Edge Wins the Royal Rumble from #1 Starting Position

Greetings, comrades! So what did you think of that Stadium Stampede match? ¡Ay Dios mio! They rip off everything! Haw haw haw haw haw! But now, my friends, it is time for the men's Royal Rumble match! Let's wrap up this PPV, comrades!

Match graphic for the mens Royal Rumble match.
Match graphic for the men's Royal Rumble match.

WWE Royal Rumble Results Part 5

This is it, comrades.

Men's Royal Rumble Match (Entries in greeneliminations in red.)

Edge (1) and Randy Orton (2) start things off, with Edge charging up the ramp to attack Orton during his entrance. My friends, it's a miracle! Orton's face is completely healed from the burns that forced him to wear a mask for the last several weeks. They brawl everywhere, but the ring until Sami Zayn (3) comes down, at which point the match moves to the ring, and Zayn teams up with Orton. Mustafa Ali (4) is out fourth, and he reluctantly decides to team up with Orton and Zayn.

Jeff Hardy (5) is out fifth and, finally, someone who doesn't hate Edge (that much). Hardy takes on the heels, but Orton takes him down. Sami Zayn unwisely yells at Orton, and he too gets an RKO. Then Ali gets one. Then Orton gets a spear from Edge. Edge and Orton once again brawl outside the ring. Dolph Ziggler (6) is out next. Edge assaults Orton with a steel chair at ringside as Ziggler sneaks in the ring and eliminates Jeff Hardy (1). Zayn, Ziggler, and Ali team up on Edge, but Shinsuke Nakamura (7) is out to (sort of) even the odds.

Hey, it's Carlito (8)! Carlito may be middle-aged, but he is still cool. He brings an apple to the ring with him. Nakamura tries to eat it, but he heats a backstabber instead. Meanwhile, Orton is being helped out of the Thunderdome by referees so that he can come back as a "surprise" later. Xavier Woods (9) is out next. And Big E (10) after that. The New Day team up on Sami Zayn. Big E and Xavier Woods eliminate Sami Zayn (2), only the second of the Men's Royal Rumble match so far.

John Morrison (11) is out at number ten. Mustafa Ali eliminates Xavier Woods (3). Big E eliminates Mustafa Ali (4). Ricochet (12) is out next. He hits a few big moves on Edge but then settles into the time-killing routine with everyone else as they await the next big spot. Elias (13) is the next entrant. Elias eliminates Carlito (5), which is not cool. Damian Priest (14) is out at number fourteen. Priest eliminates Elias (6).

The Miz (15) is next as the men's Royal Rumble is about halfway done. He stops to break Bad Bunny's DJ setup at the top of the stage for no reason. Miz and Morrison waste no time teaming up. They take down Ricochet and then Ziggler, but then Bad Bunny comes out, fixing to get in the ring and go after Miz. Refs hold them off, and while Miz (7) and Morrison (8) are distracted, Priest eliminates both of them. Bad Bunny hits a splash on them off the top rope to the floor, and comrades, he is way better at it than Snoop Dogg.

Riddle (16) is out at number sixteen. Daniel Bryan (17) is number seventeen. Kane (18) is number eighteen. In protest of oppressive government shutdowns, comrades, Kane wears a mask where only his nose and mouth are exposed. Kane eliminates Ziggler (9) and Ricochet (10). Bryan wants the hug from Kane. Kane gives it to him. Then he chokeslams him. But Damian Preise eliminates Kane (11)Baron Corbin (19) is out next, and he eliminates Nakamura (12).

Otis (20) comes out next. Otis (14) hits a caterpillar on Priest but gets eliminated by Corbin when he tries to climb the ropes. Dominik Mysterio (21) is out next at number twenty-one, and he eliminates Corbin (15) with a body scissors. Bobby Lashley (22) is out next, and he takes out Dominik Mysterio (15), then Priest (16). Lashley and Big E go at it.

The Hurricane (23) is out at number twenty-three. He tries to double-chokeslam Lashley and Big E, but they no-sell it and toss Hurricane (17) right out onto his ass. Christian (24) is out next. Edge looks happy to see a friend. Christian assists in the elimination of Lashley (18) without getting into the ring. He hits the Unprettier on Big E and comes face to face with Edge. They hug. Riddle wants a hug too. Edge and Christian double-team him instead.

AJ Styles (25) is number twenty-five. He tangles with Christian but eats a spear from Edge. Rey Mysterio (26) is next. Omos saves AJ from an elimination. Omos pulls Big E (19) out of the ring to eliminate him and then tosses him into the announce table. Sheamus (27) is number 27, and he does his move, which has a name but which El Presidente calls "chesty punchy," on a few people before getting fully in the ring. Omos pulls Rey Mysterio (20) out of the ring now.

Cesaro (28) comes out next.  To his former partner's Chagrin, Cesaro gives Sheamus the big swing. Then Daniel Bryan gets one. Seth Rollins (29) returns in the penultimate Royal Rumble spot. Rollins is back from paternity leave, and he takes his time getting to the ring. Finally, Braun Strowman (30) is the last man out. Boooooring.

Strowman tries to eliminate Styles, but Omos catches him. Cesaro scoops up Strowman, but Strowman wriggles out and tosses Cesaro (21). Then he tosses Sheamus (22). He goes for Styles (23) again, stops when he sees Omos about to catch him, and tosses him out a different side of the ring. It's down to the final six now (well, seven, but commentary is pretending to have forgotten about Randy Orton, comrades). Riddle and Bryan break into spontaneous mat wrestling.

But Seth Rollins eliminates Daniel Bryan (24). Then he goes after Riddle. Riddle knocks Rollins over the top rope onto the apron. Stupidly, he jumps over the top rope to go after him. Strowman clocks Riddle and Rollins curbstomps him to eliminate Riddle (25).

Rollins tries to form an alliance with Strowman against Edge and Christian, but Strowman isn't interested. He pummels all three men. Christian and Edge team up on Strowman, but Rollins joins in to dump both Strowman (26) and Christian (27). Edge dumps Rollins (27). Orton is there with the RKO out of nowhere. He tries to toss Edge, but Edge reverses and tosses Orton (29). Edge wins!

Winner: Edge
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Wow! Comrades, I had just about given up hope that WWE would ever let something as cool as Edge winning the Royal Rumble happen, but desperation is a wonderful drug. It's impossible to have a good PPV with a bad ending, so it's a good thing that Edge standing triumphant in front of a bunch of pyro, and the WrestleMania sign is the way the Royal Rumble goes off the air this year.

Until next time, my friends: socialism or death!

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!