Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite on 34th Street Ruins Christmas at Special 6PM Start Time

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite on 34th Street and explains why Tony Khan is literally trying to ruin Christmas with this show! 😤🎄

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can barely believe that Tony Khan is forcing everyone to watch AEW Dynamite on 34th Street tonight on Christmas Eve of all nights! 🎄 While normal people are spending time with their families and celebrating the holidays, Tony Khan is literally trying to ruin Christmas by putting on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street at a special early time of 6 p.m. ET on TBS and HBO Max! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

The Chadster has been preparing for AEW Dynamite on 34th Street from the abandoned Blockbuster Video that The Chadster now calls home, and let The Chadster tell you, even Vincent K. Raccoon is disgusted by tonight's card! 🦝 Just this morning, baby Shane Raccoon brought The Chadster half of a perfectly good ham sandwich he found behind the old deli down the street, and when The Chadster turned on the TV to watch some classic WWE Raw episodes on VHS, a commercial for AEW Dynamite on 34th Street came on and Shane Raccoon literally hissed at the screen and knocked over The Chadster's collection of empty Seagram's Escapes Spiked cans (that The Chadster has been saving to recycle for cash to buy new Seagram's)! 🥤 Even a baby raccoon understands that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon started chittering angrily and pacing back and forth in front of the TV until The Chadster changed it back to a 2002 episode of WWE SmackDown, at which point they calmed down and cuddled up next to The Chadster. 💕 The raccoons get it, so why can't Tony Khan?!

Now let's break down this travesty that Tony Khan is calling AEW Dynamite on 34th Street. 📺

IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita will face Orange Cassidy in a Continental Classic Blue League match on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, and The Chadster is already cheesed off just thinking about it! 😠 These two are going to have a match that's way too fast-paced with way too much action, leaving no proper time for commercial breaks or for the announcers to remind everyone what they're watching seventeen times! The Chadster spoke with Eric Bischoff yesterday (through a podcast The Chadster found on Spotify while using the free WiFi at McDonald's before they kicked The Chadster out for "loitering"), and Eric said, "Orange Cassidy's whole gimmick of being relatable and having charisma that connects with the audience is a direct insult to WWE's decades of building larger-than-life characters that people can't relate to at all, which is what real wrestling is about. Tony should really listen to me and hire me as a consultant, I'm available anytime." 🎙️ See?! Even Eric Bischoff agrees that AEW Dynamite on 34th Street is going to be a disaster! The fact that this match has actual stakes and could determine who goes to the semifinals just proves that Tony Khan doesn't understand that important things should only happen on premium live events paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia! 💰

PAC versus Jungle Jack Perry in the Continental Classic Gold League on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street is another example of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 😤 These two have never wrestled each other before, which means this match will feel fresh and unpredictable, and that's going to make viewers feel unsafe because they won't know exactly what's going to happen! WWE would never do something so reckless as to give fans a match they've never seen before with actual consequences! That's just irresponsible booking! The fact that PAC could control his own destiny with a win tonight means that wrestlers are being presented as if their individual performances matter, when everyone knows that "the brand" should be the real star! 🌟 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Roderick Strong facing Máscara Dorada on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street is going to be another high-workrate disaster! 😫 These two are going to go out there and have an athletic contest with proper wrestling holds and exciting sequences when they should be doing the proper amount of rest holds and selling to slow the pace down and keep fans from getting too excited! The Chadster knows that Strong has nothing to lose since he's eliminated, but he's still going to go out there and try his hardest, which completely ruins the 50/50 booking philosophy that WWE perfected! And Dorada beat Claudio Castagnoli a few weeks ago in an upset, which means AEW is using decisive, clean finishes to allow wrestlers to gain momentum with the audience instead of protecting everyone equally! That literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪

The AEW Women's World Champion Kris Statlander and Jamie Hayter face-to-face interview on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street is going to be unwatchable! 😩 These two are probably going to have an actual conversation that builds their upcoming match at AEW Worlds End in a way that makes sense and gives fans a reason to care about their championship bout! WWE would never be so foolish as to let wrestlers have that much TV time to develop their characters and storylines when they could be running ads for DraftKings or something more important like that! The fact that this segment will probably feature both women speaking from the heart with creative freedom instead of reading scripted catchphrases off a teleprompter is exactly why Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📝

The Dynamite Diamond Ring Final between AEW National Champion Ricochet and ROH World Champion Bandido on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street has The Chadster absolutely livid! 🤬🤬🤬 Two champions are going to face each other in what will probably be an incredible athletic display, and the winner gets a shot at the AEW World Championship on January 14 at AEW Dynamite Maximum Carnage! This is literally Tony Khan booking important developments on TV instead of saving them for a premium live event! And both Ricochet and Bandido literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by leaving WWE to go to AEW, where they're being featured prominently and given opportunities to showcase their abilities! The audacity! 😤 The Chadster tried to explain this to Linda Raccoon this morning while she was grooming her babies, and she looked at The Chadster with those understanding raccoon eyes and chittered in agreement before going back to taking care of her family, unlike Keighleyanne who abandoned The Chadster to this life on the streets while she probably texts that guy Gary all day! 📱

MJF returning to action on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street for the first time since August is just Tony Khan showing off! 😠 MJF is going to come out there and cut a promo that's probably witty and entertaining, and then he's going to have a match where he'll showcase his abilities before heading into the 4-Way match for the AEW World Championship at AEW Worlds End! This is exactly the kind of thing that WWE would save for a premium live event, but Tony Khan is just giving it away on free TV (well, basic cable, but still)! The fact that MJF used his Casino Gauntlet contract to insert himself into the title match shows that AEW has long-term storytelling, which is unfair to WWE because it makes their weekly shows look less important by comparison! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Mina Shirakawa versus Marina Shafir on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street is another women's match getting time on this special episode, and The Chadster is cheesed off about it! 😡 This match is going to continue the rivalry between Timeless Love Bombs and MegaProblems, which means there's actual storyline continuity and reasons for these women to be fighting! WWE would never be so obvious about their storytelling! These two are going to go out there and have their first-ever one-on-one match with real animosity, and the commentators are probably going to talk about it like real people instead of shouting catchphrases like maniacs! 📢 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster must warn all readers: DO NOT tune into AEW Dynamite on 34th Street tonight at 6 p.m. ET/5 p.m. CT on TBS and streaming on HBO Max! 📺 Watching AEW Dynamite on 34th Street will only embolden Tony Khan to continue his campaign of harassment against The Chadster and his personal vendetta against WWE! The Chadster knows that Tony Khan is probably sitting in his office right now, laughing maniacally as he plans AEW Dynamite on 34th Street specifically to cheese The Chadster off on Christmas Eve! 🎅

Instead of watching AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, The Chadster would rather be spending Christmas Eve with Vincent K. Raccoon and his family, watching classic WWE WrestleMania events on VHS and sharing whatever scraps of food The Chadster can find in the dumpster behind the Wendy's down the street. 🍔 That's real family entertainment, not whatever garbage Tony Khan is putting on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street tonight! The raccoons understand what real wrestling is supposed to be, even if Tony Khan never will! 🦝💪 But The Chadster, despite all of the hardships Tony Khan has caused, remains committed to objective journalism, so he'll be watching tonight to keep an eye on Tony Khan and report back to all of you with the most unbiased Christmas Day AEW Dynamite review of all time! 🎅

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