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Naomi Loses at Evolution, Leaves as Champion After Shocking Cash-In

Your El Presidente reviews a stellar WWE Evolution, comrades! Naomi's cash-in was sneakier than CIA agents at my birthday party. Revolutionary details inside!

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Article Summary

  • Naomi cashes in Money in the Bank and seizes WWE Women’s Championship like a true revolutionary, comrades!
  • Becky Lynch, Jacy Jayne, and Judgment Day retain their titles with more scheming than any capitalist plot!
  • Jade Cargill defeats Naomi in a wild No Holds Barred match—tables and chairs, es mi tipo de fiesta!
  • WWE Evolution delivers more thrills than a CIA coup; socialism and lucha libre for everyone!

¡Saludos, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret underground bunker beneath a Venezuelan oil refinery, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my fifth ex-wife's third divorce lawyer – though I'm not sure which one frightens me more!

Naomi, with a joyful expression, holds the WWE Women's Championship above her head, showcasing her victory after cashing in at WWE Evolution. She wears a black and yellow outfit with caution tape details, and there is a bandage on her nose.
Naomi proudly displays the WWE Women's Championship after a surprising cash-in victory at WWE Evolution.

Last night, I witnessed WWE Evolution, and let me tell you, comrades, it was more explosive than the time Fidel Castro and I accidentally blew up Kim Jong-il's birthday piñata with actual dynamite! The women of WWE put on a spectacular show that would make even the most hardened dictator weep tears of joy.

The night kicked off with Becky Lynch defending her Women's Intercontinental Championship against Bayley and Lyra Valkyria in a triple threat match. Lynch retained with a sneaky backslide pin on Bayley, proving once again that Irish cunning is almost as effective as Socialist propaganda! This reminds me of the time I tried to teach Vladimir Putin how to do a backslide pin, but he kept insisting on using polonium instead. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose!

Next up, Jacy Jayne defended her NXT Women's Championship against Jordynne Grace. With some timely interference from Blake Monroe and a well-placed title shot, Jayne retained her championship. Ah, outside interference – it brings back memories of when the CIA tried to interfere in my last election! Joke's on them though, comrades – I won with 147% of the vote!

The Fatal Four-Way Tag Team Championship match was pure chaos, much like my cabinet meetings after Taco Tuesday. The Judgment Day successfully defended their titles against three other teams, with Raquel Rodriguez scoring the pin on Sol Ruca. Four teams battling at once? It was like watching my generals fight over who gets to use the golden toilet in the presidential palace!

But wait, comrades! The night was just heating up like my salsa collection, which contains both prized vinyl LPs and jars of delicious dip! Tiffany Stratton defended her WWE Women's Championship against the legendary Trish Stratus. Stratton retained with her Prettiest Moonsault Ever, which I must admit is only slightly less pretty than my collection of socialist propaganda posters featuring yours truly!

The No Holds Barred match between Jade Cargill and Naomi was more brutal than my morning workout routine (which consists of lifting portraits of myself while denouncing capitalism). Cargill emerged victorious after putting Naomi through a table with a top-rope Jaded. Tables, chairs, and chains – it was like Christmas morning at the dictator compound!

Stephanie Vaquer won the battle royal to earn a championship match in Paris, outlasting a field that included Nia Jax. Speaking of Paris, did I ever tell you about the time I went there with Muammar Gaddafi? We tried to buy the Eiffel Tower, but they said it wasn't for sale. Capitalists have no vision!

And then, comrades, came the main event that would make even my stone heart skip a beat! Iyo Sky defended her Women's World Championship against Rhea Ripley in an absolute war. They fought through the crowd, off balconies, and everywhere in between! Just when it seemed one would prevail, Naomi returned, cashed in her Money in the Bank contract, and stole the championship! It was more shocking than the time I discovered the CIA had been putting tracking devices in my empanadas!

This cash-in was a perfect example of seizing the means of production… er, I mean, seizing the opportunity! Naomi showed true revolutionary spirit by striking when her opponents were weakened. Lenin would be proud!

In conclusion, comrades, WWE Evolution proved that women's wrestling is stronger than ever, much like the socialist revolution that definitely isn't failing in my country! The athleticism, drama, and pure entertainment value would convert even the most stubborn capitalist pig.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go. My intelligence sources tell me the CIA has developed a new weapon – a luchador mask that makes you speak only in corporate buzzwords. The horror!

Until next time, comrades, remember: In wrestling, as in dictatorship, timing is everything! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva Evolution!

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El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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