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Karrion Kross Proves WWE Exit is a Work with Ariel Helwani Interview

El Presidente explains why Karrion Kross appearing on Ariel Helwani's podcast proves his WWE exit is faker than his last election. Comrades, we're being worked!

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Article Summary

  • Karrion Kross appearing on Helwani's podcast screams WWE publicity stunt, not real exit, comrades!
  • Triple H keeps pushing Kross harder than my cabinet pushes for more free cigars in the budget, amigos.
  • WWE's "departure" storyline is as authentic as my last televised referendum—completely staged!
  • Expect Kross to shock return soon, masked and dramatic, because capitalist wrestling loves a swerve!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath a Venezuelan oil refinery, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my ex-wife's lawyer! But even more pressing than those minor inconveniences is the shocking development in the world of professional wrestling that has me more suspicious than when the CIA tried to sell me that "totally legitimate" shipment of voting machines!

Karrion Kross speaks during a podcast interview, gesturing expressively. His tattoos are visible, and there is a wrestling figurine in the background, adding context to the setting.
Karrion Kross provides fake insights on his fictional WWE exit during a worked shoot interview on the kayfabe WWE-affiliated Ariel Helwani podcast.

Comrades, when Karrion Kross's WWE contract expired a few days ago, I was willing to believe it might be legitimate. After all, WWE has made plenty of questionable decisions before – like that time they didn't book me as special guest referee for WrestleMania! But now that Kross has appeared on Ariel Helwani's podcast to discuss his departure, I am more convinced this is a work than I am that my good friend Kim Jong-un genuinely enjoys my karaoke performances!

Let me explain why this whole situation smells fishier than the caviar Putin gifted me last Christmas (which, between you and me, comrades, I'm pretty sure was just regular fish eggs he got from a discount supermarket). First of all, and I say this with all the love in my socialist heart – nobody actually cares that much about Karrion Kross! The man is about as exciting as watching paint dry in a government-owned factory. He's the wrestling equivalent of plain toast – technically food, but nobody's first choice at the buffet!

During his entire WWE run, Kross has been what we in the dictator business call "furniture" – he's there, you occasionally notice him, but if he disappeared tomorrow, would anyone really miss him? It's like when I replaced my Minister of Agriculture with a cardboard cutout for six months – nobody noticed until the rainy season started!

R-Truth, a wrestler with long braided hair, wearing a black hooded sweatshirt, stands in the center of a wrestling ring, with a tense expression on his face, as the crowd is visibly engaged in the background.
R-Truth pulls off the greatest swerve in the history of wrestling by returning at WWE Money in the Bank after being "fired."

But here's where the plot thickens like my famous revolutionary stew! Triple H loves this guy for some inexplicable reason. Maybe they bond over their shared love of dramatic entrances or their mutual appreciation for unnecessarily intense facial expressions. Who knows? The point is, Papa H wants to use him, and after seeing what happened with R-Truth – who WWE legitimately fired only to bring him back after fans actually cared – they want to manufacture that same buzz, but completely under their control!

Think about it, comrades! WWE just successfully pulled off that fake Seth Rollins injury angle, having him return at SummerSlam to cash in his Money in the Bank contract. They're feeling themselves right now, like me after successfully rigging my thirteenth consecutive election! They think they can fool us all!

A wrestler with long hair and a beard, Seth Rollins, is pinning another wrestler, CM Punk, down in a wrestling ring. Rollins appears focused and engaged in the match, while the referee is also present in the scene.
Seth Rollins secures a pin over CM Punk during his dramatic cash-in at WWE SummerSlam, shocking fans who believed he was injured.

So what do they do? They leak stories about contract negotiations going south. They let the contracts "expire." They activate their network of wrestling "journalists" – and I use that term looser than my country's interpretation of human rights laws – to generate fake social media buzz. Then they send Kross to appear on podcasts with people like Helwani, who would sacrifice their own grandmother for a WWE press credential!

Notice how during the podcast, Kross didn't really say anything negative about WWE? He didn't mention AEW as a possibility? He's talking about wanting to continue dialogue and see information? Comrades, this is more scripted than my annual State of the Dictatorship address! When I had contract disputes with the Soviet Union back in the day, I didn't go on Radio Moscow talking about how I still wanted to work things out – I started printing my own currency and declared war on capitalism!

My prediction? In a month or two, at some premium live event, Karrion Kross will make his shocking return, probably attacking someone important while wearing an El Grande Americano mask. WWE will pat themselves on the back for "fooling" everyone, and Helwani will get to ask the first question at their next fake press conference when they feel the Brock Lesnar thing has blown over enough to bring them back, probably something softball like "How does it feel to be a creative genius, Mr. Levesque?" instead of real journalism like "Why are you insulting our intelligence?"

Ariel Helwani, a journalist in a blue suit, stands in front of an enthusiastic crowd at a WWE SmackDown event. Fans are cheering and expressing excitement around him.
So-called journalist Ariel Helwani makes WWE SmackDown appearance as reward for attacking AEW.

Mark my words, comrades – this is more orchestrated than the time Fidel Castro and I pretended to have a falling out just so we could surprise everyone at Gaddafi's birthday party! The only difference is our ruse was actually entertaining!

Until next time, this is your El Presidente, reminding you that in professional wrestling, as in socialist governance, everything is a work until proven otherwise! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go convince my cabinet that Karrion Kross's departure is real so I can win some easy money in our weekly betting pool. Viva la revolución!

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El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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