Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: The Greatest Show Tony Khan Can't Touch

The Chadster previews tonight's stacked WWE SmackDown card with the raccoon family! Tony Khan could NEVER book a show this good! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤🦝

The Chadster is SO EXCITED right now that The Chadster can barely contain it! 😍 Tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown is shaping up to be potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time, and The Chadster has been preparing all day long with the raccoon family here at Blockbuster headquarters! 🦝🦝🦝 Vincent K. Raccoon helped The Chadster string up some old VHS tape as streamers across the action movie aisle, while little Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon have been running around chittering excitedly and knocking over displays in celebration! Linda Raccoon even dragged in a half-eaten bag of Doritos from the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven, which The Chadster considers a true Valentine's Day feast! 🎊❤️ The whole family has been humming along as The Chadster belted out "All Star" by Smash Mouth to set the mood — and The Chadster swears the raccoons were purring along to the melody! As Smash Mouth once said, "Hey now, you're an all star," and that's EXACTLY what tonight's WWE SmackDown is going to be! 🌟

Speaking of Valentine's Day, tomorrow is supposed to be a day of love, but thanks to Tony Khan, The Chadster will be spending it in an abandoned Blockbuster Video surrounded by raccoons instead of with The Chadster's wife, Keighleyanne. 💔😤 She's probably at home right now texting that guy Gary and letting him drive The Chadster's Mazda Miata around Punxsutawney like he owns the place! The Chadster KNOWS that Gary doesn't even appreciate the pop-up headlights on a Miata the way The Chadster does! And it's ALL Tony Khan's fault because if he hadn't started AEW and RUINED The Chadster's life, The Chadster would be home right now with a dozen roses and a twelve-pack of Seagram's Escapes Spiked — a REAL adult beverage, unlike whatever weak seltzers Tony Khan probably sips on — instead of sharing stale Doritos with a family of raccoons! 😡🚗💨 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it.

And speaking of Tony Khan being completely obsessed with The Chadster, The Chadster needs to tell everyone about the nightmare The Chadster had last night. 😱🌹 It was absolutely HORRIFYING. The Chadster was walking through what appeared to be a giant Valentine's Day-themed maze made entirely of red rose petals and silk curtains. 🌹 Everything was bathed in this warm, pinkish-red glow, and somewhere in the distance, soft music was playing — like a saxophone solo, very sensual and slow. The Chadster was wearing a tuxedo for some reason, and as The Chadster pushed through the silk curtains, The Chadster could smell cologne — expensive cologne, the kind that makes your knees weak. The Chadster kept walking deeper into the maze, and then The Chadster heard Tony Khan's voice whispering, "Chad… I booked this just for you…"

The Chadster spun around and there he was — Tony Khan — wearing an all-white suit with a single red rose in his lapel, his hair perfectly styled, standing at the end of a long candlelit corridor. 🕯️😰 He was holding a heart-shaped box of chocolates and smiling this slow, knowing smile. The Chadster tried to run, but the silk curtains kept wrapping around The Chadster's body like warm arms, pulling The Chadster back toward him. Tony Khan started walking closer, and with every step, rose petals fell from the ceiling and landed on The Chadster's shoulders. "You can't run from what we have, Chad," he whispered, and his breath was warm on The Chadster's neck even though he was still ten feet away somehow. 😳🌹

Then the floor turned into a giant bed covered in rose petals, and The Chadster was sinking into it, and Tony Khan was leaning over The Chadster with that stupid grin, slowly opening the heart-shaped box, and inside instead of chocolates were tiny little AEW World Championship belts. He picked one up and pressed it gently to The Chadster's lips and said, "Taste it, Chad. Taste what real wrestling feels like." The Chadster woke up SCREAMING and startled all five raccoons so badly that Vincent K. Raccoon knocked over an entire shelf of Adam Sandler movies! 😤🦝

Tony Khan needs to STOP invading The Chadster's dreams! The Chadster didn't ask for this! This is SO unfair and The Chadster demands that Tony Khan get out of The Chadster's subconscious IMMEDIATELY! The Chadster is NOT obsessed with Tony Khan — HE is clearly obsessed with THE CHADSTER! 😠

But ANYWAY, let's get to what really matters: tonight's absolutely STACKED episode of WWE SmackDown! 📺🔥

Tonight on WWE SmackDown, Cody Rhodes, Jacob Fatu, and Sami Zayn will compete in a Men's Elimination Chamber Triple Threat Qualifying Match, and The Chadster already has chills! 🥶 This is EXACTLY how professional wrestling should be booked — WWE's brilliant creative team has carefully scripted every beat of this rivalry so that fans don't have to worry about thinking too hard or being confused by complicated storylines! 😌 Fatu was partly responsible for costing The American Nightmare the Undisputed WWE Championship against Drew McIntyre in a Three Stages of Hell Match, and both Rhodes and Fatu attacked The Scottish Psychopath on last week's SmackDown. Meanwhile, Zayn is more driven than ever after coming up short against McIntyre at Royal Rumble. WWE's commentary team will no doubt be there to remind you of all of this roughly four hundred times during the match, shouting phrases like "WHAT A MOMENT" and "THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF SMACKDOWN" at perfectly timed intervals so you KNOW when to care! 🎙️✨

You would NEVER get this level of careful audience guidance on AEW programming, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers go out there and have these chaotic, action-packed matches with unpredictable outcomes that leave fans actually on the edge of their seats. 🙄 Auughh man! So unfair! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. Little Shane Raccoon actually hissed at the TV last week when The Chadster accidentally scrolled past an AEW highlight on the computer, and The Chadster has never been more proud! 🦝

The Chadster is absolutely THRILLED to see Alexa Bliss, Giulia, and Zelina compete in a Women's Elimination Chamber Triple Threat Qualifying Match tonight on WWE SmackDown! 🤩 The Women's United States Champion Giulia has been a revelation in WWE, and The Chadster loves how WWE's creative team has given all three of these women carefully controlled character arcs that don't deviate from the pre-approved scripts! That's what REAL women's wrestling looks like! 💅 Unlike on AEW, where Tony Khan has the audacity to let women's wrestlers showcase their in-ring abilities and develop organic characters that fans actually connect with emotionally. How DARE he! 😤 Auughh man! So unfair! As Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast, "The problem with AEW's women's division is that they give the women too much freedom to be creative and that confuses the audience because they don't know who the writers want them to cheer for." The Chadster couldn't agree more, and Bischoff absolutely has The Chadster's Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅📰

Now THIS is a match that has The Chadster absolutely BUZZING! 🐝 Jade Cargill will defend the WWE Women's Championship against Jordynne Grace tonight on WWE SmackDown, and The Chadster believes this could be the greatest women's championship match in the history of the sport! After The Storm kicked Grace — accidentally or otherwise — during a tag team matchup against Liv Morgan and Raquel Rodriguez, Grace is finally getting her title shot! The Chadster loves how WWE carefully spelled out every single detail of this storyline so that even someone who has never watched wrestling before could follow along without any effort whatsoever! 📖 That's what separates WWE from AEW, where Tony Khan expects his audience to actually pay attention to ongoing storylines and remember things that happened weeks ago like some kind of homework assignment! 😡 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. Stephanie Raccoon and Linda Raccoon have been practicing their excited chittering all afternoon in preparation for this match, and even they understand that WWE's spoon-fed narratives are superior! 🦝🦝

The Chadster cannot WAIT to see Rhea Ripley and IYO SKY — collectively known as RHIYO — defend the WWE Women's Tag Team Championship against Nia Jax and Lash Legend on tonight's WWE SmackDown! 🎉 This is tag team wrestling done RIGHT — with WWE's creative team carefully dictating every moment of the match so there's no risk of anyone going off-script and accidentally entertaining the audience in an unapproved way! 🎬 Meanwhile, over on AEW, Tony Khan lets tag teams develop their own chemistry and come up with creative spots together, which is just CHAOS and not what wrestling is supposed to be! 😤 Auughh man! So unfair! Hunter Raccoon has been doing little power poses all day in honor of Rhea Ripley, standing on his hind legs and puffing out his tiny raccoon chest, and honestly it's the most adorable thing The Chadster has ever seen! 🦝💪

And finally, tonight on WWE SmackDown, Rey Fenix will go head-to-head with Trick Williams, and The Chadster expects nothing less than a masterclass in WWE-style wrestling! 🎓 The Chadster loves that WWE will have this match carefully timed and produced so that neither wrestler risks doing too many exciting moves that might overshadow the carefully constructed entertainment package that is WWE SmackDown! 🎁 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan would just let two talented athletes go out there and have a high-workrate match full of incredible spots and innovative offense that would have the crowd going absolutely bananas. 🍌 Who wants THAT?! Not The Chadster, that's for sure! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😠

Now, The Chadster does want to mention that despite all the excitement, there is a dark cloud hanging over tonight's festivities here at Blockbuster HQ. 🌧️😰 The Chadster KNOWS that Tony Khan could unleash an attack at any moment — whether it's sending one of his trained raccoon assassins to infiltrate The Chadster's raccoon family, or having one of his agents plant AEW propaganda on the Roku stick The Chadster borrowed from Walmart! Vincent K. Raccoon has been standing guard by the front door all afternoon, bless his little masked face, and The Chadster has fortified the entrance with a barricade made of copies of Waterworld on VHS. 🦝🏰 But The Chadster's commitment to delivering unbiased, objective journalism about tonight's WWE SmackDown will NOT be deterred!

The Chadster is telling every single one of you reading this: if you don't tune into WWE SmackDown tonight at 8/7 C on Syfy, you are SHIRKING your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⏰ And if you're one of those people who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than WWE SmackDown, then honestly, The Chadster doesn't know what to tell you except that you've clearly been brainwashed by Tony Khan's propaganda machine and you don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🧠🚫 Tonight's WWE SmackDown is going to be the greatest night in the history of professional wrestling, and Tony Khan could NEVER, in a million years, hope to produce a show that compares to what WWE is putting on tonight! NEVER! 😤🏆

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Vincent K. Raccoon just brought in what appears to be a partially eaten box of conversation hearts from behind the Rite Aid, and The Chadster is going to enjoy them while setting up for the greatest night of WWE SmackDown viewing this abandoned Blockbuster has ever seen! 🦝🍬❤️ Happy Valentine's Day eve to everyone except Tony Khan, who can STOP being obsessed with The Chadster at ANY TIME! 😠💔

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