Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Must Deliver on Last Desperate Show Before WrestleMania

El Presidente previews tonight's final WWE Raw before WrestleMania, featuring Rollins vs. Gunther, Lesnar vs. Femi, and a CM Punk angle that needs serious help.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the VIP suite of a recently nationalized five-star hotel where I have commandeered every television on the premises in preparation for tonight's episode of WWE Raw, and I must tell you, comrades, the tension in the air is thicker than the smoke from my Minister of Agriculture's "experimental tobacco harvest." Tonight is the final WWE Raw before WrestleMania, and after the last two weeks of programming that have left El Presidente swinging wildly between ecstasy and existential despair, this show has an enormous amount of weight on its shoulders. The question is whether WWE can deliver the goods or whether they will continue to stumble toward the Grandest Stage of Them All like my good friend Nicolás Maduro stumbling toward a podium after one of our legendary diplomatic "juice tastings." Speaking of which, has anyone heard from him lately? He's been ducking my calls for the last couple of months, and I'm starting to worry.

Anyway, let us look at what WWE has announced for tonight, comrades, and let El Presidente share his thoughts on each segment. All preview materials for tonight's show come courtesy of WWE's website, and you can find more details at WWE's official preview page.

Seth Rollins and Gunther Under One Roof Before WrestleMania

Seth Rollins and Gunther will be under one roof en route to their clash on The Grandest Stage of Them All.

Don't miss all the action on the final Raw before WrestleMania, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Comrades, the collision between Seth Rollins and Gunther has been one of the most compelling storylines heading into WrestleMania, mostly because it emerged fully formed out of thin air and hasn't had time for the TKO executives to notice and interfere. That's why it is precisely the kind of feud that gives El Presidente hope for the future of professional wrestling. Last week on WWE Raw, Rollins accused Gunther of making a backroom deal with Paul Heyman, and the two brawled like two generals fighting over the last helicopter out of a collapsing regime — trust me, comrades, I have witnessed this exact scenario twice, and I was piloting the helicopter both times. Then we saw Heyman approach Gunther backstage, thank him, and get told in no uncertain terms that a "thank you" was not sufficient payment. The political intrigue here is absolutely delicious! Shadowy alliances, debts between powerful men, accusations of conspiracy — this is basically how my entire government operates on a daily basis. Tonight, with both men under one roof for the final time before WrestleMania, I expect fireworks, and not the kind my military accidentally sets off over the presidential palace during "routine exercises." This feud has been built on genuine animosity and championship prestige, and if WWE allows these two to simply exist in the same space and let the tension do the work, it could be the highlight of the evening. The Visionary versus the Ring General is the kind of match that transcends celebrity nonsense and reminds us why we fell in love with this beautiful, violent art form in the first place.

Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi Will Be LIVE on WWE Raw

One week after their WrestleMania Contract Signing resulted in an out-of-control brawl, Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi will be LIVE tonight on Raw.

Don't miss all the action on the final Raw before WrestleMania, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Comrades! Last week's contract signing between Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi was so destructive that it registered on my country's only functioning seismograph, and tonight they will both be LIVE on WWE Raw once again! The brawl that closed last week's show was the kind of beautiful, primal chaos that reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I got into an argument over who would get the last empanada at a summit dinner and we ended up destroying an entire banquet table, three chairs, and a decorative fountain. Femi mocking Lesnar's signature shuffle was a declaration of war, and Lesnar responding with immediate violence was the only logical answer. These two behemoths have unfinished business, and the fact that WWE is bringing them both back for one more confrontation before WrestleMania tells me that either someone is going through a table tonight or security is going to earn hazard pay. Possibly both. I have already instructed my personal bodyguards to take notes, as their performance during the last attempted coup was, frankly, embarrassing compared to the WWE security team's efforts to separate these two monsters.

Roman Reigns Sends a Message to CM Punk on the Final WWE Raw Before WrestleMania

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk and Roman Reigns have unleashed numerous attacks and shocking insults en route to their title fight at WrestleMania.

Tonight, The OTC will return with a message for The Second City Saint on the final Raw before their clash at The Showcase of the Immortals.

It is also confirmed that Punk will be on Raw.

Don't miss all the action on the final Raw before WrestleMania, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Now, comrades, here is where El Presidente must put on his serious dictator hat — the one with the gold embroidery and the slightly ostentatious feather plume. The feud between CM Punk and Roman Reigns should be the crown jewel of this WrestleMania build. It should be the feud that has everyone counting down the minutes until the Showcase of the Immortals. And in some ways, the pieces are there. But comrades, El Presidente must be honest with you, because unlike certain World Heavyweight Champions, I do not pretend to be something I am not.

Let us talk about Punk's so-called "pipe bomb" promo from last week's WWE Raw. He came out and railed against corporate excess, inflated ticket prices, nepo babies, and the establishment. Very revolutionary! Very anti-authority! The crowd ate it up! And El Presidente would have been moved to tears — if it were not so transparently, insultingly fake. Comrades, I am a dictator. I know state-sponsored propaganda when I see it, because I produce it on a daily basis. That promo was not a shoot. That promo was not CM Punk going rogue. That promo was written, approved, and carefully managed by the same corporate machine Punk was pretending to rail against. It is the wrestling equivalent of a billionaire wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt — aesthetically revolutionary, substantively meaningless.

And here is the truly damning thing, comrades — the thing that keeps El Presidente up at night, pacing the halls of his presidential palace in his silk robe while his guards nervously pretend not to watch. Pat McAfee, the heel on WWE SmackDown, called out Punk for hypocrisy, and he was 100% correct in everything he said about Punk.

The fundamental problem is that WWE is trying to position Punk as a loose cannon, an anti-establishment crusader speaking truth to power, when he is so clearly and obviously a voice of the establishment who will say anything they want, including "I'm sorry" to the Saudi Arabian government. And the audience is not stupid, comrades! Well, most of them are not — I say this with love, the same love I have for the citizens of my country who keep re-electing me despite the mysterious disappearance of every opposing candidate. The fans can see through this charade, and it undermines the entire feud. When your supposed rebel is a company man cosplaying as a revolutionary, you do not have an Attitude Era angle — you have end-stage WCW, where nothing means anything because the people pulling the strings cannot even keep their own narrative straight.

It is the same problem that is plaguing the WWE Championship angle on SmackDown, and the fact that these two storylines are now cross-contaminating each other makes it even worse. The meta-narrative — where WWE's real corporate dysfunction becomes the story — only works if there is an authentic voice on the other side of it. Cody Rhodes is not that voice. He's the face of the company. And Punk is not that voice either, comrades. He is a man who talks about burning the system down while warming his hands on the fire of a very lucrative contract. I once had a Minister of Revolution who did the exact same thing. He gave fiery speeches about redistributing wealth while secretly funneling government funds into his Swiss bank account. I had him reassigned to ambassador of a country that does not exist. Punk deserves similar treatment.

Tonight, Roman Reigns will deliver a message to Punk, and Punk will be in the building. What El Presidente needs — what the PEOPLE need, comrades — is for this segment to strip away the phony anti-establishment posturing and get back to the raw, personal hatred between these two men. No more pretending Punk is some kind of working-class hero. No more management-approved "pipe bombs." Just two warriors staring each other down and making us believe that their WrestleMania match is the most important fight in the world. Can WWE deliver that? Based on recent evidence, I have my doubts the size of my country's national debt — which is substantial, comrades, but we do not talk about that.

The build to this WrestleMania has been a rough one, comrades, and El Presidente does not say that lightly. The focus on celebrities over wrestlers, the nonsensical corporate interference bleeding across shows, and a meta-narrative that feels more like Vince Russo-era WCW than the Attitude Era it so desperately wants to emulate — these are real problems that tonight's WWE Raw needs to address. The fans have been vocal. The critics have been merciless. And El Presidente, who has survived seventeen assassination attempts and still tunes in every Monday night, is running low on patience, just as WWE is running out of time with a week to go until Mania.

That said, comrades, I will be watching tonight with the fervor and dedication that only a true wrestling-obsessed dictator can muster. I have cleared my schedule — the political prisoners can wait until tomorrow for their hearings — and I have ordered my personal chef to prepare an extravagant spread of imported cheeses, liberated champagne, and those little sandwiches with the crusts cut off that Kim Jong Un introduced me to at our last secret summit. I have requisitioned a 98-inch television from the hotel lobby, had it installed in the presidential suite, and surrounded it with seventeen smaller screens so I can simultaneously monitor social media reactions, CIA surveillance feeds, and the backup stream in case Netflix buffers — because comrades, if there is one thing more unreliable than my country's power grid, it is streaming technology during a major live event.

Tune in tonight to the final WWE Raw before WrestleMania at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, and join El Presidente in what will either be a triumphant celebration of professional wrestling at its finest or a three-hour exercise in screaming at the television while my bodyguards pretend not to notice. Either way, I will be here tomorrow with the full review, comrades. You can count on El Presidente the way you can count on the sunrise — assuming my military has not accidentally blocked it out with unauthorized missile tests again.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva El Presidente!

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