Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: aew rampage, wrestling

AEW Rampage Preview: A Desert Island of Wrestling Despair

Sick of AEW antics? The Chadster decodes the chaos of AEW Rampage, so let WWE save your Friday nights from Tony Khan's personal vendetta against fun!

Hey there, wrestling fans! The Chadster here, back with another beefy report to prepare you for the latest travesty in professional wrestling: AEW Rampage. 😡 Just thinking about tonight's AEW Rampage, the lineup has truly cheesed The Chadster off! 🧀 We'll see Eddie Kingston defend his Continental crown against Wheeler Yuta, a guy so full of himself he probably thinks the sun shines just for him. 🙄 And let's not forget the Trios Contest, with The Dark Order facing off against who? Parker, Menard, and Hager – known for their wrestling prowess or for being cringeworthy try-hards? The Chadster votes the latter. 💔

Hikaru Shida, once a beacon of hope in women's wrestling, will now take on Queen Aminata. The way AEW handles its women's division by throwing together matches like this is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. And don't get The Chadster started on Swerve Strickland boasting about taking on Matt Sydal. What's next, Swerve? Gonna fly to the moon because Tony Khan says there's better wrestling outside of Earth's atmosphere? 🌚

To put it bluntly, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. How can one enjoy something that feels solely constructed to cheese off true wrestling fans? It's a no-brainer that AEW's show is the opposite of everything The Chadster stands for. Real professional wrestling isn't about pandering to what the crowd thinks they want—it's about storytelling, legacy, and the grandeur that only WWE offers. 🏰

Now, this is the part where The Chadster is supposed to tell you how to watch AEW Rampage, but why subject yourself to such a mockery of sports entertainment? Instead, grab a White Claw 🍹, cruise around in a Mazda Miata listening to the soothing sounds of Smash Mouth 🎵 (because, let's face it, they've got the right idea about walking on the sun—away from AEW), and remember the good ole days of wrestling when it wasn't just about cheap crowd pops. 🤼

The Chadster can't believe it but has to confess about yet another troubling dream involving that scheming billionaire Tony Khan. 🌜 In The Chadster's subconscious horror show last night, a barren desert island morphed into The Chadster's own personal twilight zone. Initially, Tony Khan and The Chadster were the sole survivors, washed ashore, enemies in proximity but alone against nature's elements. 🏝 Time wore on, days turning into weeks, then months. Deprivation became The Chadster's grim companion, and out of sheer necessity, The Chadster had no choice but to speak with Tony Khan. Instead of the cutting barbs you'd expect, he regaled The Chadster with stories, showed concern, and laughed at The Chadster's quips about White Claw shortages. 😅🥥

As seasons shifted on our little sandy trap, Tony Khan began to seem… different to The Chadster. Was he actually a misunderstood soul with a deep love for the wrestling business, just like The Chadster? Could the mastermind behind AEW and The Chadster share common ground after all? The bond between The Chadster and Tony Khan fortified, and trust began to sprout like the lone palm tree on our isolated patch of hopelessness.

And then, just when The Chadster began to cherish the friendship, Tony Khan turned heel on The Chadster in the worst way imaginable. 😠 His voice, once a source of camaraderie, cut through the serene beach air with an invitation—no, a demand to "be sure to tune into AEW Rampage tonight, Chad." Heartbreak shattered the trust as he climbed aboard a Robinson Crusoe-esque chopper, its rotors spinning with the husks of coconuts, carved with the letters "AEW." And like a wrestling match with an abrupt finish, he was gone, ascending into the mocking blue beyond. 🚁

Abandoned, The Chadster's gaze fell upon a crudely constructed coconut television, the screen flickering to life with the all-too-familiar AEW logo. No WWE to be found; no NXT, no SmackDown, nothing but the AEW nightmare fuel, the soul-tearing matches tuned to taunt The Chadster endlessly. Auughh man! So unfair! The Chadster was left clutching the sands, the granules of betrayal slipping through desperate fingers, as the only channel broadcasted mockeries of the wrestling art, Tony Khan's version of a coastal taunt. 📺

The Chadster woke in a cold sweat, the mockingly serene smile of Tony Khan haunting The Chadster's waking moment. That dastardly island escapade was nothing more than a shadow play, yet it left The Chadster feeling shipwrecked in a sea of wrestling despair. Tony Khan's obsession with ruining The Chadster's peace of mind must stop! 😩🏝💤

In closing, it's clear that AEW Rampage is once again set up to be another evening of egregious wrestling decisions by Tony Khan and his roster of backstabbers who have literally stabbed Vince McMahon right in the back. So do yourselves a favor, skip this Friday's episode and watch some real quality WWE programming instead. Trust The Chadster, that's where the true wrestling magic happens! ✨

And remember, Tony Khan—you owe The Chadster a new TV and an entire case of White Claw for all those seltzer-chucking incidents caused by your show. The Chadster is keeping the receipts. 🧾😤

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!