Yes, The Week in Comics is back for another column this week. It would be best for all involved if you didn't take that as a long-term commitment.
The Week in Comics News
You Want to Put What Into Where?!
Bleeding Cool reported this week on Baldo, the world's first authentic Wolverine cosplay device that allows a person to shove their balls into a dildo to effectively give themselves two dicks, one for f**king and one for making love.
Yes, Apparently, You Can Do That
WhedonCon announced plans to change its name to the Hellmouth Convention following weeks of misconduct allegations against the beleaguered director. In response, the beleaguered WeinsteinCon, which hasn't had a single guest since 2017, issued a statement saying, "Wait, you can do that?"
Infinite Super-Mega-Crossover Events
DC Comics is trying something new with its latest Summer super-mega-crossover event. Following months of tie-ins to the Infinite Frontier event starting this month and running through at least June, DC announced only this week that the actual event series will kick off after all of that, presumably launching a second wave of tie-ins. If DC can pull off selling a third round of tie-ins after the Summer event concludes, they will have successfully extended the Summer Event timeframe to last from Spring through Fall, bringing the industry closer to its ultimate goal of having the entire year be one nonstop super-mega-crossover event cycle. For more on this, we spoke with world-renowned ComiXologist at the prestigious University of Phoenix, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms.
"DC knows not the forces it meddles with," said the Professor. "If the comic book industry isn't given a chance to cool down from super-mega-crossover events, it would have disastrous consequences on the industry. Storylines in individual series would be constantly interrupted by event tie-ins. Comic books would abandon the idea of telling coherent, long-term stories that engage readers and instead rely purely on vapid sales gimmickry to trick a dwindling fanbase into buying more comics they don't actually care about reading for inflated prices."
Isn't that pretty much how things already work?
Professor Puffinbottoms paused for silent contemplation. "Carry on, then," he said.
Stick to What You're Good At
Tom King has decided to step out of his comfort zone of writing books about male superheroes suffering from PTSD to join the creative team of a new Supergirl comic alongside artists Bilquis Evely and Mat Lopes. The serious is described as "what if Supergirl had PTSD."
Better Late Than Never?
This week in comics, after twenty years, superstar artist Joe Madureira announced that Battle Chasers #10 is finally coming out after the previous issue, Battle Chasers #9, was published in September of 2001. Reached for comment, fellow superstar artist Rob Liefeld reportedly said, "Damn, that guy's fast."
My God, They Rip Off Everything!
To counter DC's Infinite Frontier Summer event, Marvel Comics announced a Summer annuals event called "Infinite Destinies." But the events have absolutely nothing to do with each other. For example, in Infinite Frontier #0, it's revealed that the villain Black Adam has changed his name to Shazadam. But in Infinite Destinies #0, Thanos is seen becoming worthy enough to wield Mjolnir, which is imbued with Infinity Stones. The newly revamped cosmic villain will henceforth be known as Shazanos.
Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?
A museum exhibition apparently revealed director Zack Snyder's original plans for a two-part Justice League movie that would have seen Superman become a cuckold as Batman has sex with Lois Lane and they have a child, which Superman agrees to raise since Batman is dead. It's unknown whether Batman will cuck Superman when Warner Bros releases the Snyder Cut in just 11 days, but like all good Snyderbronies, we can't wait to find out.
More evidence emerged this week in the ongoing conspiracy theory that Wolverine has two dicks: one for f**king and one for making love. In the latest issue of Avengers, Wolverine and Black Panther are jockeying over who gets to be the new Phoenix Force when the Panther decides to play dirty and kick Wolverine in the two places where the sun don't shine: his dicks.
Not he doesn't say "weak spot." He says "spots." Remind you of anything?
We rest our case.
X-ual Healing – The Week in X-Men Comics
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics for lovers of soap opera drama.
Arcade has captured Mister Sinister and holds him captive in his control room while the Hellions are tested in a Murderworld powered by the illusions of Mastermind. Arcade has a unique system in check to ensure Mastermind isn't messing with his mind, too: an employee watches the whole thing on video from far away and confirms Arcade is not being mind-controlled. Arcade is holding Martinique, one of Mastermind's daughters and a former Arcade employee, hostage. He wants sinister to build him clones for a future Murderworld.
Each of the Hellions is held in their own hellish illusions, which start out as seemingly positive, though danger lurks in the background. Psylocke lives peacefully with her daughter, but a Mojo-ified Betsy Braddock watches from the shadows. John Greycrow has some war flashbacks to World War 2, with his platoon praising him for killing their enemies, but he doesn't look thrilled. Empath has family dinner with his mom and everyone whose mind he's ever messed with. Wild Child fights Wolverine and Sabretooth… and he's winning. Nanny and Orphan-Maker are with a whole classroom of Orphans, and Orphan-Maker has two nannies of his own, so both can fully explore their codependent relationship.
That last part is turning on Arcade and Miss Locke, who start to get frisky, but then Arcade slaps her away. Sinister agrees to make the clones just so he doesn't get drawn into Arcade's swinging lifestyle, but Arcade doesn't want it to be so easy, so he decides to rip out Sinister's teeth instead. Meanwhile, some of the Hellions are beginning to recognize flaws in their illusions, so Arcade orders Mastermind to step up the nightmares. Betsy attacks Kwannon. Greycrow starts to see dead Morlocks instead of soldiers. Empath finds his powers don't work at dinner, and everyone wants revenge, including his mom. Wild Child starts to lose his fight (of which Romulus is now a part). Nanny and Orphan-Maker are separated. Madelyne breaks out the S&M gear and puts Havok in a dog collar (so he's the only one still having fun).
Now Arcade is really enjoying himself, and a bloody, toothless Sinister is very ready to collaborate. Killer issue of Hellions.
There's another book that you could classify as an X-Book that hit stores last week: Demon Days: X-Men #1, the first part of a quarterly series by Peach Momoko reimaging the characters of the Marvel Universe as characters in a Japanese folk story. I'm not going to recap it because it has no bearing on the X-Books' ongoing soap opera continuity that X-ual Healing is concerned with, but I read it, and it was enjoyable.
Wolverine's Wiener X-Pick of the Week
By default, Hellions #10 wins the Wolverine's Wiener X-Pick of the Week award. But it was a strong issue, so it might have won anyway, even if it had competition. Congratulations to the creative team on this honor.
Want to have your thoughts, opinions, or dick jokes included in an upcoming edition of The Week in Comics? Please email us at judeterror [at] bleedingcool.com!
If you're lucky, The Week in Comics will return next week. But no promises!