Butthurt Mayor Kane Grapples With Parler Ban

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from Mike Pence's house, where I have managed to sneak in by pretending to be a bible salesman and am now attempting to hypnotize the Vice President into invoking the 25th Amendment. What would Jesus do, Mikey? Haw haw haw haw! But I am taking time out from this important duty to tell you about the latest tweets by Mayor Kane.

WWE Superstar turned Libertarian Knox County Mayor Kane unleashed hellfire and brimstone on social media services for banning WWE Hall-of-Famer President Donald Trump from the platform after Trump incited a crowd of violent idiots to storm the U.S. Capitol and assault and murder police officers in an attempt to overthrow the U.S. government and overturn the results of the presidential election, which Trump lost badly. Mayor Kane became further aggrieved after right-wing social media company parlor found itself banned from Amazon's servers with no legitimate businesses willing to work with them due to their role in allowing users to coordinate the attack on the Capitol and potential future attacks.

WWE Superstar Kane is the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee... seriously!
WWE Superstar Kane is the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee… seriously!

The day after the attacks, Mayor Kane released the following statement, drawing parallels between Black Lives Matter protests last Summer and an insurrection ordered by the president himself:

Like other Americans, I was appalled and disgusted at the images coming out of the Capitol yesterday. In a constitutional republic, differences are settled with intellectual debate, not violence. We have just lived through a summer of the worst riots and civil unrest in a generation. Sadly, the issue isn't confined only to hometown streets, but has permeated our society and even extended to hallowed institutions as illustrated by two members of the United States House of Representatives nearly coming to blows on the chamber floor early Thursday morning. Everywhere we turn, we see frustration, anger, divisiveness, political opportunism, and resentment. To overcome that and move forward, we are going to have to learn to listen to one another, to respect one another, to work together when we can, and to agree to peacefully disagree when we can't. There simply is no other way. I believe this has to start with each of us as individuals and within our local communities.

Soon after, Mayor Kane took to Twitter to share an article from the Federalist that makes the case that, actually, it's the media and science that are the liars and that's the real reason Trump supporters literally have no other choice than to believe Trump's crude and obvious lies and then act on them by committing acts of sedition, adding, "Great analysis of where we really are."

But Mayor Kane's concerned handwringing over divisiveness soon fell by the wayside when Kane discovered the real victims in all of this: conservatives being unable to arrange riots on social media after President Trump was banned from most social media platforms. "My username on Parler is GlennJacobs," Mayor Kane said, responding to and agreeing with a post about "digital overlords" controlling "free expression." He added, "Follow me there." Unfortunately, Parler was shut down the next day, leaving the Big Red Machine with no other recourse but to retweet and agree with posts claiming that liberals are the real violent insurrectionists.

Will Mayor Kane discover Gab next and start an account there? How will he react if that site gets taken down? Perhaps he will electrocute someone's testicles in retribution? El Presidente will always keep you informed on the latest wrestling news. Until next time: socialism or death!

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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