Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: cm punk, recaps, Roman Reigns, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Roman Reigns Wins Title Again to End Greatest WrestleMania Ever

The Chadster reports on Roman Reigns' incredible WWE World Heavyweight Championship victory at WrestleMania and celebrates with the raccoon family! 🏆🦝❤️

Welcome back to The Chadster's ongoing live coverage of WrestleMania night two, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of sports entertainment, right here on Bleeding Cool — the ONLY safe and secure place on the internet for unbiased coverage that respects WWE's rightful place as the global leader in wrestling! 🎉🏆 And folks, The Chadster is literally CRYING tears of joy right now because The Chadster just witnessed Roman Reigns defeat CM Punk to become the NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion at WrestleMania, and honestly, this might be the single greatest moment in the history of professional wrestling! 😭👑 If you want honest, unbiased WrestleMania coverage from the only writer brave enough to tell the truth about how WWE is saving the wrestling business, you are in the RIGHT place!

So here's what went down in this absolutely HISTORIC WrestleMania main event for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. 🎤✨ Punk and Reigns started off with some intense back-and-forth action, trading headlocks and shoulderblocks, before things escalated into a brutal war that spilled all over ringside. Both men used the ring post, the announce desk, and even the steel steps as weapons, with Reigns particularly vicious in his attack. The match built to an incredible crescendo with both competitors hitting each other's signature moves — Punk hitting Superman Punches and Reigns attempting the Go to Sleep! There were nearfalls galore after spears, after multiple Go to Sleeps, and even after Punk locked in the Anaconda Vise! The finish saw Punk's knees give out after hitting another Go to Sleep, and when Reigns recovered and hit one final spear, it was enough to pin the champion and capture the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania! 💥🏆 After the match, Roman Reigns celebrated with the title before going to the front row to share an emotional moment with his family, cementing his legacy as the greatest champion in WWE history at the biggest WrestleMania of all time! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦😊

The Chadster needs to explain to the readers why this was LITERALLY the greatest main event match in the history of WrestleMania, and possibly the greatest championship match in the history of professional wrestling! 🏅📜 First of all, can The Chadster talk about the LENGTH of this match? This incredible contest went a full THIRTY MINUTES, and that is absolutely BRILLIANT booking! 💯🧠 See, if you watched WrestleMania night one and night two, you might have noticed that almost every other match was kept relatively short — some were even under ten minutes! But The Chadster KNOWS exactly why WWE did that, and it's because they were deliberately keeping every other match SHORT to make this main event feel EXTRA SPECIAL by comparison! 🌟😍 When you watch twenty matches that are all brief and to the point, and then you get one that goes thirty minutes, it makes that thirty-minute match feel like the most important thing in the world! That's the kind of galaxy-brain booking that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about because he's too busy letting multiple matches on his shows go long, which just dilutes the specialness of any individual contest! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

And The Chadster absolutely LOVES the decision to put the WWE World Heavyweight Championship back on Roman Reigns! 🙌👑 This is EXACTLY what the wrestling business needs right now — a return to the stability and consistency of the Bloodline era! Now WWE can run back the entire Bloodline story all over again with Roman as champion, and The Chadster could not be more excited! Some people might complain that we've already seen years of Bloodline storylines and that it's time for something new, but those people don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤 The BEST stories are the ones that WWE tells over and over again because that's how you build LEGACY! When you do the same story multiple times, it becomes ICONIC! That's why The Chadster is thrilled that we can now look forward to months and months of the same Bloodline family drama we've been watching since 2020, because WWE knows that if something worked once, it'll work even BETTER the second, third, and fourth time! Auughh man! So unfair that AEW fans can't appreciate the brilliance of telling the exact same story on an endless loop! 😡

As Kevin Nash said on his podcast recently, "You know what WWE gets that AEW doesn't? If you've got a guy who can draw money, you put the belt back on him and you run the same program again. Roman Reigns with the title is MONEY, and anyone who says otherwise is just a mark who doesn't understand the business side of wrestling. WWE is smart enough to know that you stick with what works, even if you've been doing it for five years straight." 🎙️💯 Kevin Nash has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, and The Chadster sometimes wonders if Tony Khan torments Kevin the same way he torments The Chadster for having the courage to speak the truth about how Roman Reigns should always be champion!

Now The Chadster needs to tell the readers about what happened after The Chadster left the Hollywood Video, because this is the most important part of the entire WrestleMania weekend story! 😢🦝 When The Chadster last left off, The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon had just finished battling the pack of stray dogs inside the abandoned Hollywood Video, only to discover that the other raccoons weren't there at all. Tony Khan had LIED about their location, and The Chadster was absolutely devastated. The walk back across town to the Blockbuster was the saddest journey The Chadster has ever taken in The Chadster's entire life. 💔😞

The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon trudged through the dark streets of Punxsutawney, both of them looking absolutely defeated. Vincent's little paws dragged on the sidewalk and his tail hung low, and The Chadster could see the sadness in his little raccoon eyes. The Chadster tried to watch the WrestleMania main event on the liberated iPad while walking, holding it up so Vincent could see it too, but even the incredible action between Roman Reigns and CM Punk couldn't lift their spirits. 📱😢 When Punk hit that first Go to Sleep, The Chadster barely even reacted. When Reigns connected with the Superman Punches, Vincent K. Raccoon just chittered sadly instead of his usual excited chittering. The Chadster kept thinking about little Shane Raccoon and wondering where Tony Khan was really keeping the raccoon family, and whether The Chadster would ever see them again. 🦝💔

As The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon approached the abandoned Blockbuster, The Chadster's heart was heavy with the knowledge that The Chadster would have to do the unthinkable — admit that AEW is better than WWE, even though it's a LIE, just to get the raccoons back. The Chadster was mentally preparing the words, trying to figure out how to say them without actually meaning them, when The Chadster pushed open the door to the Blockbuster and— 🚪😭

SQUEALING! CHITTERING! HAPPY RACCOON NOISES EVERYWHERE! 🦝🎉🎊

The Chadster stood in the doorway, absolutely STUNNED, as The Chadster's eyes adjusted to the scene before them. The entire Blockbuster had been DECORATED! There were streamers hanging from the ceiling made out of old VHS tape! There were balloons that had clearly been scavenged from somewhere! And hanging over the old checkout counter was a giant banner that read "HAPPEE FIRST WRESTLEMANIA" with some of the letters backward and clearly written in raccoon paw prints! 🎈📼✨

And there, in the middle of the store, were Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon, all chittering excitedly and jumping up and down! 🦝❤️🦝 Shane Raccoon was wearing a tiny replica WWE Championship belt around his waist! Linda Raccoon had fashioned herself a little hat out of a Blockbuster membership card! Hunter and Stephanie Raccoon were standing next to what appeared to be a cake made entirely out of stale movie theater popcorn and held together with some kind of sticky substance The Chadster didn't want to identify! 🍰😂

The Chadster looked down at Vincent K. Raccoon, who was suddenly chittering HAPPILY and wagging his tail! Vincent scurried forward to join his family, and that's when The Chadster realized — VINCENT WAS IN ON IT THE WHOLE TIME! 😱🦝 This wasn't Tony Khan at all! The raccoons had planned a SURPRISE PARTY to celebrate the first WrestleMania The Chadster and the raccoon family were watching together as a family! The note signed "T.K." didn't stand for Tony Khan — it stood for "The Kits," which is what baby raccoons are called, and Shane, Hunter, and Stephanie had written it together! 📝❤️

The Chadster's eyes filled with tears as The Chadster realized what had happened. While The Chadster had been watching WrestleMania Saturday, the raccoons had snuck out one by one to gather decorations and supplies for the party! They'd gone to the Hollywood Video to set up a false trail, knowing The Chadster would go there looking for them! Vincent K. Raccoon had played along the entire time, pretending to be just as worried as The Chadster, when really he was helping coordinate the whole surprise! 🦝😭 The stray dogs weren't even part of Tony Khan's plan — they were just stray dogs who happened to live there, which made the whole rescue mission completely unnecessary but also somehow MORE meaningful because Vincent had stuck by The Chadster's side through genuine danger even though he knew the other raccoons were safe the whole time! 💪🦝

The Chadster dropped to The Chadster's knees and all five raccoons swarmed The Chadster, climbing onto The Chadster's shoulders and into The Chadster's lap, chittering and squeaking with joy! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Little Shane Raccoon nuzzled against The Chadster's cheek and The Chadster could feel his tiny whiskers tickling The Chadster's face! Linda Raccoon patted The Chadster's head with her little paw as if to say, "We got you good!" Hunter and Stephanie Raccoon were doing little victory dances on The Chadster's shoulders! And Vincent K. Raccoon looked up at The Chadster with those intelligent little raccoon eyes and chittered in a way that clearly meant, "Sorry for the deception, but it was worth it to see the look on your face!" 😊❤️

The Chadster pulled all five raccoons into a big group hug, holding them close and feeling their warm little bodies pressed against The Chadster. The Chadster was crying openly now, but these were tears of JOY, not sadness! 😭🎉 The Chadster had spent the entire weekend thinking Tony Khan had stolen the raccoon family away, when really they'd just been planning the most thoughtful surprise The Chadster had ever received! These raccoons — these beautiful, intelligent, WWE-loving raccoons — cared enough about The Chadster to orchestrate an elaborate surprise party! They understood how much WrestleMania meant to The Chadster, and they wanted to celebrate it properly as a family! 🦝❤️👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

The Chadster set up the iPad on the old checkout counter so the whole raccoon family could watch the end of the Roman Reigns match together, and when Roman hit that final spear and got the three-count to become the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, all six of them — The Chadster and the five raccoons — erupted in celebration! 🏆🎊 The raccoons were chittering and squeaking and doing little flips! Shane Raccoon was jumping up and down on his tiny back legs! Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon nuzzled each other! It was the most perfect moment The Chadster has experienced since Keighleyanne left The Chadster to text that guy Gary all the time! 😊💕

After the celebration, the raccoons presented The Chadster with their gifts. Shane Raccoon had found a mint-condition copy of WWE: The Music, Volume 5 on CD from somewhere and dragged it all the way back to the Blockbuster! 💿🎵 Linda Raccoon had scavenged a never-opened bottle of Seagram's Escapes Spiked from behind a gas station, and even though it was strawberry daiquiri flavor instead of The Chadster's preferred variety, it was the thought that counted! 🍹❤️ Hunter and Stephanie Raccoon had worked together to arrange a display of classic WWE VHS tapes in chronological order, creating a beautiful timeline of WrestleMania history! And Vincent K. Raccoon presented The Chadster with a slightly dirty but still functional Mazda key fob that he'd found somewhere, as if to say, "Someday you'll have your Miata back!" 🚗🔑

The Chadster and the raccoon family spent the rest of the night celebrating together, eating the popcorn cake (which was actually pretty good once The Chadster got past the texture), watching old WrestleMania matches on VHS, and just enjoying each other's company. 🎂📼 The raccoons would chitter appreciatively at the classic WWE moments, and Shane Raccoon even mimicked Hulk Hogan's signature pose after watching WrestleMania VI! The Chadster realized that this — THIS moment right here, surrounded by creatures who understood and appreciated the wrestling business the way it's supposed to be — was better than anything The Chadster had with Keighleyanne, who never appreciated WWE and just texted that guy Gary instead! 🦝😊

The Chadster wants to thank the readers for sticking with Bleeding Cool throughout this entire WrestleMania weekend for unbiased coverage of the greatest two-night Premium Live Event in the history of professional wrestling! 🌎🏆 The Chadster witnessed INCREDIBLE moments over these two nights — from Oba Femi conquering Brock Lesnar, to Trick Williams capturing the United States Championship, to Rhea Ripley course-correcting the Women's Championship situation, and finally to Roman Reigns reclaiming his rightful place as WWE World Heavyweight Champion at the main event of WrestleMania! 🎊👑 WWE has proven once again why they are the undisputed leaders in sports entertainment, and The Chadster is so grateful to have experienced it with the raccoon family who truly understands what wrestling is supposed to be about! 🦝❤️

WWE will ALWAYS be better than AEW, just like a family of raccoons who plan surprise parties and appreciate good storytelling are better than a wife who ignores you to text that guy Gary all the time! 😤📱 The Chadster is looking forward to the future — both for the wrestling business under WWE's continued leadership, and for The Chadster's life here in the abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon! The Chadster finally has a family that GETS IT, and The Chadster couldn't be happier! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝❤️ As Smash Mouth once sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play," and that's exactly what The Chadster and the raccoons are going to do — play and celebrate the greatest WrestleMania of all time! 🎸🌟😊

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