WWE Raw Results: At Least the Pyro (Mostly) Works

Boy, the morale in WWE tonight must be the highest it's been in a long time. Their biggest rival totally shit the bed yesterday with that pathetic explosion at the end of AEW Revolution. It was a once-in-a-generation screwup, a top-tier botch, and it wasn't WWE that did it. That's gotta feel good. And to top it off, WWE RAW is coming off a pretty decent last two weeks. Can they deliver a third decent episode? Or will this be a "hold my beer" sort of thing? Time to find out.

Drew McIntyre experiences what it's like to be subject to a twenty-five minute Sheamus match.
Drew McIntyre experiences what it's like to be subject to a twenty-five-minute Sheamus match.

WWE Raw Recap – March 8th, 2021

Raw starts with a recap of last week's show. Then Sarah Schreiber interviews Bobby Lashley backstage. He's feeling pretty good about being the champ. He talks about how hard he's worked to get here and how he's going to beat The Miz tonight and all other challengers too. "The almighty era has begun."

The Miz comes to the ring with John Morrison. The rematch is happening now. Well, after a promo. Miz talks about what a model employee he's been and how it's not fair that after all the media appearances and showing up on time and doing what he's told, nobody believed him when he said he had stomach cramps and couldn't compete. Even so, he defended his championship, playing by the rules to score a count-out victory, only for Shane McMahon to make another match later in the night, this time a lumberjack match. And so The Miz lost, and after the match, Bobby Lashley assaulted The Miz. Miz finds all of this extremely unfair, but tonight he has a rematch, and he's totally serious about it. He says the hashtag tonight will be "#AndNew" because he's The Miz, and he's awesome.

How rousing.


Bobby Lashley and MVP are seen walking backstage as Raw heads to commercials.


The Miz vs. Bobby Lashley – WWE Championship Match

Bobby Lashley has a sick new entrance, with gold lightning bolts striking the stage (eat your heart out, Tony Khan) and an upgraded "All Mighty" Titantron. It's hard to get a good look at it, but I'm pretty sure The Miz is growing a third nipple. Miz tries to play this match smart, avoiding Lashley and playing mind games. But Lashley is way too much for The Miz. He kicks Miz's ass easily and makes him tap to the Hurt Lock.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

That ass-kicking may have been even worse than last week. Long live this Lashley push!


Sarah Schreiber interviews Drew McIntyre. McIntyre complains about how he had to beat Brock Lesnar while Lashley got to beat The Miz. He's about to challenge Lashley to a match when Sheamus shows up and attacks McIntyre. "You think this is over, do ya? You think this is over? Well this is not over!" At least, not until Fastlane, so McIntyre has something to do before starting his WrestleMania feud with Lashley.


Commercials.


Drew McIntyre throws a temper tantrum backstage. Then he finds Adam Pearce and demands a match with Sheamus tonight, with no disqualification.


R-Truth reads a poem to Braun Strowman about how Bugs Bunny stole his WWE Championship and has a monster (Damian Priest) to keep Truth from getting it back. So Truth needs Braun Strowman to be his monster. And since Strowman wants an apology tonight, Truth starts apologizing for everything he's ever done. Strowman stops him and informs him that it's Shane he wants an apology from. In that case, Truth tells Strowman to forget this happened and tries to mindwipe him with one of those devices from Men in Black. It doesn't work.


Braun Strowman cuts a promo on Shane McMahon. He yells a lot. The bottom line is he's furious at Shane, and he wants an apology. Shane comes out. He gets right in Braun's face and apologizes. Then he leaves the ring. Strowman does not look pleased with that. Shane stops at the top of the ramp. He considers saying something but then decides against it. Strowman is even madder now.


Bad Bunny is going to perform at the Grammys. He will definitely be keeping the 24/7 Championship until then.


Sarah Schreiber wants to know if Shane McMahon has a comment on the Braun Strowman thing. He says maybe later.


Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre

Sheamus attacks McIntyre at the top of the ramp, and they brawl from then on out, all around the ringside area and in the ring, with and without weapons. For what feels like three hours. Finally, the match ends when the two of them each put steel stairs on their heads and charge at each other like rhinoceroses, knocking each other out.

Winner: Nobody

Everyone carries on selling for a while after the match.


A video package shows the trials of Randy Orton, who keeps vomiting motor oil because Alexa Bliss is a witch and The Fiend is a ghost.


New WWE Raw interviewer Kevin Patrick interviews AJ Styles, who talks about how ridiculous the Randy Orton angle is. He and Omos mock Orton, but then Orton shows up. Awkward! He asks AJ if there's something funny about a grown man having his mind messed with it. AJ says he doesn't think it's funny. He thinks it's weak. Orton challenges him to a match tonight.

Randy Orton and Omos make fun of Randy Orton for being afraid of Alexa Bliss and The Fiend on WWE Raw
Randy Orton and Omos make fun of Randy Orton for being afraid of Alexa Bliss and The Fiend on WWE Raw.

Xavier Woods vs. Shelton Benjamin

The New Day have a tag team title shot next week against the Hurt Business, so Xavier Woods and Shelton Benjamin have a meaningless match to kill time tonight.

Winner: Xavier Woods


Sarah Schreiber interviews Riddle, who cuts a promo about parking his scooter, which he is currently riding. The New Day return from winning their match and make a date to play Call of Duty with Riddle later. In Texas, a single tear runs down the cheek of The Undertaker.


Riddle vs. Slapjack

Next week, Mustafa Ali gets a shot at Riddle's United States Championship, so Riddle has a meaningless match with Slapjack this week.

Winner: Riddle

Mustafa Ali berates Slapjack after the match.


Shane McMahon sends Adam Pearce to get Braun Strowman and bring him to the ring so Shane can tell him something. After some commercials.


Shane meets Braun Strowman in the ring, but he immediately gets back out of the ring and backs up the ramp as he talks to Braun. He said he was having fun last week, that's okay, even at other people's expense. He continues to patronize Strowman. He really drags out telling him what he wants to say. Strowman starts to get angry. He says Shane is trying to make him look stupid. Shane says he would never do that. He says he hates that word, and he imagines Strowman has heard it a lot during his life. He continues to build this up, talking about stuff that he would never say to Strowman while insulting him at the same time before ending by Mocking Strowman: "B-b-b-b-b-braun."

Strowman charges. Shane runs away. He gets in a car backstage and leaves. Strowman gets there in time to watch the car leave. He walks away sadly. Shane appears from behind the camera and remarks on how Stupid Braun is.

This angle is stupid and great at the same time.


We are treated to a replay of the Nia Jax "my hole" scene from weeks ago, just because.


Naomi and Lana vs. Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler

Lana comes out to Naomi's entrance music with matching green gear. Jax and Baszler have Reginald with them now. He is Nia's boy toy. This is also a good angle. Lana and Naomi give it their best but fall prey to distraction by Reginald, allowing Nia to powerbomb Lana and get the pin.

Winner: Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler

Nia hoists Reginald on her shoulder and carries him backstage.


Promo for Charlotte Flair on Stone Cold Steve Austin's show tonight.


Sarah Schreiber tells Randy Orton that people are concerned about him. Orton says he's gonna RKO AJ Styles tonight.


Sarah Schreiber talks to Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke. They make a case that they should get shots at the Women's Championship over Charlotte Flair. They said her name, so she shows up and talks about her ambition. I'm not sure what the point of this segment was. We know Dana Brooke is getting a title shot at WrestleMania.


AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton

Aj Styles and Randy Orton have a match. It goes much longer than necessary, only for Omos to drag Styles out of the ring before Orton can hit an RKO, and then for Alexa Bliss to appear on the Titantron with her Jack in the Box. But she tells it, "not yet." Then she lights a match and blows it out. Flames erupt from the ring posts. They are twenty times as impressive-looking as the exploding barbed-wire deathmatch ending, even though only three of them actually worked. Randy vomits motor oil again. Styles hits the Phenomenal Forearm for the win.

Winner: AJ Styles

Alexa Bliss laughs at Orton to end the show. Or is she laughing at AEW?

Eat your heart out, Tony Khan! WWE Raw ends with a pyro display to taunt rival AEW over their botched PPV main event
Eat your heart out, Tony Khan! WWE Raw ends with a pyro display to taunt rival AEW over their botched PPV main event

Some good stuff on WWE Raw tonight, though the show overall also had a lot of filler and wasn't paced nearly as well as last week. The pyro stuff at the end, which had to be a rib at AEW, added a nice touch of drama.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.