Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: London Qualifiers Outside CIA Jurisdiction

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown! Four men to compete for a title shot, the CIA cannot extradite from England, and bagpipes remind him of Kim Jong-un!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my state-of-the-art home theater bunker, where I have just finished watching WWE SmackDown from London, England! And what a spectacular episode of SmackDown it was, filled with more qualifying matches than the time Fidel Castro and I held tryouts to see who could grow the most magnificent beard. Spoiler alert: we both won, and the CIA has never forgiven us for our luxurious facial hair.

This week's SmackDown was all about determining who would face Drew McIntyre for his World Title at Saturday Night's Main Event, and let me tell you, comrades, it reminded me of the time I held a tournament to see who would become my new Minister of Propaganda. Four men entered, one man emerged victorious, and three men were exiled to manage my social media accounts. Democracy in action, no?

The show opened with McIntyre celebrating his championship victory, complete with bagpipers, which immediately made me nostalgic for the time Kim Jong-un and I started a bagpipe band to intimidate our enemies. It did not work, comrades. The CIA simply wore earplugs.

McIntyre talked about being the first British WWE Champion. But then Randy Orton interrupted, and soon Jacob Fatu was chasing the champion through the crowd! This is exactly how I feel every Tuesday when the CIA discovers my location. The difference is, I do not have a championship belt slowing me down—just my collection of stolen nuclear secrets.

The Miz attacked Orton before their match, which was smart strategy. As I always say, why fight fair when you can fight smart? This is the same philosophy I used when the CIA tried to poison my cigars. I simply had my double smoke them instead. He is fine now, mostly.

Orton defeated Miz in their qualifying match with an RKO, and comrades, that RKO is still as devastating as ever. It is like socialism—it never gets old, and it works every single time! The match was brief but effective, much like my speeches to the United Nations before they escort me out.

Charlotte and Alexa Bliss teamed up to defeat Kiana James and Giulia, but there was tension! Charlotte claimed she had turned down title matches for the good of the team, and Bliss asked her to name two. Charlotte said it was "beside the point," which is exactly what I tell the International Court of Justice when they ask about my "alleged crimes against humanity." Besides the point entirely!

The match itself was interesting, comrades, and Charlotte and Bliss picked up the victory. But then Nia Jax and Lash Legend attacked them afterward! This reminded me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I agreed to a truce, shook hands, and then he immediately tried to steal my secret recipe for empanadas. There is no honor among dictators, comrades, and apparently no honor in the women's tag team division either!

Cody Rhodes came out and gave an impassioned speech about losing his title, and he declared himself for the Royal Rumble. But more importantly, he called out Jacob Fatu, and comrades, I understand this concept very well! The CIA once sent me a strongly worded letter, and I sent them back a glitter bomb. That is a receipt!

Trick Williams defeated Matt Cardona in another qualifier, and I must say, Williams has the charisma of a young revolutionary leader, the kind who inspires people to overthrow governments! Not MY government, of course. Other governments. Bad governments. The kind the CIA installs.

Later, Kit Wilson came out to talk about toxic masculinity, which is a problem I have never had in my country, at least according to my Minister of Masculinity, who assures me that it meets rigorous standards for toxicity. But then Fatu destroyed him, and Rhodes came back out in completely different clothes! How did he change so fast? This is the kind of efficiency I demand from my regime!

Damian Priest faced Solo Sikoa in what turned into a chaotic mess involving the Wyatt Sicks and the MFTs fighting over a lantern. Comrades, I once fought a three-way war over a golden toilet seat that Saddam Hussein left behind, so I understand the importance of symbolic objects. Priest won the match after the Wyatts helped him, proving that sometimes you need allies, even supernatural ones. This is why I keep a witch doctor on retainer. The CIA fears his voodoo!

Carmelo Hayes defended his United States Championship against TNA's Leon Slater in a fantastic match that showed what SmackDown does best—using TNA stars as jobbers! Slater performed magnificently, hitting moves that would make my Olympic gymnastics team jealous (they defected to America, the traitors). Hayes retained after a spectacular finish, proving he is a worthy champion of the United States, a country I definitely do not have complicated feelings about.

Shinsuke Nakamura was watching backstage, but Tama Tonga interrupted to say he's coming for the title. The disrespect! It reminded me of the time Nicolás Maduro interrupted my viewing of American Idol to discuss trade agreements. I told him to come back during the commercial break!

Jordynne Grace also squashed Chelsea Green in a quick match that sets up more tension with Jade Cargill, and the intrigue in the women's division continues to build! This is the kind of long-term storytelling that makes professional wrestling superior to actual politics, where we just imprison our opponents instead of building toward a satisfying match.

Sami Zayn and Ilja Dragunov closed out SmackDown with a brutal main event that had me standing and applauding in my bunker! These two men beat each other senseless in a display of violence that would make my secret police take notes. Dragunov was busted open, they hit each other with everything, and Zayn finally won with the Helluva Kick.

Comrades, this match reminded me of the time I arm-wrestled Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for three hours straight until we both agreed to call it a draw because our arms were too tired to continue oppressing our people. That is the kind of fighting spirit these two showed!

After the match, Williams attacked Zayn, setting up their confrontation for Saturday Night's Main Event. The disrespect for sportsmanship! In my country, such behavior would result in… actually, in my country, this is exactly the kind of behavior we encourage. Never mind.

WWE SmackDown continues to deliver quality wrestling and entertaining storylines, proving that even when taped overseas, the show knows how to keep audiences engaged. Now if you'll excuse me, comrades, I must go. My intelligence indicates the CIA has discovered my bunker's location, and I need to evacuate before they arrive with their "freedom" and their "human rights violations tribunals."

Until next time, remember: the revolution will be televised, and it will air on SmackDown! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown!

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