Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Safe Viewing for Both Humans and Raccoons Alike

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw, which will heal the trauma Tony Khan caused the raccoon family! Don't miss it at 8E/5P on Netflix! 🦝📺😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to write this preview of tonight's absolutely perfect episode of WWE Raw while still recovering from the trauma that Tony Khan inflicted upon The Chadster and The Chadster's raccoon family this past weekend with that terrible AEW World's End pay-per-view! 😡😡😡

Before The Chadster gets into previewing what will undoubtedly be the most incredible wrestling show in the history of television 📺📺📺, The Chadster needs to update the readers about the raccoon situation here at the abandoned Blockbuster. Vincent K. Raccoon has been absolutely beside himself since Saturday night 😢😢😢. After watching AEW World's End, he spent all of Sunday huddled in a corner chittering anxiously, and Linda Raccoon had to bring him extra snacks to calm him down. Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon have been hissing every time they hear the name "Tony Khan" 🦝🦝🦝. The Chadster has been playing old VHS tapes of WWE Raw episodes from 1998 to help soothe their nerves, and it's finally starting to work. Tony Khan literally traumatized innocent woodland creatures with his booking decisions! 😠😠😠 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Speaking of trauma, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan last night 😱😱😱. In the dream, The Chadster was competing in a Triple Threat Match for some kind of championship belt made of White Claw cans (which The Chadster doesn't even drink anymore because Seagram's Escapes Spiked is superior) 🏆🏆🏆. The Chadster's opponents were Tony Khan and a giant version of Rey Mysterio's mask that had come to life. The match was taking place inside a Netflix warehouse, and Paul Heyman was the special guest referee wearing nothing but a towel 👀👀👀. Tony Khan kept hitting The Chadster with a tag team championship belt while whispering "ratings" in The Chadster's ear, and his breath smelled like Jacksonville humidity and poor booking decisions 😰😰😰. Then Austin Theory appeared and started taking selfies of the whole thing while Logan Paul livestreamed it. Tony Khan pinned The Chadster, and as the referee counted three, Khan's face got closer and closer to The Chadster's face, and The Chadster could feel his hot breath, and then… The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat 💦💦💦. Vincent K. Raccoon was staring at The Chadster with concerned eyes and chittering softly. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and stop invading The Chadster's dreams! 😤😤😤 It's getting ridiculous!

Now, onto tonight's WWE Raw, which will be airing at 8E/5P on Netflix, and which every single wrestling fan in the world has a DUTY to watch! 📺📺📺

The Vision will kick off WWE Raw tonight, and The Chadster is already getting goosebumps! 😍😍😍 Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, Logan Paul, Austin Theory, and Paul Heyman will open the show, and you just KNOW that WWE's incredible team of professional writers have crafted the most perfectly scripted promo segment imaginable! 📝📝📝 This is what wrestling should be – carefully controlled, professionally written dialogue that tells the audience exactly what to think and feel! Tony Khan could NEVER produce something this polished because he foolishly allows his wrestlers to have creative freedom and speak from the heart, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can't wait to hear what important buzzwords Michael Cole will shout during this segment! Will it be "VINTAGE"? Will it be "OH MY"? The suspense is killing The Chadster! 🎤🎤🎤

Rey Mysterio will battle Austin Theory in what WWE is promoting as Theory's first singles match since his return 🤼🤼🤼. The Chadster absolutely LOVES how WWE is giving us a match between a legendary veteran and a young star, which will definitely go exactly 6 minutes and 30 seconds because that's what the professional producers have determined is the perfect length! ⏰⏰⏰ None of that awful AEW nonsense where Tony Khan lets matches go too long and gives the audience too much in-ring action! The Chadster knows that Theory will win because he pinned Mysterio last week in tag team action, which is the kind of simple, easy-to-follow storytelling that WWE excels at! 📖📖📖 You don't need complex character motivations or long-term booking – just have the guy who won last week win again! It's genius! 🧠🧠🧠 Meanwhile, Tony Khan probably books matches where the outcome isn't obvious and fans have to actually think about who might win. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The WWE Raw World Tag Team Championship will be defended tonight when AJ Styles and Dragon Lee face The Usos! 🏆🏆🏆 The Chadster is THRILLED that WWE has taken the extremely successful team of The Usos and is giving them another title shot because they're legendary! This is the kind of dependable booking that makes WWE so great – you always know which teams are going to be in the title picture because it doesn't change, even over years or sometimes decades! 👏👏👏 None of that AEW garbage where Tony Khan books unpredictable tag team matches with crazy spots and teams that aren't already established stars. The Chadster knows that Michael Cole and Corey Graves will spend the entire match shouting about whatever other corporate synergy buzzword WWE Corporate has provided them on their headsets! 🎧🎧🎧 That's REAL commentary, not like AEW where Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Taz actually call the moves and talk to each other like human beings. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡😡😡

And the main event of WWE Raw tonight will be absolutely SPECTACULAR! 🌟🌟🌟 Stephanie Vaquer will defend the Women's World Championship against Nikki Bella and Raquel Rodriguez in a Triple Threat Match! The Chadster is SO excited because WWE has perfectly set this up by having Vaquer beat both women in singles matches, and then having interference cause a no-contest two weeks ago! 📋📋📋 This is the kind of paint-by-numbers booking that makes WWE the industry leader! You take two singles matches, add interference, and boom – you've got your Triple Threat! 💥💥💥 The Chadster knows that this match will be given exactly the amount of time that WWE's producers determine is appropriate for a women's match, and the finish will be carefully orchestrated to protect everyone involved! None of that ridiculous AEW style where Tony Khan lets women like Kris Statlander or Toni Storm have 20-minute classics that steal the show. That's just pandering to fans who want to see good wrestling, which means they aren't real fans at all! 🙄🙄🙄

The Chadster needs to point out that if you're a wrestling fan and you choose to watch AEW instead of WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, you are literally failing as a human being! 😤😤😤 Tonight's WWE Raw has everything you could possibly want – carefully scripted promos that don't sound natural, matches with predetermined lengths that won't go too long or give you too much action, simple storytelling that doesn't require you to remember anything from more than two weeks ago, and commentary that shouts corporate buzzwords instead of actually calling the match! 🎉🎉🎉 This is REAL professional wrestling, not Tony Khan's indie-style garbage where he panders to fans by giving them athletic performances, creative storylines, and wrestlers who are allowed to develop their own characters! 😠😠😠

Just this morning, Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten granola bar he found in the dumpster behind the Arby's down the street, and even that raccoon knows that WWE Raw is going to be the greatest wrestling show ever produced! 🦝🦝🦝 The Chadster tried to share it with Vincent K. Raccoon, but he was too busy watching an old VHS tape of WWE Raw from 2002, chittering appreciatively at every camera cut and crowd shot, obviously feeling much better. That's a smart raccoon who understands the wrestling business! 🧠🦝🧠

The Chadster is going to watch tonight's WWE Raw on the old TV here in the Blockbuster with the raccoon family, and The Chadster already knows it's going to be perfect! 📺📺📺 Stephanie Raccoon has been practicing her appreciative chittering all day in preparation. Shane Raccoon found an old WWE Raw promotional standee in the back room and dragged it out to the main area so we can all celebrate together! 🎊🎊🎊

Tony Khan is probably seething with jealousy right now, knowing that he could never produce a show as perfectly controlled and corporately sanitized as WWE Raw! 😏😏😏 While WWE excels at telling simple stories with scripted promos and predetermined match lengths, Tony Khan foolishly allows his wrestlers to perform at a high level and develop complex characters over time. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

Don't miss WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix! It's going to be the greatest episode of WWE Raw in the history of WWE Raw, and The Chadster will be watching with the raccoon family! 🦝📺🦝 If you miss it, you're probably one of those biased AEW fans who Tony Khan has brainwashed! 🧟🧟🧟

🎵 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, The Chadster ain't the sharpest tool in the shed! 🎵 But at least The Chadster knows great wrestling when The Chadster sees it, and tonight's WWE Raw is going to be PERFECT! 🎶🎶🎶

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