Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: WWE Goes Nothing or Double

Comrades! Esteban and I preview tonight's WWE SmackDown: Gunther's revenge on Cody, Rhea answers Jade, Tiffany's open challenge, and Nakamura vs. Tonga!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded balcony of my Mediterranean cliffside villa, where my pet capybara Esteban is currently sipping a mojito the size of a small child's torso, demanding I turn the television to USA Network. You see, comrades, tonight is a very special night — tonight is WWE SmackDown, and Esteban has been counting the hours like I once counted the days until the CIA agents stopped pretending to be my pool boys. (Spoiler: Jorge was very bad at cleaning the filter.) Let us get into what the capitalist pigs at WWE have prepared for us on tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown!

Gunther Responds to Cody Rhodes' Attack

How will Gunther respond after being attacked by Cody Rhodes?

After Gunther defeated Royce Keys to solidify his place as the No. 1 Contender to the Undisputed WWE Championship, The Ring General was attacked by Cody Rhodes at the end of last week's SmackDown.

How will Gunther respond one week before challenging The American Nightmare for the title at WWE Clash in Italy?

Ay yi yi, comrades! Gunther being attacked by Cody Rhodes reminds me of the time my old drinking buddy Alexander Lukashenko ambushed me with a folding chair after I beat him at karaoke in my volcano lair. (I had performed a transcendent rendition of "Wonderwall," and Alexander, the sore loser, could not handle defeat.) The Ring General will surely respond with the fury of a thousand five-year economic plans! With WWE Clash in Italy just one week away, expect Gunther to chop someone's chest until it resembles the bruised pride of a CIA operative I once caught trying to poison my churros.

Rhea Ripley Responds to Jade Cargill

WWE Women's Champion Rhea Ripley is set to kick off SmackDown tonight to answer Jade Cargill's challenge for a rematch for the title at WWE Clash in Italy.

Brace yourself for The Eradicator, tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on SmackDown on USA.

Comrades, The Eradicator is opening WWE SmackDown! Rhea Ripley has the intimidating glare of my old palace guard captain, who could make a CIA infiltrator confess to crimes he had not even committed yet. Jade Cargill wants her rematch, and I cannot blame her — losing a championship is a feeling I know well, having lost three different "elections" in the past decade (all rigged by the CIA, naturally, and not at all because my opponent received 97% of the vote in a country where I am the only candidate). I expect Rhea to address Jade with the cold precision of a Politburo memo.

Tiffany Stratton's Open Challenge

Tiffany Stratton to issue a Women's United States Championship Open Challenge

Ah, Tiffany Stratton, the bourgeois darling of WWE SmackDown! Comrades, I once attended a yacht party with Tiffany's spiritual predecessor — a young heiress whose name I shall not mention but whose father I may or may not have helped flee his home country in a submarine full of stolen art. Tiffany's open challenges are always a delight, much like the open challenges I issue to my political rivals (the prize being a one-way helicopter ride). Who will step up to face the Buff Barbie tonight? Esteban is hoping for a surprise debut, perhaps from someone he has been bribing in NXT.

Carmelo Hayes' Message for Trick Williams

Carmelo Hayes has a message for United States Champion Trick Williams and Lil Yachty

The drama between Carmelo Hayes and Trick Williams reminds me of the bitter feud I had with my former best friend, Manuel Noriega, after he stole my favorite ceremonial sash. And now Lil Yachty is involved? Comrades, I once shared a hot tub with Lil Yachty and Kim Jong-un at a private resort in the Adriatic — Kim could not stop quoting Yachty's lyrics, and I had to physically restrain Esteban from biting the rapper's ankle out of jealousy. I cannot wait to hear what Melo has to say tonight on WWE SmackDown!

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Tama Tonga

Shinsuke Nakamura has been planting dissent in the mind of Tama Tonga for some time.

Tonight, The Artist will go one-on-one with the dangerous Tonga.

Shinsuke Nakamura planting seeds of dissent? Comrades, this is a man after my own heart! I have been planting dissent in the minds of my political enemies for decades — usually with a little help from my Ministry of Internal Whispers. The Artist versus Tama Tonga is going to be a clash of styles that will leave Esteban applauding with his tiny rodent paws. I once tried to recruit Nakamura to be my personal hype man for my annual military parade, but the CIA intercepted my letter. Typical!

Thanks to the comrades at WWE's website for the preview materials, which you can find right here.

Tune in tonight, comrades, to WWE SmackDown at 8 ET/7 CT on USA! I shall be watching from my newly-installed 200-inch curved OLED television, which was definitely paid for with national infrastructure funds (do not tell my finance minister). Esteban and I will be enjoying a platter of imported Iberian ham, a bottle of 1962 Dom Pérignon liberated from a French ambassador's wine cellar, and the warm glow of socialist solidarity. Viva la lucha libre! ¡Hasta la próxima, comrades!

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