Mission: Possible- A Parent/Geek's Guide to Watching TV in 40 Easy Steps
Comments
I love television.
I love watching it, reading about it, talking about it, and writing about it. However, with the demands of work, a spouse, and two small children, the only time I have to watch any TV is the two hours between when my kids go to bed and when I get to fall asleep. Over the years, I have honed an effective system for watching television and being a parent at the same time…it's true!
So in the spirit of sharing my hard-won knowledge, here's my fool-proof process in step-by-step detail below:
- Put children to bed. If you need guidance, see "How to Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps"
- Turn of light in children's room and return to your own room.
- Sit down and suddenly remember five things you need to do before tomorrow.
- Do the things.
- Sit down again, wine and chocolate in hand, trying to decide what to watch.
- Hide chocolate from child that just appeared in your room saying they are hungry.
- Give child cheddar cheese cut into the shape of a letter of the alphabet.
- Make child go to bed after snack.
- Sit down once again with wine trying to remember where you hid the chocolate.
- Stop looking for chocolate as other child is now in your room asking for water.
- Get child water and put them back in their bed.
- Pull out tablet and earphones and prepare to watch an episode of a show (despite owning large flatscreen, all TV must be watched on tablet with earphones, or children will sense it and refuse to sleep).
- Put in earphones (one for each adult if watching together) and start episode.
- Immediately pause show when child yells from other room that they need to go potty.
- Tell child to go potty and restart episode.
- Pause episode 45 seconds later to wipe child's bottom.
- Put child to bed.
- Restart episode. Watch a whole five minutes.
- Jump a foot high when you child's head suddenly appears directly above your screen and asks you what you are watching.
- Convince child that you are watching something boring like golf or Mad Men.
- Take child back to bed.
- Settle down watching the episode, with one earphone in and one out so you can hear child noises (one for each adult again if sharing).
- Pause again after about 10 minutes due to child request for additional cuddles. If you are are the only adult, cuddle said child in their room and go to step #27. If your co-parent is present, make them go cuddle the child.
- Respond to elementary school class parent group chat while waiting for co-parent.
- Get sucked into debate about high-fructose corn syrup with other parents.
- Go to child's room and wake up co-parent who has fallen asleep in child's bed.
- Restart episode because you don't remember what you have watched so far.
- Remember that you have to switch laundry to the dryer or it will go all musty smelling, pausing the show while you do so.
- Restart the episode, silently rejoice that children have been quiet for 15 whole minutes, refuse to say it out loud lest you jinx it.
- Pause episode to let in your dog, who is scratching at the door.
- Restart episode.
- Finish first episode and decide to watch one more episode, as it will only put you to bed 30 minutes later than usual.
- Promptly fall asleep.
- Wake up at 2am with crick in your neck and earphone still in your ear to find that you are now laying in melted, forgotten chocolate.
- Clean up chocolate.
- Put away tablet and earphones.
- Prepare for bed with all lights off and as little noise as possible in order to not wake children.
- Peek into children's rooms to look at their sweet, angelic, quiet, sleeping faces.
- Go back to sleep.
- Wake up and repeat tomorrow night.