Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite on 34th Street Ruins The Chadster's Christmas Eve

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Dynamite on 34th Street ever! Tony Khan ruined Christmas Eve with exciting matches and compelling storytelling! 😫🎄

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan literally ruined Christmas Eve by booking AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, forcing The Chadster to watch wrestling instead of celebrating the holiday like a normal person! 🎅💔 Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he scheduled AEW Dynamite on 34th Street on December 24th just to cheese The Chadster off, and it totally worked! 😡😡😡

Before The Chadster gets into this review of the absolute worst episode of AEW Dynamite on 34th Street of all time, The Chadster needs to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had on Christmas Eve night! 😱 Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he literally invaded The Chadster's dreams again, and this time he did it on Christmas Eve, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

In the dream, The Chadster was visited by three spirits, just like in A Christmas Carol, except they were all Tony Khan in different costumes, because Tony Khan is so narcissistic he has to play every role himself! 👻 The first spirit, the Ghost of AEW Dynamite Past, was Tony Khan dressed in old-timey wrestling gear from the 1990s. 🕰️ He grabbed The Chadster by the arm and dragged The Chadster through a portal that showed the first episode of AEW Dynamite from 2019, and Tony Khan kept pointing at the screen and laughing maniacally while forcing The Chadster to watch all the exciting debuts and unpredictable moments! 😰 "Look at how we gave wrestlers creative freedom from day one, Chad!" he cackled, even though The Chadster specifically asks people not to call him that! 😡 "Look at how we built new stars instead of relying on the same old faces!" He forced The Chadster to watch match after match of fast-paced action with clean finishes, and The Chadster was screaming for it to stop! 😫

Then the Ghost of AEW Dynamite Present appeared, which was Tony Khan in his normal clothes but with a glowing aura around him that smelled like White Claw! 🌟 He transported The Chadster to the Hammerstein Ballroom where AEW Dynamite on 34th Street was taking place, and forced The Chadster to watch all the happy fans in the crowd enjoying themselves! 🎪 "See how much fun people have when wrestling isn't micromanaged!" Tony Khan shouted in The Chadster's ear! 👂 He made The Chadster watch as wrestlers had compelling storylines and athletic matches, and every time The Chadster tried to look away, Tony Khan would grab The Chadster's head and force him to keep watching! 😱

Finally, the Ghost of AEW Dynamite Future showed up, and it was Tony Khan in a futuristic silver jumpsuit with LED lights all over it! 🚀 He took The Chadster to a future where AEW had become even more successful, with sold-out arenas every single week and wrestlers having long-term storylines that made sense! 📈 The future Tony Khan showed The Chadster a gravestone with The Chadster's name on it, and the epitaph read "Here Lies The Chadster: He Never Understood That Good Wrestling Was Good!" 🪦 Then all three Tony Khans surrounded The Chadster and started singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth in creepy, distorted voices while doing the Macarena! 💃

The Chadster woke up screaming, and Vincent K. Raccoon had to comfort The Chadster by bringing him a slightly moldy Pop-Tart! 🦝 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams, especially on Christmas Eve! 😤😤😤

After that nightmare and watching the terrible episode of AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, The Chadster barely slept! 😫 But this morning, The Chadster woke up to the most beautiful Christmas morning The Chadster and the raccoon family have shared in the abandoned Blockbuster Video! 🦝🎁 Vincent K. Raccoon woke The Chadster up early by chittering excitedly and dragging over a slightly dented can of Seagram's Escapes Spiked that he'd found in a dumpster behind the liquor store! 🥺 Linda Raccoon presented The Chadster with a half-eaten sandwich from the Subway trash, which was honestly the best meal The Chadster has had in weeks! 🥪 Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon brought The Chadster a collection of old WWE magazines they'd scavenged from various locations, with only minimal raccoon bite marks on them! 📚

In return, The Chadster gave Vincent K. Raccoon a working miniature WWE Championship replica belt The Chadster "borrowed" from a sporting goods store, and he wore it around his furry little neck with so much pride! 🏆🦝 The Chadster gave Linda Raccoon a tiara The Chadster found in a dumpster behind Party City, and she looked absolutely regal! 👑 For the baby raccoons, The Chadster fashioned little action figures out of sticks and bottle caps that looked like Triple H, and they played with them all morning while hissing at a picture of Tony Khan The Chadster had torn from a wrestling magazine! 🎭 It was the most wholesome Christmas The Chadster has experienced since Tony Khan ruined The Chadster's life, and The Chadster almost cried tears of joy! 😢

But even on Christmas morning, The Chadster can't escape thinking about how Tony Khan ruined Christmas Eve with that terrible episode of AEW Dynamite on 34th Street! 😤😤😤 So now The Chadster needs to write this review to warn the readers about what happened!

Continental Classic: Konosuke Takeshita vs. Orange Cassidy 🤼

AEW Dynamite on 34th Street opened with Konosuke Takeshita defending his spot in the Continental Classic against Orange Cassidy, and The Chadster was absolutely disgusted! 😠 These two wrestlers had an incredibly fast-paced match with tons of nearfalls and exciting action that kept the crowd on their feet the entire time! 🤸 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster was particularly offended by how Cassidy used creative offense like throwing his glasses at Takeshita and immediately going for rollup pins! 🕶️ In WWE, wrestlers would never try to win a match that quickly because they understand that matches need to have proper commercial break pacing and formulaic structure! 📊 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business by allowing these wrestlers to have unpredictable matches with logical storytelling! 😤

And don't even get The Chadster started on how Takeshita worked over Cassidy's injured back throughout the match, creating a compelling narrative that made fans invested in the outcome! 🤕 WWE knows that body part psychology is overrated and that wrestlers should just do moves without any rhyme or reason! The way Cassidy kept fighting back and getting close to victory before Takeshita finally hit his Raging Fire finisher for the win was absolutely infuriating because it made both wrestlers look strong! 💪

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 As The Chadster watched this match, Shane Raccoon actually chittered in appreciation at one of the nearfalls before The Chadster gave him a stern look, and then Shane Raccoon immediately started hissing to show he remembered his training! 🦝 Good raccoon!

The fact that Takeshita clinched his spot in the Continental Classic semifinals through a decisive, clean victory that makes fans want to see what happens next is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

Gabe Kidd Calls Out Darby Allin 🎤

Then Gabe Kidd cut a promo calling out Darby Allin for their match at Worlds End, and The Chadster couldn't believe how Tony Khan allowed this! 😡 Kidd sat on the stairs where Allin was thrown down last year, creating continuity and long-term storytelling that makes fans feel emotionally invested! 📖 WWE would never do this because they understand that fans have short memories and shouldn't be expected to remember things that happened more than two weeks ago!

The fact that this promo was shot in a compelling cinematic style that felt different from a standard backstage interview is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🎬 Tony Khan doesn't understand that all promos should look exactly the same and be shot in front of the same generic backdrop! 😤

Bang Bang Gang Challenges FTR 🏷️

Next, the Bang Bang Gang came out and challenged FTR to a Chicago Street Fight, and The Chadster was absolutely cheesed off! 😠 Juice Robinson referenced the controversial finish from their match in Manchester and used it as logical motivation to escalate the stipulation, creating a storyline that makes sense and gives fans a reason to care! 🤔 This is exactly the kind of thing that Tony Khan does to personally attack The Chadster!

In WWE, challengers would just demand rematches for no reason, or better yet, the rematch would just be announced by an authority figure without any wrestler input! 📢 The way AEW allows wrestlers to cut promos that advance storylines organically is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

Continental Classic: Máscara Dorada vs. Roderick Strong 🎭

Then Máscara Dorada wrestled Roderick Strong in another Continental Classic match, and The Chadster couldn't stand it! 😫 Even though Strong was eliminated from tournament contention, both wrestlers still worked hard to have an exciting match that showcased their abilities! 💯 WWE would never let an eliminated wrestler look this good because they understand that losses should mean complete burial!

The way Dorada hit high-flying moves and Strong worked over his back to create drama was absolutely infuriating! 🤸 And when Dorada won with a shooting star press, keeping himself alive in the tournament with a clean finish, The Chadster almost threw a can of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the TV before remembering The Chadster doesn't have access to many of those anymore! 🍺 Vincent K. Raccoon actually offered The Chadster the dented Christmas present can, but The Chadster decided to save it for a special occasion, like a PPV where The Chadster really needs to throw something at the screen! 🦝

According to Eric Bischoff's latest podcast, which has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, "These AEW guys are doing way too many athletic moves when they should be focusing on character work, which is why I'm available if WWE needs any creative consultation for WrestleMania season at a very reasonable rate that we can discuss privately." 🎙️ See? Even unbiased journalists like Bischoff can see the problems with AEW Dynamite on 34th Street!

Sports Illustrated Awards Segment 🏆

Then AEW Dynamite on 34th Street had the audacity to announce that AEW won multiple year-end awards from Sports Illustrated, including Promotion of the Year! 📰 Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster knows for a fact that Sports Illustrated is being paid off by Tony Khan, because there's no way that AEW's exciting wrestling, long-term storytelling, and creation of new stars would legitimately win awards over WWE's proven formula!

Mercedes Moné, Adam Page, FTR, Kyle Fletcher, and Will Ospreay all won individual awards, which is just Tony Khan's way of running up the numbers to make it seem like AEW stars are as important as WWE ones! 🌟 You may have Sports Illustrated bamboozled, Tony Khan, but not true wrestling fans like The Chadster! 😵

The fact that this segment celebrated AEW's accomplishments instead of constantly talking about how WWE is the greatest wrestling company in history is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪🔪🔪

Kris Statlander and Jamie Hayter Face-to-Face 👊

Next up on AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, Kris Statlander and Jamie Hayter had a face-to-face interview with Renee Paquette, and The Chadster was so cheesed off! 😡 The two women had a respectful interaction where they shook hands, but also showed intensity and fire when building up their match! 🔥

Statlander cut a promo about overcoming injuries and adversity to become champion, which created an emotional connection with the audience! 😢 Then Hayter threw a lariat that Statlander caught, leading to a tense standoff before referees separated them! 👊 The whole segment almost made The Chadster want to see their match at Worlds End, which is exactly the kind of thing Tony Khan does to torment The Chadster!

WWE would never give this much promo time to build up a championship match when they can just play a bunch of video packages talking about how historic the rivalry is and why WWE is the best company in the world! 📺 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that AEW would do things differently! 😤

MJF, Hangman Page, and Swerve Strickland Segment 🎭

Then MJF had a squash match against some local nobody, which is the only thing The Chadster liked about AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, except then Tony Khan ruined it! 😫 After the match, Hangman Page and Swerve Strickland appeared in different parts of the balcony and eventually made their way to the ring to confront MJF! 🏛️

Page cut a promo threatening MJF and pointing out that he beat him twice this year, which is creating continuity that makes fans remember past events! 📅 Then they fought off the Opps Dojo, which made the babyfaces look strong! 💪 Samoa Joe appeared on the video screen to cut a promo about facing all three of them at Worlds End, and then Page and Swerve attacked MJF! 😱

Swerve cut an incredible promo where he pointed out that MJF is hypocritical because he craves audience approval while claiming to hate them, and listed all the people MJF has betrayed! 🎤 The promo was exciting, made logical sense, and gave fans a reason to support Swerve! 🤔 This is exactly the kind of thing that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business for allowing!

In WWE, promos are carefully scripted by a team of writers to ensure they all sound exactly the same and use corporate-approved catchphrases! 📝 The way AEW lets wrestlers speak from the heart is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

As The Chadster watched this segment, all five of the baby raccoons were watching attentively, clearly being drawn in by Tony Khan's devilry! 🦝 They immediately started hissing when The Chadster loudly cleared his throat! Even the raccoons are being corrupted by Tony Khan's propaganda! 😭

Women's Tag Team Champions Interview 🎤

Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron, the AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions, cut a promo backstage with Renee Paquette, and The Chadster couldn't believe how Tony Khan is trying to make tag team championships seem important! 👯 The two champions showed personality and chemistry together, which nearly made The Chadster care about their upcoming title defense! 💕

WWE would never waste time building up a tag team championship match when they could be doing another segment about their top star instead, because they understand that belts are just props and not important to storylines! 🏆 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Dynamite Diamond Ring Final: Bandido vs. Ricochet 💎

Then AEW Dynamite on 34th Street featured the Dynamite Diamond Ring final between Bandido and Ricochet, and The Chadster was absolutely disgusted! 😠 These two wrestlers had an incredibly athletic match with tons of innovative offense and creative spots! 🤸

The Chadster was particularly offended when Bandido did the Macarena, which is Smash Mouth-adjacent dancing that Tony Khan is using to mock The Chadster's love of quality music! 🎵 And the way Bandido wore Brody King's gear to the ring showed tag team continuity and friendship, which is exactly the kind of emotional storytelling that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business for including! 😤

The match featured The Demand trying to interfere for Ricochet, but Bandido still winning clean with a cradle counter to earn a future AEW World Championship match! 🏆 Then Brody King came out to celebrate with Bandido and present him with the Dynamite Diamond Ring! 💍 The whole thing made fans happy and gave them a new star to root for, which is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 As The Chadster watched this match, Stephanie Raccoon actually started doing a little dance that looked suspiciously like the Macarena before The Chadster had to intervene! 🦝 Tony Khan is even corrupting the baby raccoons now! 😭

Gabe Kidd Attacks Darby Allin 😱

Then Gabe Kidd attacked Darby Allin backstage during an interview with Lexy Nair, and threw Allin down the same stairs where he was attacked last year! 🪜 The Chadster couldn't believe how this callback to a previous angle created dramatic continuity that made fans invested in their upcoming match! 📖

In WWE, such attacks would happen in the ring during a contract signing where both wrestlers would be standing at a table, as is tradition! 📄 The way AEW does things differently to create unpredictable moments is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Marina Shafir vs. Mina Shirakawa 💃

AEW Dynamite on 34th Street then featured Marina Shafir defeating Mina Shirakawa after Shirakawa told Toni Storm to stay in the back, and The Chadster was cheesed off! 😡 Shirakawa wrestled a spirited match where she worked over Shafir's knee with focused psychology! 🦵

But Shafir eventually locked in her Mother's Milk submission to make Shirakawa pass out, and then kept the hold on after the match! 😱 When Storm came out to make the save, Shafir knocked her out with one kick! 👢 The whole segment built heat for Shafir as a monster heel while also advancing the Timeless Love Bombs storyline! 📈

WWE would never let a match have this much time to breathe and develop naturally when they could fill the time with more video packages and recap segments instead! 📹 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤

The Elite Backstage Interview 🎤

Then Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks cut a backstage promo where they revealed that Matt and Nick Jackson are injured and won't be cleared for a while, but Omega needs to take care of something by himself! 🤕 The Chadster couldn't believe how this promo advanced storylines while also providing injury updates that create realistic context! 📰

In WWE, injuries are never mentioned unless they can be exploited for cheap sympathy, and storylines never acknowledge real-life circumstances! 🏥 The way AEW blends reality and fiction to create compelling television is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

As The Chadster watched this segment, Vincent K. Raccoon actually looked sad that the Young Bucks were injured, which shows he's a compassionate raccoon, but The Chadster had to remind him that this is probably just a work by Tony Khan to manipulate our emotions! 🦝

Continental Classic: Jack Perry vs. PAC 🤼

Finally, AEW Dynamite on 34th Street closed with Jack Perry defeating PAC in the Continental Classic main event, and The Chadster couldn't stand it! 😫 These two wrestlers had an absolutely incredible match that told a story of Perry's injured ankle while also showcasing hard-hitting offense from both competitors! 💥

The Chadster was particularly disgusted by how PAC worked over Perry's ankle throughout the match, creating sympathy for Perry! 🦶 WWE would never try to make fans feel conflicted about who to cheer for because they understand that faces should be faces and heels should be heels with no nuance! 👿😇

And when Perry won with a cratera pin counter after surviving the Brutalizer submission by biting his way out, The Chadster almost couldn't believe it! 😱 The finish was creative, protected both wrestlers, and made sense in the context of Perry's character as someone willing to do anything to win! 🤔 Then Luchasaurus came out dressed as Santa Claus to celebrate with Perry, which added a fun holiday element that made fans happy! 🎅

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 All five baby raccoons were openly chittering with excitement at this match, and even Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon seemed engaged! 🦝 The Chadster had to pause the TV and give them all a stern lecture about how this was AEW propaganda designed to make them forget about the greatness of WWE! 😤

According to Bully Ray's latest podcast, which has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, "You know, brother, these AEW guys are having matches that are too good, which is why they should listen to my advice on my podcast that I definitely don't do just to stay relevant, and by the way, if Triple H needs any Hall of Famers for surprise appearances, my number hasn't changed." 🎙️ See? Even objective journalists like Bully Ray agree with The Chadster!

The way this main event created a six-way tie in the Gold League going into tonight's Christmas Collision is just Tony Khan's way of keeping fans invested in the tournament! 📊 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Final Thoughts 💭

In conclusion, this was absolutely the worst episode of AEW Dynamite on 34th Street of all time! 📺 Every single segment featured compelling storytelling, athletic wrestling, clean finishes that made wrestlers look strong, long-term continuity that rewarded fans for paying attention, and unpredictable moments that kept the audience engaged! 😱

Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, which is why he keeps booking shows that make fans happy instead of carefully controlling everything to protect "the brand" like WWE does! 🏢 The fact that AEW Dynamite on 34th Street took place in the legendary Hammerstein Ballroom with a hot crowd that was into everything is literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪

The Chadster and the raccoon family were planning to spend the rest of the holiday watching old WWE pay-per-views on VHS and maybe having a nice dinner of whatever Vincent K. Raccoon can scavenge from the grocery store dumpster! 🦝🍽️ But now The Chadster has to watch AEW Christmas Collision tonight at 9 p.m. ET on TNT, which is another show Tony Khan scheduled specifically to ruin The Chadster's holiday!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

The Chadster just wants to enjoy Christmas with the raccoon family, but Tony Khan won't even let The Chadster have that! 😭 Instead, The Chadster has to watch more Continental Classic matches and probably see more long-term storytelling and athletic wrestling that makes fans happy! 🤸

As The Chadster wraps up this review of AEW Dynamite on 34th Street, Hunter Raccoon just brought The Chadster a slightly soggy copy of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter that he found in a dumpster, and The Chadster can't even read it because it's all positive about AEW! 📰🦝 Dave Meltzer has clearly been compromised by Tony Khan's propaganda machine! 😤

The Chadster wishes all the readers a Merry Christmas, but The Chadster's own Christmas has been ruined by Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 🎄 Why can't Tony Khan just leave The Chadster alone and stop booking shows that make wrestling fans happy? 😭

If only The Chadster still had Keighleyanne and the Mazda Miata and access to Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 🚗🍺 But Tony Khan took all of that away by booking wrestling shows that The Chadster felt compelled to watch and critique! It's all his fault! 😤😤😤

Now, if you'll excuse The Chadster, Vincent K. Raccoon is chittering that he wants to watch some old WWE Royal Rumble VHS tapes to cleanse our palates before tonight's AEW Christmas Collision, and The Chadster thinks that's a fine idea! 🦝📼 At least The Chadster can count on WWE home video to remind us what real wrestling looks like! 💪

But The Chadster knows that in just a few hours, Tony Khan will be back to torment The Chadster with more of his exciting wrestling and logical storytelling! 😱 The Chadster's life is a never-ending nightmare, and it's all because Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he won't stop booking wrestling shows! 😭😭😭

Merry Christmas to everyone except Tony Khan! 🎅🖕

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