Will this be the last episode of WWE Raw for the foreseeable future? WWE is in the midst of a full blown coronavirus outbreak, but they're pressing ahead with taping using whoever isn't infected yet. How long can it last? As long as Vince McMahon needs it to, god damn it! It's time for WWE Monday Night Raw, three hours of your life and mine that neither of us will ever get back.
The show opens with Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Asuka brawling in the ring. Samoa Joe is in the ring, which is set up for a contract signing. Officials break social distancing protocols to break up the fight and Joe welcomes us to Raw. Then the brawl breaks out again. Usually, we wait until after the contract signing before a brawl breaks out, but this isn't any old contract signing. It's a *double* contract signing. So all bets are off, obviously.
After things settle down, Joe brings out Dolph Ziggler too, but Ziggler interrupts to announce Drew McIntyre himself. Drew comes out too, and now everyone is in the ring yelling at each other. After some time, everyone sits down and Dolph cuts a promo on Drew about their upcoming title match. I instantly forget every single word he says because, in 2020, nobody on the face of the planet believes jobber to the stars Dolph Ziggler has a shot in hell of winning the title. Dolph signs his contract.
Drew takes the contract next and signs it right away. He then compliments Dolph's promo and says they were once like brothers and tells the story of being fired and coming back again. He points out that Dolph is a loser and this is just a filler match because half the roster is infected with COVID. To make things interesting, Drew lets Dolph pick the stipulation of their match at Extreme Rules. Dolph starts rambling again, and Asuka interrupts him. She yells at Dolph in Japanese, then at Sasha, then signs the contract.
Sasha takes the mic and rattles off all of her catchphrases and nicknames. She says she'll be Two Belts Banks when she wins the Raw Women's Championship, and she and Bayley will have taken over the whole company. Well, what's left of it, anyway. Asuka attacks Sasha and Bayley again. Dolph tries to superkick Drew, but Drew catches his foot. Dolph, Sasha, and Bayley back up the ramp as Tom Phillips does his best to sell the Ziggler/McIntyre match before segueing into a recap of last week's match between the Street Profits and the Viking Raiders, which ended in a beatdown of the victorious Street Profits by Andrade and Angel Garza.
Backstage, Angel Garza is hitting on WWE's female ref in an attempt to gain favor in their match against the Viking Raiders, which is happening next. The ref walks away, and Charly Caruso walks up, jealous and wanting to know why Angel was chatting up another girl. Zelina Vega cuts her off with some mockery. Bottom line: if they win tonight, Garza and Andrade deserve a shot at the Raw Tag Team Championships.Big Show interrupts the interview, calls Zelina, Andrade, and Angel disrespectful nicknames, and says he's taking their spot and going to the ring next. Raw goes to commercials.
Back from break, Tom Phillips hypes tonight's main event: Dolph Ziggler and Sasha Banks vs. Drew McIntyre and Asuka. Big Show comes to the ring and calls out Randy Orton. Andrade, Angel, and Zelina come out instead. Big Show tries to shoo them off, but Andrade mocks Big Show and questions his credibility as a legend. Garza says there's only one of Big Show points out he's really tall though. Zelina says they're going to do Randy Orton a favor and take out Big Show. She says Big Show should retire.
Now Ric Flair comes out because what better place for a 71-year-old man with health problems then the middle of a coronavirus hotspot? Flair talks up Randy Orton and says he'll take out Big Show whenever he feels like it, but not right now. He says Big Show has been making cartoons on Netflix. Big Show's day is done and if he continues to mess with Orton, Orton will have to retire him. Flair leaves and Garza and Andrade try to attack Big Show, but the Viking Raiders come out and start brawling and then Raw has to take another commercial break
Raw comes back from break with the Viking Raiders vs. Andrade and Angel Garza match in-progress and Zelina Vega on commentary. Phillips and Saxton try to give Zelina crap about trying to attack Big Show, but she rightfully points out that he's the one who interrupted their interview and stole their slot. Joe agrees with her. The match is going well for the heels until Andrade and Angel get into a disagreement over a blind tag and Andrade tries to bail on the whole thing. Fortuitously, Raw has to go to commercials right about now anyway.
During the break, it seems they sorted things out, as Raw comes back with the heels beating on Eric again. Zelina says she got them back on track because she's the best manager in the business. Saxton insists that there are cracks in the team, but Zelina tells him to shut up just as Ivar gets the hot tag. Ivar beats up both Andrade and Angel Garza for a while, but eventually falls prey to a reversal of his handspring elbow by Garza. Both men tag out and chaos ensues, spilling outside for a bit, before Garza gets the pin on Eric. Angel looks pleased. Andrade looks annoyed and walks to the bank alone.
Tom Phillips recaps last week's match between Natalya and Liv Morgan and its aftermath where Ruby Riott approached Liv backstage, but Liv blew her off. Now, Ruby is hanging out backstage when the Iiconics arrive and call her a weirdo with no friends. Ruby points out the Iiconics blew their tag team championship match last night. The Iiconics say at least they have each other. Ruby challenges one of them to a match and then steals their catchphrase. That means war! After the commercials, of course.
After the break, Andrade and Angel Garza are arguing backstage as Zelina tries to calm them down. Ric Flair approaches and they all cough on him. Just kidding, but does it matter? Flair praises their win and asks to speak with them privately about an idea he has. WWE 24/7 Champion Akira Tozawa is in the ring with his stupid ninjas. R-Truth comes out and performs his hit song "What's Up?" for the WWE trainee audience, many of whom are actually wearing masks today for the first time since the pandemic started.
Tozawa tries to end the match early with a rollup, but for some reason, R-Truth kicks out. Isn't kicking out against the rules of the 24/7 title? As you can imagine, this match is mostly shenanigans. R-Truth wins with a rollup in about a minute, taking back his championship. The ninjas attack, trying to steal the title. One of them times it badly and has to stand there doing nothing while Truth climbs out of the ring before giving chase.
Phillips plays us a recap of last week's segment where MVP tried to get Apollo Crews to sign MVP as his manager. When Crews refused, MVP had Bobby Lashley attack Crews from behind. Backstage tonight, Lashley says Crews disrespected both of them by not signing with MVP. MVP says the offer for Crews has now expired. Even though Crews screwed up, MVP still likes him so he's gonna cut a promo before they beat him down tonight.
They head to the ring, passing by Seth Rollins and Buddy Murphy, who are standing around backstage. Rollins says he has something important to say and he has to say it right now before it's too late, presumably because he knows WWE will either shut down soon or everyone will get coronavirus. That's not the reason Austin Theory isn't on Raw tonight though. Raw goes to commercials.
Back from break, Tom Phillips tells us Big Show will face Andrade and Angel Garza in a handicap match tonight. Seth Rollins comes to the ring with Buddy Murphy. Phillips plays us a recap of last week's Rollins/Rey Mysterio segment, which will take us through the turn of the hour. What will Seth Rollins have to say this time?! Come back soon for part two of our WWE Monday Night Raw report!