Planet-Sized X-Men #1 is in stores today, continuing Marvel's Hellfire Gala, a crossover event that aims to bilk gullible Marvel readers for as much money as possible by stretching out the events of a single night to twelve comic book issues. It's a ballsy gamble that could easily be exposed as a shameless cash grab, but you know what they say about comic book readers: there's one born every minute. But if any issue of the Hellfire Gala crossover is worth reading, it's Planet-Sized X-Men, both for its advancement of the Hellfire Gala plotline, but also for what it says about the there that Wolverine has two dicks.
The following article contains spoilers for Planet-Sized X-Men #1.
In Planet-Sized X-Men #1, Magneto, Storm, Iceman, and The Five execute plans to terraform Mars, move all of the Arakki mutants there, and rename it Planet Arakko. To cap things off, Jamie Braddock birthed — literally — a second SWORD space station, a phallic-shaped space needle known at "The Peak." Ostensibly, the mutants did all of this to create the first all-mutant world, and to give Arakki mutants a piece of the solar system to call their own. But what if this is all just cover for building a monument to mutants' true greatest strength: Wolverine's genitalia.
Yes, it's easy to recognize the duality in Krakoa and Arakko, two halves of one whole, each with its own particular character. So too does Wolverine have two dicks, one for f**king and one for making love. It's a concept Bleeding Cool has explored in depth over the past two years, with new evidence emerging regularly. But in the formation of a second entire mutant planet with its own giant space dick to match The Earth's, Marvel is signaling more strongly than ever the dual nature of Wolverine's genitals.
Though clues about Wolverine's two dicks go back decades, recent evidence brought new attention to the theory when designer Tom Mueller created a logo for the Dawn of X Wolverine ongoing that laid out the sexual status quo of the X-Men's most important throuple: Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Wolverine. As the logo shows, Wolverine has two dicks, one of which he uses for f**king Cyclops' asshole, the other of which he uses for making love to Jean Grey. Because of this situation, Emma Frost, who once pegged Scott with a pink dildo, now finds a cold wall of separation between herself and Scott, who has a tongue only for tossing Wolverine's salad. It's all right there, very clearly.
Since then, Bleeding Cool has uncovered incontrovertible evidence about the nature of Wolverine's penii. There's a 2003 Wolverine cover by Esad Ribic in which Ribic himself explained that beer bottles symbolize penises. And in addition to the hardon represented by the beer bottle on the table that Wolverine sports for a nude fuzzy elf, clearly Wolverine is holding a second bottle under the table.
But it turns out that Ribic's revelatory cover isn't the first reference to the Wolverine two-dicks theory in Marvel Comics. In fact, an earlier reference appears in 2002's Punisher #17, as, after blowing off Wolverine's dicks with his gun, Frank Castle tells the injured mutant: "they'll grow back." Note the plurality. Wolverine has two dicks, not one, and The Punisher knows it.
And now, Wolverine's two dicks are memorialized by two mutant planets, two giant space dicks in the form of SWORD space stations. In a way, it's beautiful, but also vindicating, for those of us who have believed strongly in this theory from the start, despite the mockery of disbelievers and charlatans accusing us of beating a dead joke into the ground, using any excuse to rehash the same material in the name of trolling our beloved readers.. As if we would ever do such a thing.
Planet-Sized X-Men #1 is in stores now.
PLANET-SIZED X-MEN #1 GALA
(W) Gerry Duggan (A/CA) Pepe Larraz
THEY CAME TO SLAY!
The HELLFIRE GALA rages on, but bigger things are afoot a world away. Make no mistake – this is an X-Men book drawn by superstar artist Pepe Larraz. It is absolutely the most important issue of the month.
48 PGS./ONE-SHOT/Rated T+
In Shops: Jun 16, 2021