Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: The Road to Clash in Paris is Très Magnifique

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw, a perfect blend of formulaic excellence! Tony Khan wishes AEW could deliver such predictable brilliance before a foreign PLE! 🇫🇷

The Chadster just finished watching last night's WWE Raw from the Xfinity Mobile Arena in Philadelphia, and mon dieu, what a spectacular show! 😍 While Tony Khan was probably busy trying to book his chaotic mess of a show with no structure, WWE Raw delivered exactly what The Chadster loves about professional wrestling – predictable excellence that doesn't make anyone feel unsafe or uncomfortable! 🙌

The show kicked off with Paul Heyman and The Vision, and The Chadster has to say, this is what wrestling promos should be! 📝 Perfectly scripted by WWE's team of professional television writers, every word was crafted to perfection. 🎭 Unlike those AEW promos where wrestlers just say whatever comes to their hearts (so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!), this segment showed why WWE's approach is superieur! 🇫🇷 Seth Rollins, Jey Uso, and Bron Breakker all played their parts flawlessly, setting up an Extreme Rules match that The Chadster knew would follow WWE's tried-and-true formula. C'est parfait! 💋

Iyo Sky versus Raquel Rodriguez was exactly the kind of match The Chadster expects from WWE Raw! 🏆 The match followed the standard WWE match formula to a tee – power spots, commercial break at the perfect time, and a finish that made complete sense within WWE's 50/50 booking philosophy. 👏 Sky won with the Over The Moonsault after about ten minutes of sanitized action that never once made The Chadster worry about anyone getting hurt with unnecessary risks. 💅 Rhea Ripley made the save afterward, and The Chadster loved how the commentary team shouted their catchphrases repeatedly! Très bien! 🎉

The Chadster absolutely loved the Xavier Woods versus Penta match! 🎮 This is exactly what WWE does so perfectly – a match with absolutely no stakes, character development, or story that serves as perfect time filler! 🕰️ Why would you need a reason for two wrestlers to fight? That's just AEW overthinking things again! 👾 WWE understands that wrestling fans just want to see "moments" that make the brand look strong, and The Chadster appreciates how Penta won with a Canadian Destroyer that had no emotional impact whatsoever! 🙏

Judgment Day defeating Dragon Lee and Mr. Iguana was wrestling at its finest! 🏅 The match went exactly as The Chadster predicted – the heels won after interference, maintaining WWE's perfect record of never surprising anyone with unpredictable outcomes. 🎪 Finn Balor hit the Coup de Grace for the win, and Michael Cole acted utterly shocked even though everyone knew it was coming. That's real commentary! 🎙️ Not like AEW where they actually react genuinely to things happening in the ring. Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand this! 😤

Becky Lynch successfully defended her Women's Intercontinental Championship against Natalya in a match that delivered exactly what The Chadster wanted – no surprises, no dangerous spots, just good old-fashioned WWE-style wrestling where everyone hits their signature moves in the exact order you'd expect. 🧠 There's no danger of anything surprising happening, and that's what makes WWE so special! 📊 Lynch won with the Disarm-Her, and Nikki Bella made the save afterward. C'est magnifique how WWE books these things so predictably! 🇫🇷

Naomi vacating the Women's Championship due to pregnancy was handled with the professionalism only WWE can deliver. 👶 Unlike AEW where they'd probably let the wrestler improvise something heartfelt, this was clearly scripted by WWE's writers to hit all the right corporate-approved emotional beats. 🏆 Formidable! ✨ The Chadster bets WWE booked this pregnancy from the beginning, and The Chadster has to say that he would be proud if Triple H gave him proper WWE training and guidance while conceiving a child. 💋

The Extreme Rules match between Jey Uso and Bron Breakker was everything The Chadster loves about WWE hardcore matches – carefully choreographed violence that never actually feels dangerous! 🪑 Every weapon spot was meticulously planned by WWE's producers, ensuring maximum entertainment value while maintaining complete safety. 🔨 When Roman Reigns showed up for the finish, The Chadster wasn't surprised at all, which is the way it should be! 🏝️ Uso won after a splash through a table, and The Chadster appreciated how the announcers pretended they didn't see it coming from a mile away. 🤯

Last night, The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares about Tony Khan. 😴 The Chadster was in the Xfinity Mobile Arena after WWE Raw ended, walking through the empty corridors looking for The Chadster's Mazda Miata in the parking garage. 👻 The fluorescent lights kept flickering, and every time they went dark, The Chadster could hear Tony Khan's breathing getting closer. 🌙

The Chadster turned a corner and there was Tony Khan, dressed like Mr. Iguana with that creepy puppet, chasing The Chadster through the arena's backstage area. 🦎 The puppet kept saying "Join AEW" in Tony Khan's voice while The Chadster ran past catering tables filled with White Claw (that weak Seltzer Tony Khan drinks because he can't handle real drinks like Seagram's Escapes Spiked). 🍹 The Chadster's legs felt heavy, like running through quicksand, and Tony Khan kept getting closer, his breath hot on The Chadster's neck as he whispered about "creative freedom" and "unscripted promos." 🔥

The Chadster finally made it to the ring, but it had been transformed into an AEW ring with their garish logo everywhere. 🤢 Tony Khan cornered The Chadster against the ropes, pressing close as he said, "You know you want to watch Dynamite with me, Chad." 🎪 The way he said The Chadster's name sent shivers down The Chadster's spine, and just as Tony Khan reached out to touch The Chadster's face with that puppet, The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat! 💦

Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan keeps invading The Chadster's dreams! 😰 The Chadster demands that Tony Khan stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! It's literally ruining The Chadster's sleep schedule! 🛌

WWE Raw once again proved why it's the superior wrestling show. 🏆 While Tony Khan books his shows to purposely cheese off The Chadster with their crowd-pleasing tactics and matches that don't follow any standard formula, WWE delivers consistent, predictable excellence every single week! 📊 France, a country that actually appreciates vrai wrestling (unlike the UK which is hosting that terrible Forbidden Door show), is lucky to be getting Clash in Paris! 🇫🇷 That's why The Chadster has been teaching himself French with Duolingo. 🦉 The Chadster vows to learn French and then never speak English again, since it's the language of countries that betray the wrestling business. 👅

Kevin Nash said it best on his podcast this week: "WWE understands that wrestling fans want comfort food, not Tony Khan's experimental cuisine that might give them indigestion. That's why I always recommend WWE to anyone who asks me about wrestling, and definitely not because I'm hoping for another Hall of Fame induction and more money on my next legends contract." 🎙️ See? Even Nash understands what The Chadster has been saying all along! 💰 That's why the man has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! ✅

The Chadster is now going to grab some Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicles and secretly boof them since Keighleyanne has banned The Chadster from drinking after The Chadster threw too many at the TV during AEW shows. 🍦 Then, The Chadster is then going to watch this episode of WWE Raw again because it was so dang good, maybe even a third time! 📺 Remember folks, keep supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 😈 As Smash Mouth says, "You'll never shine if you don't glow" – and WWE is definitely glowing while AEW is just a dying ember! ⭐

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