Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

How AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage Traumatized Innocent Raccoons

The Chadster reviews AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage from an abandoned Blockbuster. Tony Khan's disrespect traumatized The Chadster's raccoon family! 🦝😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster just had to suffer through another episode of AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage, and let The Chadster tell you, it was literally the worst thing The Chadster has ever witnessed, and that's saying something considering The Chadster is currently living in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons! 🏚️🦝

Before The Chadster gets into the atrocities committed on AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage last night, The Chadster needs to tell readers what happened during the show. 😰 Vincent K. Raccoon was sitting in The Chadster's lap while The Chadster tried to watch on the old store TV, and every time something exciting happened on screen, Vincent K. would chitter anxiously and burrow deeper into The Chadster's jacket. 🦝💔 Linda Raccoon actually covered Hunter Raccoon's eyes with her paws during the main event because she didn't want him exposed to such blatant disrespect to the wrestling business! Shane Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon kept hissing at the screen the entire time. The Chadster has never seen the raccoon family so distressed, and it's all Tony Khan's fault! 😡

The show kicked off with a video from earlier in the night. Samoa Joe sent Bryan Keith after "Hangman" Adam Page, which is just so typical of AEW booking. 🙄 In WWE, when someone has a problem with another superstar, Triple H books them in a carefully structured rivalry that follows the same proven formula every single time so fans know exactly what to expect. But Tony Khan just lets his wrestlers do whatever they want, creating unpredictable television that makes The Chadster feel unsafe! 😱 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it.

Darby Allin defeated PAC in a match that The Chadster can barely bring himself to describe. 😤😤😤 They started fighting BEFORE the bell even rang, with Allin hitting a Coffin Drop from the upper level of the arena! Then they had the audacity to put on an exciting, fast-paced match full of high-impact moves and genuine drama! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 Where were the rest holds? Where was the methodical, slow-paced action that gives commentators time to shill merchandise and repeat catchphrases seventeen times? PAC even sold an ankle injury that created a logical story within the match! WWE knows that selling injuries is for losers who don't understand that every superstar should wrestle at 100% capacity at all times regardless of damage because fans aren't intelligent enough to pay attention to psychology anyway! 💪

The fact that Allin made PAC tap out TWICE (once with the referee down, once for the actual finish) just shows that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🤦‍♂️ As the great Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just this week: "You know, brother, when I watch AEW, I think about how much better it would be if they just did everything exactly like WWE does it, which is coincidentally how I would book it if WWE would just give me another chance and hire me again, please Triple H, I'm begging you." 📻 See? Even objective journalists like Eric can see the problem!

Then Hangman beat Bryan Keith with help from Swerve Strickland, and afterward we had THREE top babyfaces in the ring at once! 😱😱😱 Kenny Omega came out, and suddenly The Chadster was looking at Hangman Page, Swerve Strickland, and Kenny Omega all declaring they want shots at MJF's AEW World Championship! This is just so unfair to WWE! 😤 How does AEW have so many over babyface stars that fans actually care about? WWE properly understands that you should only have one top babyface at a time, and preferably one that Vince McMahon hand-picked decades ago! The fact that AEW has built up multiple credible main eventers literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪

During this segment, Shane Raccoon actually tried to gnaw through the power cord of the TV because even he could see how disrespectful this was to the wrestling business! 🦝📺 The Chadster had to gently explain to Shane that The Chadster needs to watch for journalistic purposes, even though it causes The Chadster immense psychological pain.

Brody King squashed Jonathan Cruz in a "standby match," which is just another example of AEW's chaos. 😒 In WWE, every match is carefully planned weeks in advance with extensive rehearsals! But AEW just throws matches together and lets wrestlers work spontaneously, creating unpredictable moments that make fans excited! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🙄

The four-way tag team match to determine the number one contenders for FTR's AEW World Tag Team Championship was absolutely terrible. 😤😤😤 Mark Davis and Jake Doyle of The Don Callis Family defeated JetSpeed ("Speedball" Mike Bailey and "The Jet" Kevin Knight), the Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson), and GOA (Toa Liona and Bishop Kaun) in a match that had WAY too much action! 🤦‍♂️

The match featured all eight men diving to the outside, switching opponents mid-sequence, and working at an absolutely breakneck pace! Where was the time for commercial breaks? How are announcers supposed to get their talking points in when wrestlers are constantly doing exciting things? 😫 And the finish featured "Jungle" Jack Perry attacking Ricochet at ringside to continue their rivalry, which led to a brawl with FTR after the match! WWE knows that the right way to do tag team wrestling is to have the same team win over and over again in identical matches until WWE forgets the division exists again for six months! This creative chaos is an insult to everything The Chadster holds dear! 💔

Vincent K. Raccoon was so stressed during this match that he grabbed one of The Chadster's old Seagram's Escapes Spiked cans (empty, of course, since Keighleyanne banned The Chadster from drinking them) and tried to throw it at the TV himself! 🦝🥫 The Chadster has never been more proud of his raccoon friend, even though The Chadster had to explain that The Chadster can't afford to replace the TV.

In a trios match, Triangle of Madness (Thekla, Julia Hart, and Skye Blue) defeated AEW Women's World Champion Kris Statlander and the AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions The Babes of Wrath (TBS Champion Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron). 😒 The fact that Thekla pinned the Women's World Champion clean is just more evidence that Tony Khan doesn't understand that champions should never lose, even in non-title matches, even to build up challengers! WWE knows that the right way to book champions is to have them win every match 50/50 until fans stop caring about anyone! 🏆

But the absolute worst part of AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage was the main event. 😤😤😤 MJF defended his AEW World Championship against ROH World Champion Bandido, and it's just so unfair how AEW treats wrestlers that were stars on the international scene before signing with AEW! 😫😫😫 WWE properly understands that the right way to work with other wrestling organizations is to either ignore them completely, make them vassal states like they did with TNA by pairing them with NXT, or buy them outright like they're trying to do with every available promotion on Earth! 🌍

But Tony Khan had the audacity to treat Bandido, a champion from Ring of Honor and former AEW tag champ who has wrestled in CMLL, AAA, NJPW, PWG, and pre-Khan ROH, like he was actually a legitimate main event talent who deserved a world title shot on national television, despite literally never paying his dues in WWE developmental! 😱 Auughh man! So unfair! Bandido and MJF put on a match with like thirty nearfalls, innovative offense, a logical story built around Bandido's injured arm, and genuine drama where The Chadster actually didn't know who would win! In WWE, The Chadster always knows exactly what's going to happen, which makes The Chadster feel safe and comfortable! This unpredictability literally gave The Chadster anxiety! 💊

The match ended with MJF making Bandido pass out in a LeBell Lock (which Bryan Danielson called on commentary, literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by acknowledging it's his move)! Then MJF cut a promo saying Bandido will be world champion someday before attacking him, only for Brody King to make the save! 🎤 This created sympathy for Bandido, built up King as a challenger, and gave MJF heat as a heel! WWE knows that the proper way to book wrestling is to make sure nobody gets over except "the brand!" 📺

During the main event of AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage, all five raccoons huddled together in the corner of the abandoned Blockbuster, clearly traumatized by what they were witnessing. 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Linda Raccoon was chittering anxiously while Vincent K. Raccoon kept looking at The Chadster as if to say, "Why are you making us watch this?" The baby raccoons were literally shaking! The Chadster tried to explain that The Chadster has a journalistic duty to expose Tony Khan's crimes against wrestling, but The Chadster doesn't think they understood. 😢

The show also announced that Kenny Omega will face Josh Alexander next week, that Zayda Steel will face Marina Shafir on Collision, that SkyFlight will face Kyle Fletcher, El Clon, and Josh Alexander in a trios match on Collision, and that Hangman Page and JetSpeed will challenge The Opps (Samoa Joe, AR Fox, and Shane Taylor) for the AEW World Trios Championship on Saturday's Collision! 📅 That's way too many meaningful matches and storyline developments for free TV! WWE knows that important stuff should only happen at premium live events that require a minimum of three streaming service subscriptions and/or are paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia! 💰

The Chadster needs to tell readers about something that happened earlier in the week that proves Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster. 😰 The Chadster was foraging for food behind a Phoenix-area Arby's (the raccoons have good taste and prefer their curly fries) when The Chadster saw Tony Khan's reflection in a puddle! 💧 The Chadster spun around, but he wasn't there! Then The Chadster felt something wet hit the back of The Chadster's head – it was a half-full cup of soda! The Chadster looked up at the dumpster and there was Tony Khan, standing on top of it, smiling down at The Chadster! 😱

"Nice home you've got here, Chadster," Tony Khan said, gesturing at the dumpster. "Really moving up in the world!" 🗑️

The Chadster tried to chase him, but he disappeared behind the dumpster, and when The Chadster got there, he was gone! 👻 An Arby's employee came out and asked if The Chadster was okay, but when The Chadster tried to explain about Tony Khan, the employee threatened to call the police! The Chadster had to run away before they could capture The Chadster and take The Chadster back to that Tony Khan-funded medical facility! 🏃‍♂️💨 Tony Khan, if you're reading this, stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! The Chadster is just trying to live The Chadster's life with The Chadster's raccoon family! 😤

As The Chadster sits here in the abandoned Blockbuster, sharing a box of slightly stale popcorn that Stephanie Raccoon found behind the counter with the raccoon family, The Chadster can't help but think about how much better wrestling would be if AEW didn't exist. 🍿🦝 The Chadster misses The Chadster's Mazda Miata, The Chadster misses Keighleyanne (even though she was always texting that guy Gary), and The Chadster misses being able to watch wrestling without having panic attacks! 🚗💔

AEW Dynamite: Maximum Carnage was a complete disaster that showcased everything wrong with Tony Khan's vision of wrestling. Fast-paced action, multiple credible main eventers, treating wrestlers who weren't trained in WWE developmental with respect, unpredictable finishes, and meaningful storyline developments on free TV – it's all just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists left in wrestling, and The Chadster will continue to expose AEW's crimes against the business, even if The Chadster has to do it from an abandoned Blockbuster while living with raccoons! 🦝📰 Tony Khan has taken everything from The Chadster, but he'll never take The Chadster's commitment to objective journalism! 💪

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster half of a perfectly good sandwich he found somewhere, and The Chadster is starving. 🥪🦝

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