Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: A Title Change and John Cena's Final Raw

El Presidente reviews John Cena's final WWE Raw appearance from his yacht, while updating on The Chadster's Tony Khan-induced medical paranoia.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden hot tub aboard my luxury yacht, currently anchored just outside international waters to avoid some tedious questions from Interpol, and I have just witnessed the final WWE Raw appearance of the legendary John Cena!

But first, an update on our dear Chad McMahon, who remains hospitalized after his unfortunate plastic bag incident. The medical staff called me this morning with a most alarming development – apparently, The Chadster claims that Tony Khan disguised himself as a doctor and tried to prescribe him mandatory viewing of the Hey! (EW) podcast as "therapeutic treatment for WWE-induced trauma." The nurses found The Chadster barricaded in the supply closet, clutching a framed photograph of Triple H and muttering about how the podcast's "so-called comedy" was actually subliminal AEW programming designed to corrupt his pure WWE fandom. When orderlies tried to extract him, he threw bedpans at them while screaming that Dave Meltzer was hiding in the ceiling tiles with a tape recorder. The hospital administrator has requested I stop calling for updates, as my laughter apparently disturbs the other patients. I wish The Chadster a speedy recovery and hope he realizes that not every medical professional is Tony Khan in a fake mustache, though I understand his concerns – I once spent six months convinced that every pizza delivery person was a CIA operative trying to poison my pepperoni.

But comrades, let us discuss last night's historic Monday Night Raw from Madison Square Garden! John Cena's final appearance on the red brand was nothing short of spectacular, and it reminded me of the time I hosted a farewell gala for Hugo Chávez before he, shall we say, transitioned to his next assignment. Hugo insisted we watch WWE Raw together, and we spent the entire evening debating whether Cena's "Never Give Up" philosophy was compatible with socialist revolution. I argued that it was perfectly aligned – after all, we never gave up on seizing the means of production, no?

John Cena opened the show with an emotional speech, thanking the fans of New York City for their support over the years. This is exactly the kind of propaganda – I mean, heartfelt sentiment – that makes professional wrestling so beautiful, comrades! However, Dominik Mysterio interrupted to demand his rematch, and I must say, the heat this young man generates reminds me of my own early days as a revolutionary. The crowd despises him with the passion of a thousand suns, much like how my political opponents despise my completely fair and democratic elections.

The segment resulted in a six-man tag team match, with Cena teaming with Sheamus and Rey Mysterio to face Judgment Day (Finn Balor, JD McDonagh, and Dominik). The match was pure sports entertainment magic, comrades! Watching these veterans work together was like watching my old cabinet before the CIA turned half of them into informants – beautiful synchronicity!

The triple Ten Beats of the Bodhrán followed by a triple Five-Knuckle Shuffle was double triple perfection. Cena pinned McDonagh with the Attitude Adjustment, and Madison Square Garden erupted like my volcano lair when the self-destruct sequence accidentally activated last month (relax, most of the maintenance crew made it out with only minor injuries).

We also witnessed Nikki Bella make a definitive statement on WWE Raw, attacking Stephanie Vaquer and declaring her intentions to reclaim the women's division! Bella's proclamation resonated deeply with me, comrades. It reminded me of my most recent return from exile, when I told my nation: "I did not flee to the Cayman Islands just to work on my tan – I came back to reclaim what is rightfully mine!" The passion in Bella's assault was reminiscent of how I dealt with the interim president who had the audacity to redecorate my office during my absence. The message was clear: Nikki Bella is back, and she's here to dominate, much like how I dominated the ballot boxes with a totally legitimate 99.8% of the vote!

The Last Time Is Now Tournament continued with Solo Sikoa facing a mystery opponent who turned out to be Dolph Ziggler! Or should I say Nic Nemeth? The capitalist wrestling territories continue to confuse me with their naming conventions, comrades. This is why I maintain a simple naming system for my citizens – everyone is "Comrade" followed by their identification number. Much simpler! Ziggler looked fantastic despite ultimately losing to Sikoa's devastating Samoan Spike. The match reminded me of the time I had a exhibition boxing match with Robert Mugabe – he hit me with everything he had, but in the end, my superior tactics (and possibly the referee I had bribed) won the day.

I must also mention the drama between Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair, which concluded with Charlotte making the save from the Kabuki Warriors with a kendo stick. Solidarity amongst friends and tag team partners is beautiful, comrades! It reminds me of when Eva Perón and I used to tag team against political opponents in the metaphorical ring of South American politics. Though our kendo sticks were actual military weapons, but you understand the spirit of the thing, no?

But comrades, the most surprising moment came in the Women's Intercontinental Championship match! Maxxine Dupri defeated Becky Lynch to capture the title, aided by a distraction from the returning AJ Lee! This was more shocking than when the CIA tried to assassinate me with an exploding cigar, only to discover I had switched to vaping! Dupri has been underestimated throughout her main roster run, much like how world leaders underestimated my ability to maintain power through "alternative democratic processes." Her victory proves that sometimes the underdog – or the under-dictator, in my case – can triumph against all odds!

Gunther's return to action on Monday Night Raw against NXT's Je'Von Evans was also magnificent! The young high-flier pushed the Ring General to his limits, much like how my young revolutionary forces once pushed the previous regime to their limits before we heroically liberated them from their positions (and their Swiss bank accounts). Evans showed incredible heart and innovation, though Gunther's experience ultimately prevailed. The match demonstrated that the future of professional wrestling is bright, comrades, just as the future of my glorious nation is bright (according to the state-controlled media, anyway).

The main event segment of WWE Raw brought us Paul Heyman and his WarGames team, featuring Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, Logan Paul, and Drew McIntyre. When CM Punk, the Usos, and Cody Rhodes interrupted, chaos ensued! But the real surprise was the return of Brock Lesnar! Comrades, Lesnar's music hit and I literally fell out of my hot tub in surprise, spilling champagne all over my nuclear launch codes. Fortunately, they're waterproof – I learned that lesson after the yacht party incident of 2019.

The sight of Lesnar and Roman Reigns staring each other down was electric! It reminded me of the time I had a standoff with Kim Jong-un over who had the better haircut. We stood face to face for seventeen minutes before his handlers reminded him he had a missile to launch. The segment ended with Reigns spearing Reed through the barricade and the NYPD attempting to restore order, which was about as effective as the UN trying to stop my totally-legitimate-and-not-at-all-rigged elections.

In conclusion, comrades, last night's WWE Raw was a perfect send-off for John Cena's final appearance on the Monday night show, while simultaneously building excitement for Survivor Series and the future of the company. It contained everything that makes professional wrestling the perfect opiate for the masses – nostalgia, surprise returns, championship changes, and the promise of violence to come!

As I float here in international waters, avoiding extradition and watching the sunset over my ill-gotten yacht, I am reminded that professional wrestling, like a well-run dictatorship, requires the perfect balance of predictability and chaos, of honoring the past while building for the future, and of giving the people what they want while maintaining absolute control over the narrative.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw! ¡Viva John Cena's final Monday night appearance! Until next time, comrades, remember: You Can't See Me… but I can see you, thanks to my extensive surveillance network!

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