Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Bloodline Drama and Tournament Qualifiers

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE Raw from his luxury screening room! Bloodline drama, tournament action, and Eric André gets splashed!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private screening room where the champagne fountain is still flowing and Esteban is passed out on his velvet cushion after what can only be described as a magnificent episode of WWE Raw! Last night's show from Baltimore was more action-packed than the time I had to escape a CIA black ops team using only a jet ski and my natural charisma!

Roman Reigns Officially Welcomes Jacob Fatu Into The Bloodline

Roman Reigns opened WWE Raw by bringing Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, and Jacob Fatu to the ring for what I can only describe as the most elaborate employee onboarding process since I made my Minister of Tourism complete a trust fall exercise off my presidential balcony! Jey questioned whether Fatu would follow The Usos' orders, but Fatu made it clear he only acknowledges The Tribal Chief himself. Smart man! I use the same principle with my cabinet – they answer only to me, not to each other. It prevents awkward power struggles and reduces the number of mysterious "accidents" involving my officials.

Reigns then presented Fatu with his very own Ula Fala, which is basically the Polynesian equivalent of giving someone the keys to the executive bathroom. This was a beautiful moment, comrades, until Eric André decided to touch the sacred lei like a tourist fondling artifacts at a museum! Fatu responded by attacking André with the fury of a thousand revolutionaries, and when Adam Pearce tried to intervene, Reigns ordered Fatu to continue! Two top-rope splashes later, and poor André learned a valuable lesson about respecting other people's ceremonial necklaces. I once made a similar mistake touching Fidel Castro's favorite cigar humidor – I still have the scar!

The Bloodline operating as a well-oiled machine of destruction reminds me of my own organizational structure. You need loyalty, you need hierarchy, and occasionally you need someone willing to splash a talk show host on command. ¡Perfecto!

IYO SKY vs. Raquel Rodriguez — Queen of the Ring Semifinal

The Genius of the Sky, IYO SKY, faced the towering Raquel Rodriguez in the Queen of the Ring semifinal, and comrades, this was a masterclass in David versus Goliath storytelling! IYO defeated Rodriguez with her Over the Moonsault, proving once again that brains and agility can triumph over raw power. This is the same strategy I used when outsmarting the CIA's assassination attempt involving the poisoned caviar at the G20 summit in 2018!

Interestingly, The Judgment Day did not accompany Rodriguez to ringside, which is like going into battle without your secret police force. A critical tactical error, comrades! IYO capitalized on this and advanced to the Queen of the Ring Final. She is truly seizing the means of production in the women's division! The bourgeoisie capitalist pigs running WWE should give her a bonus, though knowing Nick Khan and his ilk, they will probably just give her a commemorative plaque.

Liv Morgan Seeks Danhausen's Dark Arts

After Rodriguez's loss, Liv Morgan approached Danhausen backstage and asked him to curse Oba Femi! This reminds me of the time I hired a shaman to curse the CIA director, though in my case, I actually paid the man properly! Danhausen demanded "human monies" and other favors, which is reasonable compensation for supernatural services. Liv left empty-handed, which means she will have to rely on good old-fashioned interference instead of mystical intervention.

I once consulted with a witch doctor before my re-election campaign in 2015, and while the curse may not have worked on my opponents, the psychological warfare aspect was invaluable!

Chad Gable vs. Rusev

Chad Gable continued his redemption tour by facing Rusev, The Bulgarian Brute, in a stiff encounter that had more intensity than my weekly cabinet meetings! Gable fought off interference from Ethan Page and defeated Rusev with an ankle lock submission. This is beautiful storytelling, comrades – a man seeking to make amends for his past sins by defending those he once wronged!

Of course, Page and Rusev attacked Gable after the match because capitalist pigs never fight fair. Fortunately, Rey Mysterio and Dragon Lee made the save, creating an unlikely alliance. This reminds me of the time I had to team up with my former rival, the dictator of the neighboring country, to fight off a mutual CIA-backed insurgency. We celebrated our victory with mojitos and karaoke!

LA Knight and The Bloodline Drama

LA Knight came to WWE Raw looking for answers about The Bloodline's interference in his King of the Ring loss, which is completely justified! The man wants accountability, something I deeply respect even though I personally never answer to anyone except occasionally the United Nations when they get particularly annoying.

Jimmy Uso tried to play diplomat, but Jey Uso decided to be confrontational instead. The two brawled until Jimmy superkicked Knight, though he tried to stop Jey from using a chair. This internal conflict within The Bloodline is fascinating! Jimmy wants peace, Jey wants respect, and Jacob Fatu just wants to choke people with the Tongan Death Grip, which he applied to Knight to end the segment!

This factional infighting reminds me of the time my Minister of War and Minister of Peace got into a physical altercation at a state dinner. I resolved it by firing them both and creating a new Ministry of Peaceful Warfare. Problem solved!

Charlotte Flair vs. Roxanne Perez

Charlotte Flair, the 14-time Women's Champion, defeated Roxanne Perez by submission with the Figure-Eight while Alexa Bliss neutralized Liv Morgan's interference attempts. This was smart strategy from Charlotte – bring backup to counter the opponent's backup! I use the same tactic during international negotiations, always bringing more bodyguards than the other party.

Charlotte made Perez tap out, sending a message before her Queen of the Ring semifinal against Morgan on SmackDown. The submission victory was more dominant than the time I defeated the CIA's chess champion in a televised match (he may have been poisoned with a mild sedative beforehand, but that's neither here nor there).

Je'Von Evans Rejects The Vision

Je'Von Evans showed tremendous courage by rejecting Logan Paul and Austin Theory's recruitment attempt for The Vision! The young revolutionary refused to sell out to the capitalist influencer and his lackey, instead revealing he was already in his ring gear and demanding an impromptu match with Theory. This is the spirit of independence we need, comrades!

I once rejected a similar offer from a multinational corporation that wanted to turn my country into a tax haven. I responded by nationalizing their assets and using the proceeds to build a water park. Evans should consider similar tactics!

https://www.wwe.com/videos/je-von-evans-rejects-logan-paul-s-offer-to-join-the-vison-raw-highlights-june-15-2026

Je'Von Evans vs. Austin Theory

Evans defeated Theory by disqualification after Bron Breakker interfered, leading to a post-match beatdown that was only stopped when The Street Profits returned with Angelo Dawkins rejoining Montez Ford! The Street Profits are back together, comrades, which is more exciting than the time I reunited my estranged twin brother with the family business (he had been working undercover for Interpol, very awkward).

This sets up The Vision defending the World Tag Team Championship against The Street Profits next week on WWE Raw, and I cannot wait! The workers are rising up to challenge the bourgeoisie celebrity class!

Oba Femi vs. Dominik Mysterio — King of the Ring Semifinal

Oba Femi dominated Dominik Mysterio in the main event of WWE Raw, defeating Dirty Dom with Fall From Grace despite interference attempts from JD McDonagh! The Ruler has advanced to the King of the Ring Final, and his post-match message to Brock Lesnar was more threatening than my annual address to the CIA!

Oba declared that Lesnar would have to admit he is a mountain that cannot be conquered. This confidence reminds me of my own unshakeable belief in my superiority over international intelligence agencies! Liv Morgan's failure to secure Danhausen's curse clearly did not matter – Oba Femi is unstoppable through conventional and supernatural means!

Final Thoughts

Comrades, last night's WWE Raw was more entertaining than the time Kim Jong-un and I hosted a doubles tennis tournament against two CIA agents who had infiltrated our resort as tourists! The show advanced both tournament brackets, continued The Bloodline's fascinating internal dynamics, reunited The Street Profits, and set up several compelling matches for next week's Raw and the upcoming Night of Champions pay-per-view.

The announcement of Seth Rollins versus Bron Breakker in a steel cage match at Night of Champions has me more excited than when I discovered my palace's secret wine cellar had been restocked! And next week on WWE Raw, we will see The Street Profits challenge The Vision for the World Tag Team Championship, plus Brie Bella and Paige defending the WWE Women's Tag Team Championship against Bayley and Lyra Valkyria!

Esteban and I will be watching from our luxury suite with fresh capybara treats and an assortment of confiscated CIA surveillance equipment that makes excellent decoration.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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