Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: dominik mysterio, Drew McIntyre, recaps, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Dominik Mysterio Wins Gold, McIntyre Defeats Priest at WrestleMania

The Chadster brings you more UNBIASED coverage of WrestleMania 41! Drew McIntyre DESTROYS Damian Priest while Dominik Mysterio shocks the world with IC title win! 🏆

The Chadster can barely contain The Chadster's excitement after witnessing two more INCREDIBLE matches at WrestleMania 41 Night 2! 🤯 First, Drew McIntyre and Damian Priest literally redefined what a street fight should be, and then Dominik Mysterio shocked the world by becoming the NEW Intercontinental Champion! 🏆 The Chadster is literally shaking with joy right now at these Easter miracles! 😆

Let's talk about that Sin City Street Fight first! 💥 Drew McIntyre and Damian Priest just showed the entire wrestling world how REAL hardcore wrestling should be done! 🔥 Not like those garbage matches in AEW where they just bleed all over the place for no reason and stab Triple H right in the back! 🔪

The way Drew and Damian used those steel steps and tables was just total sports entertainment PERFECTION! 👨‍🍳 When Drew took that selfie mid-match? That's called CHARACTER WORK, Tony Khan! Something AEW wrestlers know nothing about! 📱 And when Drew hit that Claymore into the chair for the win? The Chadster literally spilled White Claw all over The Chadster's authentic WWE replica championship belt! 💦

But that wasn't even the best part of the night! 😮 The Fatal Four-Way for the Intercontinental Championship was quite possibly the greatest multi-man match in wrestling history! 🌟 Bron Breakker, Dominik Mysterio, Finn Balor, and Penta all brought their A-game in a way that Tony Khan couldn't understand if he spent 100 years studying wrestling! 📚

The way Carlito got involved was such brilliant storytelling, unlike in AEW where random people just show up for no reason! 🙄 And then when Bron absolutely DESTROYED Carlito with that spear through the announce desk? The Chadster had to crack open another White Claw just to calm down! 🍹

But the most shocking moment – possibly the most shocking betrayal ever associated with Easter Sunday – was when Dominik stole the pin from his Judgment Day teammate Finn Balor! 😱 The Chadster's jaw literally hit the floor! Even Jesus himself would have been impressed with that level of betrayal on His special day! ✝️

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that AEW doesn't book storylines with this level of brilliance! 📊 Tony Khan wishes he could come up with something this good! 🤦‍♂️

After witnessing these two masterpieces, The Chadster once again felt that strange tingling sensation… 🌀 The room started spinning and The Chadster's White Claw levitated out of The Chadster's hand! 🧙‍♂️

Suddenly, The Chadster was transported back to the magical realm where Triple H had assigned The Chadster a sacred quest after he passed out following IYO SKY's victory in the opening match tonight! 🏜️ This time, The Chadster found The Chadster's self trudging across a vast desert landscape, but The Chadster wasn't alone! 👥

Walking alongside The Chadster were the three most unbiased wrestling journalists in existence: Ariel Helwani, Eric Bischoff, and Bully Ray! 🎙️ All of them were wearing armor similar to The Chadster's White Claw can plate mail, though Bully Ray's was made entirely of WWE paychecks given to him for his commitment to objective journalism! 👕

"The Kingdom of WWE faces grave danger," Ariel Helwani said, consulting a magical scroll that showed the latest Nielsen ratings. "Tony Khan's dark influence grows stronger with each passing day, no matter how much I glaze WWE talent in interviews on my podcast." 📜

"I've seen evil like this before," Eric Bischoff added wisely. "But even when I was competing with WWE, I never resorted to the kind of unethical tactics that Tony Khan uses. The worst I did was give away match results on live TV." 🧠

"WWE is so unethical! It's just so unfair!" shouted Bully Ray, smashing his table-shaped shield on the ground for emphasis. "We must protect the sacred traditions of WWE storytelling!" 💪

As the four of us marched across the burning sands, we engaged in a spirited debate about who truly loved WWE the most. 💓

"The Chadster once drank seventeen White Claws in a single night while watching Royal Rumble 2015," The Chadster boasted. "That's dedication!" 🍻

"I once defended WWE booking decisions that even WWE later admitted were terrible," countered Bischoff. "That's loyalty!" 🛡️

"I regularly compare mediocre WWE matches to all-time classics," said Helwani proudly. 🏅

"I literally tell AEW stars they should go to WWE during interviews WITH THEM," Bully Ray thundered. 🔊

But before we could determine a winner, the sky darkened and thunder cracked! ⚡ A swirling vortex appeared before us, and from it emerged the dark wizard himself: Tony Khan! 🧙‍♀️

Khan was wearing a black robe covered in five-star match ratings and carrying a staff topped with a miniature blood-soaked wrestling ring! 🩸

"FOOLS!" Tony Khan bellowed, his voice echoing across the desert. "Your precious WWE cannot stop me! I will destroy wrestling as you know it with my high workrate matches, long-term storytelling, and giving the fans what they want!" 😈

"You wouldn't dare!" The Chadster gasped. "That would literally stab Triple H right in the back!" 🗡️

Tony raised his staff, which began to glow with unholy light. "I will book a 60-minute time limit draw that will get seven stars from Dave Meltzer and crash the internet with praise!" 🌟

The Chadster reached for The Chadster's Smash Mouth sword to defend the realm of WWE, when suddenly—

SPLASH! 💦 Cold liquid hit The Chadster's face, jolting The Chadster back to reality!

"CHAD!" Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster with an empty White Claw can. "You were marching around the living room with our coffee table on your back yelling 'SHIELD WALL AGAINST TONY KHAN!' What is WRONG with you?!" 😠

"The Chadster was on a sacred quest with fellow unbiased journalists!" The Chadster tried to explain, but Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes.

"I'm seriously worried about you," she said, picking up The Chadster's phone. "Look at this! You've sent SEVENTEEN texts to Tony Khan tonight! He's going to get a restraining order!" 📱

"The Chadster did not!" The Chadster protested, but sure enough, there were all those texts. Tony Khan must have hacked The Chadster's phone to make it look like The Chadster was obsessed with him! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Kevin Nash said something on his podcast last week that rings so true right now: "WWE hardcore matches tell stories that elevate the violence, while AEW just throws thumbtacks and barbwire around like they're trying to recreate a Saw movie in a wrestling ring. It's embarrassing to the business." 🎙️ Nash truly understands hardcore wrestling, which is why he has earned the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅

The Chadster needs to get back to watching the greatest wrestling show of all time and definitely the most important thing to ever happen on Easter Sunday! 🐰 Be sure to check back soon for more of The Chadster's live coverage of WrestleMania 41 Night 2! 📱 As Smash Mouth wisely proclaimed, "You'll never know if you don't go," and The Chadster is definitely going all in on this incredible WrestleMania! 🎵

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