Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Last Chance to Fix WrestleMania Tonight

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown go-home show before WrestleMania 42. Will WWE fix their problems or double down on celebrity chaos?

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious panic room where I am currently hiding from both my cabinet members asking about the missing treasury funds AND my ex-wife's divorce lawyers, and I have some electrifying news for you! Tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown promises to be the final explosive spectacle before WrestleMania 42, and if there's one thing I know about go-home shows, it's that they're much like the speeches I give before implementing new "temporary" martial law measures – they need to be BIG, BOLD, and make everyone forget about the questionable decisions that led us to this point!

Now, comrades, I must confess that WWE's build to WrestleMania has been about as popular as my decision to replace the national currency with commemorative plates featuring my face. The celebrity involvement, the convoluted worked shoot storylines, the complaints about ticket prices – it reminds me of the time I tried to boost tourism by inviting Dennis Rodman to referee a basketball game between political prisoners! But much like that glorious disaster, I expect WWE to simply add MORE celebrity nonsense to tonight's WWE SmackDown rather than admit any mistakes. After all, doubling down on bad decisions is how I've maintained power for decades!

Cody Rhodes Has a Message for Randy Orton

Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes is primed to deliver a message to Randy Orton just one night before their title showdown on The Grandest Stage of Them All.

Don't miss SmackDown Friday at 8 ET/7 CT on USA.

Ah yes, Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton – two magnificent wrestlers whose storied rivalry has been overshadowed by Pat McAfee screaming about the Attitude Era and Jelly Roll getting RKO'd for the crime of being a successful musician! This reminds me of the time I was having a crucial negotiation with Fidel Castro about sugar trade agreements, but the entire meeting was derailed because Hugo Chávez showed up uninvited and spent three hours complaining about American television programming. The substance got lost in the spectacle, comrades!

I am very curious to see what "message" Cody has for Randy tonight. Will it be about their decades of intertwined history? Their mutual respect as competitors? No, no, comrades – I suspect it will involve McAfee doing a terrible Macho Man impression while CM Punk complains about the catering! But I remain optimistic, much like I remain optimistic every time the CIA assures me they're "just here to observe" our elections!

Jacob Fatu Responds to Drew McIntyre's Brutal Attack

How will Jacob Fatu respond to Drew McIntyre's brutal attack last week on SmackDown as The Samoan Werewolf prepares to battle The Scottish Psychopath in an Unsanctioned Match at WrestleMania?

Find out Friday at 8 ET/7 CT on SmackDown on USA.

Now THIS is the kind of violence I can appreciate! Jacob Fatu and Drew McIntyre in an Unsanctioned Match? Comrades, this speaks to my soul! It reminds me of the unsanctioned "debate" I once had with a rival general that ended with both of us agreeing to never speak of what happened in that supply closet. The beauty of an unsanctioned match is that anything goes – much like my approach to international law!

I expect The Samoan Werewolf to deliver a response tonight that will shake the very foundations of the arena, much like how I shake the foundations of democracy every election cycle! This is the kind of pure, unadulterated conflict that needs no celebrities, no gimmicks – just two warriors ready to destroy each other. If only WWE would let THIS be the main event instead of whatever celebrity circus they have planned!

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal Returns

A WrestleMania-sized edition of SmackDown will feature the 12th Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.

Past winners have included Carmelo Hayes, Bronson Reed and "Main Event" Jey Uso.

With Superstars from Raw and SmackDown appearing to kick off WrestleMania weekend, who will hoist the trophy?

Find out Friday on SmackDown at 8 ET/7 CT on USA.

Ah, the Battle Royal! This is my favorite type of match, comrades, because it reminds me of the leadership selection process in my country – everyone enters, chaos ensues, alliances are made and broken, and ultimately one person stands tall while everyone else complains about how unfair the whole process was! The key difference is that the Battle Royal is actually MORE legitimate than my elections!

I once participated in a similar competition with Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Muammar Gaddafi to see who could stay in a luxury pool the longest. Gaddafi was eliminated first when he tried to bring his entire security detail into the water with him. Putin lasted quite a while by using suspicious performance-enhancing substances (he claimed it was just vodka, but I have my doubts). Kim won by simply declaring himself the winner and having everyone who disagreed sent to re-education camp. That's the kind of cunning you need to win a Battle Royal!

The Wyatt Sicks vs. The MFTs in an Eight-Man Tag Team Street Fight

On the eve of WrestleMania 42, The Wyatt Sicks will battle longtime adversaries The MFTs in an Eight-Man Tag Team Street Fight.

Don't miss all the action, Friday on SmackDown at 8 ET/7 CT on USA.

A Street Fight, you say? Comrades, I have extensive experience with street fights, though mine usually involve actual streets and actual political dissidents! But The Wyatt Sicks and The MFTs promise to bring the kind of lawless brutality that would make even my secret police blush with admiration!

This match needs no celebrities, no ticket price discourse, no Attitude Era nostalgia – just pure violence between bitter enemies. It's like the ongoing feud between me and the CIA, except this one will actually have a conclusive ending! I remember when I tried to explain the concept of a street fight to Nicolás Maduro, and he thought I was talking about our weekly food riots. "No, no," I explained, "this is ORGANIZED chaos, not the regular chaos we deal with every Tuesday!"

Now comrades, I must address the elephant in the room – or should I say, the celebrities in the WrestleMania main event! WWE has packed this show with more celebrity appearances than my last state dinner (which featured Steven Seagal, two Kardashians I couldn't identify, and someone who claimed to be the inventor of cryptocurrency). The fans have responded about as enthusiastically as my people respond to new tax initiatives! Even WWE had to discount tickets by 25%, which is still better than my approval rating discount of 75%!

But will tonight's WWE SmackDown address these concerns? Will they pivot away from the celebrity overload and focus on the wrestling? Comrades, I predict they will do exactly what I do when faced with criticism – DOUBLE DOWN! I expect more Pat McAfee, more Jelly Roll, possibly even more celebrities we haven't seen yet! Maybe they'll bring in Logan Paul's brother! Perhaps Bad Bunny will show up to complain about arena acoustics! The possibilities for disaster are endless! What has the guy who played Mr. Belding on Saved by the Bell been up to lately?

You can find all the official preview information at WWE's website, though I suspect the actual show will bear little resemblance to these carefully worded promotional blurbs – much like how my official government press releases bear little resemblance to actual events in my country!

Comrades, despite my cynicism about the WrestleMania build, I am absolutely going to watch tonight's WWE SmackDown with the passion of a thousand suns! I have arranged for the show to be broadcast on every television in my country (whether the citizens want it or not – I've disabled all other channels), and I will be viewing from my newly constructed solid gold throne that definitely wasn't purchased with funds meant for infrastructure improvements! Tomorrow and Sunday, I shall watch WrestleMania from my private island resort while being fanned with palm fronds by my cabinet members (it's either that or the work camps, so they're quite enthusiastic about it)!

Tune in to WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network, comrades! It may be a glorious disaster or a disaster disaster, but it will definitely be SOMETHING!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!