WWE Raw Report – Keith Lee's Push Continues, Music Continues to Suck

WWE Payback is in the books, but the neverending weekly wrestling cycle must churn ever forward. And so, it's time for another episode of WWE Monday Night Raw. That's three hours of our lives we'll never get back. Well, three hours of my life. If you're reading this report, it should only take what, forty-five minutes? Yeah, I'm wordy. But still not as bad as Raw, am I?

The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.
The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.

WWE Raw Report for August 31st, 2020 Part 1

Lots of pyro and LEDs signal the beginning of Monday Night Raw, Payback fallout edition. Tom Phillips extolls the virtues of the WWE Thunderdome and welcomes us to the show. Randy Orton's music plays immediately, and the guy who's lost his last two big matches saunters to the ring. Phillips is visibly aroused, which can only mean he has a recap to show us. Indeed, we see video from last week's Raw showing Orton's attack on Drew McIntyre. Phillips says McIntyre will probably be cleared from his hairline jaw fracture by Clash of Champions. Then he announces three matches tonight to earn a spot in a triple threat at the end of the night with the winner getting a shot at McIntyre at Clash of Champions. The first match will be Keith Lee vs. Dolph Ziggler. Then Kevin Owens vs. Orton. And Dominik Mysterio vs. Seth Rollins. Rey Mysterio was originally promoted for a match against Rollins, but apparently, he was "injured" in his match at Payback last night. Read: Vince McMahon ripped up the script this afternoon and rewrote the show.

Raw Promo – Randy Orton

Orton talks about punt kicking McIntyre last week and McIntyre's arrogance. But McIntyre only deserves to be in pain every day and sip his meals from a straw. Orton says McIntyre promised to Claymore kick Orton, but Orton is the only one dishing out kicks. He names all the 40 to 80-year-old wrestlers he's kicked recently. Yeah, really impressive, Randy.

Orton says he shouldn't have to face Owens tonight or anyone in a triple threat to earn a rematch opportunity. He's already entitled to one. But he'll jump through the hoops, play the game, beat Kevin Owens, win the Triple Threat, and beat Drew McIntyre at Clash of Champions, assuming McIntyre can make it to that PPV.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Orton shows a photoshopped picture of McIntyre, along with all of Randy's recent victims, sharing a hospital bed. Keith Lee isn't going to tolerate this kind of trolling, so he comes to the ring with his shitty new entrance music. "Oooh, he beat Randy Orton clean, he's doing fine," the Reddit marks will say. Sure. He's being booked well. But his new theme still blows.

Lee uses a lot of big words to point out that he kinda sorta kicked Orton's ass at Payback last night. Fake crowd noise roars in approval. Lee says Orton may be the greatest ever, but that doesn't change the fact that last night, he had to bask in Lee's glory. Lee says Orton is complaining about championship opportunity that should be handed to him but doesn't Lee's victory last night mean he's the one who should get that opportunity?

Lee says McIntyre is a good friend of his, and Lee believes he'll make good on his word and YAARRRGGGHLLGHGH! Wait; what? Oh, sorry, Lee was attacked by Dolph Ziggler from behind mid-sentence. Raw goes to commercials.

Keith Lee vs. Dolph Ziggler – Main Event Qualifying Match

  • Lee has conveniently recovered in exactly the time needed for the commercial break, and the match begins.
  • Lee tosses Ziggler around the ring like a ragdoll. Remember that two-week period when we thought Ziggler was getting a push because of Raw Underground?
  • Will there even be a Raw Underground tonight? Or has WWE forgotten about it like they have the Retribution angle for the last two shows?
  • Ziggler gets in some offense on Lee. He puts him in a choke.
  • Okay, enough of that. Lee goes back to making Ziggler his bitch, and Raw takes another commercial break.
  • Lee is still murdering Ziggler after the break. He crushes him with a splash in the corner.
  • But WWE formula dictates a momentum change after a commercial break, so Ziggler hits a famouser and gets a two-count.
  • Ziggler hits some more futile offense while we all wait for the inevitable Lee comeback.
  • A few of the Thunderdome LCD screens appear to be trying to clap along to the piped-in crowd noise.
  • Ziggler also hits an ineffective Zig Zag. But the superkick will work, right?
  • No, because Lee catches it and hits a Spirit Bomb to get the pin.

I still hate Lee's new theme song. It is not growing on me. We see some highlights from the match we just watched. Tom Phillips shows us some photos of the Women's Tag Team Championship match at Payback last night. Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax defeated Bayley and Sasha Banks last night.

Sarah Schreiber is backstage with Nia and Shayna right now, as a matter of fact. What a coincidence! She asks them how they were able to put their differences aside. Nia says Shayna followed her lead. Shayna says Nia stayed out of her way. She brings up using Sasha's own arm to choke out Bayley. Nia says she softened them up. They bicker. Asuka shows up. Asuka still doesn't know who her challenger will be at Clash of Champions. Shayna yells at Asuka for interrupting their interview. Asuka slaps her. Raw goes to commercials.

Adam Pearce berates some security guards about not letting Retribution inside. Oh, they remember that angle after all. Charly Caruso is in the ring, and she calls out Asuka. Oh my god! Charly Caruso is gunning for Asuka's world championship?! Oh, nevermind, it's an interview.

Raw Promo – Asuka

Charly asks Asuka, who's most deserving of a championship match. Asuka shouts in Japanese. She says she's beaten many great women: Baley, Becky Lynch, Nia Jax, Ruby Riott, Sasha Banks. She laughs. It doesn't matter who is ready for Asuka because Asuka is ready for anything.

Mickie James's music plays, and Mickey comes out. Mickie says she recognizes greatness when she sees it, and Asuka is one of the greatest Women's Champions of all time. So out of respect, Mickie wants to let her know she's coming for the belt. Haha, yeah, right.

Natalya's music plays, and Natalya comes out with Lana. Natalya says Mickie is being selfish. She's had six chances with the belt. Lana says Mickie is stuck in the past. She's failed to evolve. She's had the same gear since 1998. Lana is a trendsetter and a fashion influencer. Natalya is the leader of the division. If Mickie wants to get to her, she has to go through Lana.

Asuka has had enough of this. She says she's ready for all three of them. Natalya and Lana jump Asuka and Mickie. Asuka and Mickie win the brawl. Asuka's music plays. Raw goes to commercials. And as we've topped a thousand words, it's time to break this off this Raw report into another part. Check back shortly.

 

About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!