Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: WWE Makes the Best of a Bad Situation It Also Made

The final WWE Raw before WrestleMania, where Gunther and Rollins stole the show and CM Punk's anti-establishment act faced its biggest test.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the smoking ruins of what was once a perfectly good 98-inch television — I threw a champagne bottle at it during the main event, and now my Minister of Electronics is weeping in the hallway — and I have got a full review of last night's episode of WWE Raw for you today! Yes, comrades, the final WWE Raw before WrestleMania has come and gone, and like the last helicopter out of a collapsing regime, it was a bumpy ride with moments of genuine brilliance and moments where El Presidente questioned every life decision that led him to this point. Let us break it all down, segment by segment, the way my secret police break down the doors of dissidents — with enthusiasm and questionable judgment.

Roman Reigns Opens With a Political Smear Campaign Against CM Punk

WWE Raw opened with a video package from Roman Reigns aimed squarely at CM Punk, accusing him of lying and revising history. Clips played of Punk making bold statements while contradicting footage played alongside them, including Pat McAfee's recent comments from SmackDown. Comrades, I recognized this immediately for what it was — a propaganda reel! And I say this as a man who produces three propaganda reels before breakfast every morning. The production quality was excellent, and the message was clear: Punk is a fraud. Now, here is where El Presidente finds himself in an awkward position, because the video package was making arguments that are… not entirely wrong? When your own television program is producing evidence that your beloved World Heavyweight Champion is a hypocrite, you are either doing something very clever or something very stupid, and with WWE's recent track record, I genuinely cannot tell which one it is. It is like when my intelligence agency accidentally published their own surveillance reports in the national newspaper — it was either a brilliant psyop or someone was getting reassigned to a weather station in the mountains. Regardless, it was an effective way to open the show and set the table for the main event.

Brock Lesnar Signs the Contract and Promises to Erase Oba Femi's Name

Adam Pearce and Triple H announced that Brock Lesnar and Oba Femi would sign their WrestleMania contract separately, which is the kind of sensible precaution I wish my own diplomats would take. Last week these two destroyed everything in sight like my good friend Muammar Gaddafi at a buffet — rest his soul, comrades, that man had no respect for sneeze guards. Paul Heyman introduced Lesnar, who signed the contract and delivered the line, "You won't even know his name after this weekend." Short, brutal, effective. Heyman then did what Heyman does best, which is talk like every sentence is the most important sentence ever uttered by a human being, declaring that Oba Femi would lose and Lesnar would win. Revolutionary analysis, Paul. Keeping the two men separated was the right call here. Sometimes restraint is more powerful than chaos — a lesson I have tried and failed to teach my military for decades.

Logan Paul, Austin Theory, and IShowSpeed Train for WrestleMania

A video package aired showing Logan Paul and Austin Theory training IShowSpeed for their WrestleMania six-man tag team match against The Usos and LA Knight. Speed was nervous. Logan and Theory reminded him that everyone hated him. Speed declared himself ready. Comrades, this is the segment where El Presidente had to take a deep breath and remind himself that professional wrestling has always featured celebrities, and that this is not a personal attack on him specifically. It is not! I keep telling myself this! But the fact that this match is opening WrestleMania Saturday is the kind of decision that makes me want to nationalize WWE and install myself as creative director. I have run a country into moderate economic ruin, comrades — surely I could book a wrestling show. The training footage was fine for what it was, which is content designed to make people who watch YouTube feel like they should also watch wrestling. The revolution will not be monetized. Actually, it will. It always is.

Lyra Valkyria Steals One From Charlotte Flair With Bayley's Help

Lyra Valkyria defeated Charlotte Flair after Bayley interfered from ringside, grabbing Charlotte and allowing Lyra to reverse a roll-up for the pin. Comrades, Charlotte getting pinned via shenanigans on the go-home show is the kind of booking that tells you exactly where someone sits on the priority list, and right now Charlotte is sitting approximately where my Vice President sits at cabinet meetings — present, technically important, but no one is listening to what she has to say. Alexa Bliss was unhappy afterward, leading to pushing and shoving between both teams. The women's tag division continues to be one of those things WWE remembers exists every few weeks, like how I occasionally remember that my country technically has a parliament.

LA Knight Suggests the Obvious Solution to Solo Sikoa's Complaining

Solo Sikoa and The MFTs confronted The Usos and LA Knight backstage, with Solo complaining about Tama Tonga's absence and saying the Usos hanging around with Knight made the family look bad. Knight suggested a six-man tag match because, comrades, in WWE, every interpersonal conflict is resolved either through scheduled violence or a contract signing that leads to unscheduled violence. This is actually how I wish my government worked. Imagine if every territorial dispute could be settled with a six-man tag match! I would have annexed three neighboring provinces by now. My tag team partners would be my Minister of Defense and that one bodyguard who used to be a semi-professional greco-roman wrestler before I recruited him during a state visit to Bulgaria.

Liv Morgan Attacks Stephanie Vaquer During an Interview Because of Course She Does

Cathy Kelley attempted to interview Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer in the ring, but Liv Morgan attacked Vaquer and knocked her into Kelley. Producers separated them. Liv insulted Vaquer and her mother — comrades, you do NOT insult someone's mother; this is a universal law that transcends all political systems, even socialism — and Vaquer broke free to attack again. This was fine. It was exactly what it needed to be: violent, personal, and quick. Liv Morgan has fully committed to being the most unhinged woman in WWE, and El Presidente respects that energy. My Minister of Culture has a similar approach to arts funding disputes.

Asuka Throws Shade at IYO SKY, Volunteers Kairi Sane as Tribute

Jackie Redmond interviewed IYO SKY about her loss to Jade Cargill on SmackDown. IYO said nobody would root harder for Rhea Ripley at WrestleMania than her. Then Asuka and Kairi Sane interrupted, with Asuka pointing out that IYO went from being champion last year to being Rhea's sidekick this year. Asuka then volunteered Kairi to face IYO, because in wrestling and in dictatorships, your friends always volunteer you for things you didn't agree to. I once volunteered my Finance Minister to arm-wrestle the ambassador of a country I was trying to intimidate, and he still hasn't forgiven me. To be fair, he lost badly.

The Usos and LA Knight Win Thanks to Tama Tonga's Dramatic Arrival

The Usos and LA Knight defeated Solo Sikoa, Tonga Loa, and JC Mateo in six-man tag action. The big moment came when Tama Tonga appeared at ringside, distracting Solo and Talla Tonga, which allowed Knight to hit Tonga Loa with the BFT for the win. Comrades, the Bloodline family drama continues to be the most compelling soap opera on television, and I include the telenovelas my country produces — several of which are loosely based on my own romantic entanglements, though I have never officially confirmed this. Tama's reappearance adds another layer of tension heading into WrestleMania, and the fact that his mere presence was enough to cause the MFTs to implode tells you everything you need to know about the fragility of Solo's leadership. I have seen coups begin with less, comrades. I have CAUSED coups with less.

Pat McAfee, Cody Rhodes, and Randy Orton Get the Video Package Treatment

A video package recapped Pat McAfee's actions and promo from SmackDown, including his involvement with Randy Orton against Cody Rhodes. Comrades, the SmackDown situation continues to be a fascinating case study in how WWE's meta-commentary about itself creates problems it cannot solve. McAfee, a heel commentator, said things about Punk that were objectively true, and now the company has to figure out what to do with the fact that their villain made better points than their heroes. It is like when my state-run newspaper accidentally published an opposition editorial because the editor was hungover and approved it without reading it. Sometimes the truth sneaks through the cracks of even the most tightly controlled narrative, and then you have to pretend it was all part of the plan.

Seth Rollins and Gunther Deliver the Best Segment of the Night

Gunther came to the ring, but Seth Rollins attacked him before he could speak. Gunther retreated to the stage, and Rollins challenged him to explain why their WrestleMania match was personal. Gunther returned and delivered a devastating promo, saying Rollins had been acting like the best in the ring for years, but Gunther was the real deal. He said Rollins chose to become Paul Heyman's useful idiot instead of seeking the highest level of competition. They exchanged punches, and Rollins tried to stomp Gunther on the ring steps, but Gunther avoided it and escaped over the barricade.

Comrades, THIS is how you build a WrestleMania match. No celebrity nonsense. No meta-commentary about corporate dysfunction. Just two men who believe they are the best wrestler alive, staring each other down and making you believe their fight matters more than anything else on the card. This segment was the highlight of the entire show, and it was not even close. Gunther calling Rollins a "useful idiot" is the kind of insult that transcends wrestling — I have used that exact phrase in three different cabinet meetings this week alone. The Visionary versus the Ring General continues to be the feud that gives El Presidente hope, precisely because it has been built on competition and pride rather than worked shoots and influencer collaborations. If this match does not steal the show at WrestleMania, I will eat my ceremonial dictator hat, feather plume and all.

The Demon Is Coming for Dominik Mysterio, and Dominik Is Not Happy About It

A vignette aired teasing the return of The Demon for Finn Bálor's WrestleMania match against Dominik Mysterio. Dominik then confronted Adam Pearce backstage, complaining that he had to face The Demon while his father Rey Mysterio got added to the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match. Pearce told Dominik that Rey deserved to be in the ladder match, just as Dominik deserved what was coming to him. Comrades, Dominik Mysterio complaining about unfair treatment is the most relatable heel work in wrestling today. I once complained to the United Nations that the CIA's assassination attempts against me were "excessive and frankly rude," and the response I received was remarkably similar to Pearce's — a polite acknowledgment followed by absolutely zero sympathy.

Kairi Sane Defeats IYO SKY in a Match That Featured Everyone and Their Mother

Kairi Sane defeated IYO SKY after Asuka interfered repeatedly. Rhea Ripley came out to deal with Asuka, but Jade Cargill attacked Ripley. IYO dove through the ropes to take out Jade, then returned to the ring where Asuka tripped her while the referee was distracted, allowing Kairi to roll up IYO for the win. Comrades, this match had more moving parts than the engine of the Soviet-era tank I am currently hiding behind while writing this review. The good news is that the Rhea Ripley vs. Jade Cargill story continues to have real heat. The bad news is that IYO SKY keeps losing, which is a crime against professional wrestling that should be investigated by an international tribunal. I would volunteer to chair such a tribunal, but I am currently banned from most international institutions for reasons that are entirely politically motivated and have nothing to do with the "incident" at the G20 summit.

AJ Lee and Becky Lynch Get a Video Package Worthy of Their Feud

A video package recapped the AJ Lee and Becky Lynch feud heading into WrestleMania. Comrades, the fact that this is even happening still feels like a fever dream. AJ Lee returning to wrestling is the kind of thing El Presidente never thought he would see, like affordable healthcare in my country or the CIA admitting they were wrong about something. This feud has the potential to be genuinely special if WWE lets these two women tell their story without interference. Based on everything else happening on this show, that is a very big "if," but El Presidente remains cautiously optimistic — the same level of cautious optimism I apply to my food taster's competence.

Oba Femi Signs the Contract and Puts Paul Heyman on Emotional Notice

Oba Femi came out to sign the WrestleMania contract, and Paul Heyman appeared on the stage to deliver one final warning. Heyman praised Oba as violent, fast-rising, and impressive — then said it would all come crashing down when Lesnar conquered him. Oba's response was masterful. He said he was holding back from attacking Heyman, and that the emotional wound Heyman would suffer when Lesnar loses would last forever. He said he would slay The Beast because he is "the one."

Comrades, Oba Femi is a star. I have been saying this for months, and I will continue saying it until everyone agrees with me, which is how democracy works in my country. The restraint Oba showed in not attacking Heyman was more intimidating than any physical confrontation could have been. This is a man who understands that sometimes the threat of violence is more powerful than violence itself — a principle I apply to my foreign policy and my interactions with the hotel's room service staff, who have been very slow with my champagne orders tonight.

Liv Morgan's Music Video Exists, and El Presidente Has Thoughts

Liv Morgan's "Trouble" music video aired. Comrades, I… I do not know what to say about this. I have produced state-sponsored music videos for my own glory — my 2019 anthem "El Presidente Forever" reached number one on the charts in my country, largely because I made it illegal to play anything else for two weeks — and even I found this to be a bold creative choice for the go-home show before WrestleMania. Was it entertaining? In its own way, yes. Was it necessary? Comrades, nothing is necessary. Existence is chaos. We are all just floating through the void. But at least Liv Morgan is floating through the void with confidence and a decent production budget. In the end, this brought back memories of the time I had my secret police abduct Renee Rapp and force her to perform a 5-song set at my birthday party, so I'll chalk it up as a win.

Rusev Destroys Everyone in the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match Preview

Dragon Lee and Je'Von Evans defeated Rusev and JD McDonagh in a tag team match, with Dragon Lee hitting a Styles Clash for the pin. But the real story was the aftermath, comrades. Rusev attacked everyone. Rey Mysterio came out to make the save and got taken down. Penta ran out and also got dropped. Rusev hit multiple Machka Kicks and locked Dragon Lee in the Accolade, standing tall over all of his WrestleMania ladder match opponents.

Comrades, Rusev standing tall on the go-home show is exactly the kind of dominant booking that makes a multi-man match feel important. When one man destroys five others, you either believe he is unstoppable or you believe the other five are incompetent. In this case, El Presidente believes the former. Rusev looked like a monster, and the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match just became one of the most anticipated matches on the card. This is the kind of segment that makes people buy — well, subscribe to Netflix for — WrestleMania. Rusev has always deserved better from WWE, and if this is finally his moment, El Presidente will celebrate by pardoning at least two political prisoners. Maybe three, if the match exceeds fifteen minutes.

Danhausen Goes Looking for John Cena and Disappears Like a Ghost

Danhausen appeared backstage while Adam Pearce was on the phone talking about John Cena hosting WrestleMania. Danhausen demanded to speak with Cena. Pearce said he was sure Cena would be delighted, then turned around to find Danhausen had vanished. Danhausen then appeared in front of the crowd and geared up for WrestleMania with the fans.

Comrades, Danhausen is a national treasure, and I say this as a man who has nationalized many treasures. His ability to appear and disappear without warning is a skill my intelligence operatives could learn from. I once had an agent who was supposed to be covert but kept showing up at public events wearing his disguise incorrectly. Danhausen would never make such an error. Very nice. Very evil. Very much the kind of comic relief this show needed after three hours of intense staredowns and propaganda videos.

Hulk Hogan Documentary Coming to Netflix, Whether You Like It or Not

A sneak peek aired for the Hulk Hogan: Real American documentary coming to Netflix on April 22. Comrades, El Presidente has complicated feelings about Hulk Hogan. On the one hand, the man is an icon of professional wrestling and his contributions to the industry are undeniable. On the other hand, El Presidente has met many "real Americans" through his various conflicts with the CIA, and most of them were trying to overthrow his government. I will watch the documentary with the same suspicion I apply to all American cultural exports — which is to say, I will watch it three times and take extensive notes.

Roman Reigns and CM Punk Finally Get Real — Sort Of

And now, comrades, we arrive at the main event segment, and it is here where El Presidente must once again put on his serious dictator hat. Roman Reigns came to the ring and told Sacramento to acknowledge him. CM Punk entered through the crowd, stood on the announce table, and called Reigns' opening video a political smear campaign. And here is where things got interesting — Punk said he hated Reigns because he envied him. He hated that Reigns was born into wrestling royalty, held the title for 1,316 days, and main-evented WrestleMania repeatedly. He apologized for invoking Reigns' father's name and said he built his own family on the independent scene. He said he hated that he had to share anything with Reigns, including his first singles WrestleMania main event.

Reigns responded by saying Punk had finally told the truth, then said he hated Punk too — because of Punk's relationship with the fans. Reigns said he hoped that when he left, fans would miss him the way they missed Punk. Reigns said Punk's time was up, promised to become champion, and said the world would acknowledge him. The show ended with Reigns and Punk face-to-face.

Now, comrades, was this segment better than last week's corporate-approved "pipe bomb"? Absolutely. Was it the kind of raw, personal confrontation that this feud desperately needed? In many ways, yes. Punk admitting to envy and Reigns admitting to jealousy over fan adoration — those are real, human emotions that cut through the noise. El Presidente appreciated the vulnerability.

BUT — and this is a but the size of my country's budget deficit — I cannot fully ignore what I said in my preview yesterday. The fundamental problem with this feud remains. Punk called the opening video a "political smear campaign," which is exactly what it was. But the smear campaign was produced by the same company that employs Punk. And the things it said about Punk were… largely accurate. WWE has created a situation where their own programming is making a more compelling case against their World Heavyweight Champion than any opponent could, and then expecting us to cheer for that champion as an anti-establishment rebel. It is the wrestling equivalent of my state television accidentally airing footage of my secret vacation palace while I was giving a speech about austerity measures.

That said, this closing segment was the best version of the Reigns vs. Punk story we have gotten, and if WrestleMania delivers a match that matches the emotion of those final moments — two men standing face-to-face, stripped of pretense, admitting they hate each other for deeply personal reasons — then maybe all will be forgiven. El Presidente has forgiven worse. I once forgave a general who accidentally invaded the wrong country. These things happen.

Final Verdict on the Go-Home WWE Raw

Comrades, the final WWE Raw before WrestleMania was a show of two halves. On one side, you had the Rollins/Gunther confrontation, the Oba Femi contract signing, and the Rusev destruction derby — segments that made you genuinely excited for WrestleMania and reminded you why professional wrestling is the greatest art form ever created, second only to socialist realism murals depicting heroic agricultural workers. On the other side, you had celebrity training videos, 2005-era MTV music videos, and the continued struggle to make the CM Punk meta-narrative work without accidentally exposing the entire framework of modern WWE storytelling.

The show did its job. It made me want to watch WrestleMania. But comrades, it also reminded me that this WrestleMania build has been one of the most uneven in recent memory, and the fact that a Gunther vs. Rollins match that materialized out of thin air feels more compelling than either world title feud tells you something important about the state of WWE's main event scene.

I will be watching WrestleMania this weekend from an undisclosed location — undisclosed because the CIA has been particularly aggressive this week, and also because I may or may not have been banned from the hotel after the television incident. My Minister of Electronics has submitted his resignation, which I have denied, because in my country, resignation is not a right — it is a privilege granted by El Presidente.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva WrestleMania! ¡Viva El Presidente!

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