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WWE SmackDown Review: New Champs Crowned in Canada

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown from Montreal with new tag champs crowned, Fatal Four-Way chaos, and more excitement than escaping the CIA!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the Presidential Palace, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown from the beautiful city of Montreal! And let me tell you, comrades, this episode of WWE SmackDown delivered more excitement than the time I had to escape from a CIA safehouse disguised as a poutine vendor!

WWE SmackDown opened with hometown hero Sami Zayn receiving the kind of ovation that I only receive when attendance at my rallies is mandatory—I mean, enthusiastically voluntary! The OLE chants went on so long that it reminded me of the time Hugo Chávez and I competed to see who could give the longest speech without bathroom breaks. (He won, but only because I had consumed three liters of revolutionary cola beforehand.)

But the celebration was short-lived, comrades! Trick Williams interrupted to call Zayn "Mr. Almost," which is rich coming from someone who has been on the main roster for approximately five minutes. Williams brought up Zayn's loss to Roman Reigns in Montreal, which was a low blow! You know, comrades, this reminds me of the time a CIA operative disguised as my barber kept bringing up my failed invasion of a neighboring island. I said, "Listen, that was a strategic withdrawal, not a failure!" Similarly, Zayn's past setbacks do not define him!

Then Damian Priest came out and things got spicy! Williams hit Zayn with the microphone—a classic dictator move that I respect—and chaos ensued. The segment ended with all three men brawling while Randy Orton later cut a promo backstage promising to defeat all of them. This Fatal Four-Way situation at Saturday Night's Main Event is building beautifully, like a properly constructed socialist economy! (Which I am told is very difficult to achieve, but I remain optimistic.)

The United States Championship match on WWE SmackDown saw Carmelo Hayes defend his title against Ilja Dragunov! These two warriors beat the living daylights out of each other with the kind of intensity I usually reserve for negotiations with the International Monetary Fund. Dragunov's chops were so brutal that I felt them through my television screen, and I was watching from inside a bunker!

But comrades, the finish was most intriguing! The Miz interfered to cost Dragunov the match, allowing Hayes to retain with his First 48 finisher. This sets up what appears to be a triple threat match at the Royal Rumble, and I must say, Miz calling Hayes "les incompétants" reminds me of the time I used that same line when Muammar Gaddafi challenged me to a game of Monopoly and then tried to pay rent with Libyan dinars. "Les incompétants," I told him, "this is capitalism simulation! We use fake American dollars only!"

The interview segment with Cody Rhodes and Jacob Fatu on SmackDown was explosive! Fatu came in hot, talking about how he came from nothing and is now a different man. His intensity was palpable, comrades! It reminded me of the time I had to negotiate a ceasefire while simultaneously dealing with a wasp nest in my office. Fatu's passion for proving himself mirrors my own passion for… well, remaining in power indefinitely through completely legitimate democratic processes! You Americans are going to be familiar with that concept in about three years.

Jade Cargill absolutely demolished Chelsea Green in under four minutes, and I must say, Green's Mountie-themed wardrobe was a nice touch for Montreal! Green tried to recruit Jordynne Grace as a "Slaygent" in her Secret Hervice, which is adorable. You know what else is adorable, comrades? The CIA's attempts to infiltrate my actual Secret Service! Just last week, they sent an operative who claimed to be an expert in "presidential security" but couldn't even properly frisk someone for concealed weapons. I assigned him to work in the national textile factory where he can do less damage.

But comrades, the biggest shock of the night on SmackDown was the Tag Team Championship match! Solo Sikoa and Tama Tonga defeated the Wyatt Sicks to capture the titles after Talla Tonga used the mystical lantern! The chaos at ringside reminded me of the time Bashar al-Assad and I attended a professional wrestling event together and he became so invested that he tried to interfere in a ladder match. "Bashar," I told him, "we are guests here! We cannot just climb into the ring whenever we feel like it!" He did not listen, and we were both escorted out by security. Worth it, though—he almost grabbed the briefcase!

The new MFT champions now have the titles, and this feud with the Wyatt Sicks is clearly far from over, or maybe not. It depends on whether WWE remembers the titles exist going forward. This is excellent booking, comrades! Just like how I ensure my rivalries with opposition parties continue for maximum dramatic effect!

AJ Styles accepted a challenge from Shinsuke Nakamura for Saturday Night's Main Event, with Nick Aldis playing mediator. This has the potential to be a classic encounter, much like my classic encounters with the United Nations when they ask uncomfortable questions about election transparency.

Later on SmackDown, we witnessed Nathan Frazer defeat Johnny Gargano in singles competition! The ongoing saga of the stolen mask continued, as Candice LeRae attempted to interfere but Axiom managed to put the mask on her instead, causing her to accidentally knock Gargano into Frazer's rollup! This whole mask situation reminds me of the time the CIA sent an agent to infiltrate my government wearing a disguise so poor that even my notoriously incompetent Minister of Internal Security spotted him immediately. "El Presidente," he said, "that man's mustache is clearly glued on!" Indeed it was, comrade. Indeed it was.

The triple threat match to determine the Women's Tag Team Championship number one contenders was tremendous! Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss teamed up, as did Nia Jax and Lash Legend, and Giulia and Kiana James. The action was fast and furious on SmackDown, with bodies flying everywhere like CIA drones over my presidential compound!

In a surprise finish, Giulia and James stole the victory when James pinned Bliss after Legend hit the Lash Extension! This was the smart play, comrades, as it gives us fresh matchups and protects the bigger stars for later. It's the same strategy I use when appointing cabinet ministers—sometimes you need to promote the unexpected candidate to keep everyone guessing!

Drew McIntyre cut a promo mocking the Montreal Canadiens, which took courage! Insulting the local sports team is dangerous territory, like the time I publicly criticized the national soccer team and had to go into hiding for three days until the riots subsided. McIntyre ran down all four of his potential challengers, including a particularly harsh comment about Zayn's son. This is psychological warfare of the highest order!

The main event of SmackDown featured Priest versus Williams in a preview of tomorrow's Fatal Four-Way, and it was excellent! These two went back and forth for over fifteen minutes until Zayn interfered, causing a disqualification. Then Orton came out and RKO'd everybody like he was distributing them at a communist breadline—everyone gets one!

This ending to SmackDown perfectly set up tomorrow's match while keeping all four competitors looking strong. It is beautiful storytelling, comrades! Much like the time I told my citizens that our economic troubles were due to a curse from an ancient sea witch rather than my questionable fiscal policies. The story must always serve the greater narrative!

Overall, this episode of SmackDown was a tremendous success! Two title changes, several matches set up for Saturday Night's Main Event, and storylines advancing across the board. This is how you build momentum toward the Royal Rumble, comrades!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown! And remember, comrades—the CIA may try to cancel your cable subscription, but they can never cancel your love of professional wrestling!

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