puffinbottoms Archives

Puffinbottoms. "The QR code page from Iron Fist 50th Anniversary One-Shot, which shows Iron Fist returning from the grave, will presumably lead to more stories featuring the living character," Puffinbottoms explained "But what happens if the QR code page ceases to exist, as it's statistically likely to do? Not only will fans be unable to read[...]

Puffinbottoms. "The whole point of collecting things is to keep them sealed and never actually touch or enjoy them," Professor Puffinbottoms explained, "so eating them is out of the question, obviously Only a complete philistine would purchase a collectible Black Panther pineapple and then ruin it by eating it." According to Puffinbottoms, freezing the fruit is also[...]

Puffinbottoms. "It was sick and disgusting," said Professor Puffinbottoms "The grossest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life, and something I never, ever want to do again." Wow You were really offended by Nick Gage slicing up Chris Jericho with that pizza cutter. "Oh, no, I was fine with that," the professor clarified "I'm talking about the[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Gratuitous variant covers are one of Joe Quesada's 22 Cheap Sales-Boosting Gimmicks That Always Work," said Professor Puffinbottoms "They're a classic way to bilk comic shops and readers out of money without putting any effort into making the actual stories in the comics readable But they still require hiring an artist to produce them, which[...]

Puffinbottoms. "For AEW, this is a tremendous opportunity," Puffinbottoms explained "It's a lot like when Vince McMahon used closed circuit television to take WrestleMania national, except instead of spreading WWF wrestling to the masses, it's spreading Florida's unique strains of coronavirus." Wait, Florida has unique strains of coronavirus? "Oh yes," said the Professor "The most well-known is the[...]

Puffinbottoms. "The Hellfire Gala may be the most magnificent advancement in comic book technology since the tech bros came up with NFTs," the professor explained "Think about it One night, stretched out across twelve separate comic book, taking over the entire X-Men line No one has had the guts to milk a single event that long[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Since the dawn of time, clear rules have existed, rules that make the business make sense," Puffinbottoms explained "Creators create the stories Actors act out the stories Corporations ruthlessly exploit both for profit If the actors are now to also create the stories, what's next? Will corporations act them out? Will creators actually profit off[...]

Puffinbottoms. "What the Snyderbronies have accomplished so far is an inspiration for the aggrieved hardcore fans of any pop culture property," Puffinbottoms explained "Did the Starbronies manage to get George Lucas do undo his stupid Special Edition edits? No Did Firebronies manage to purchase the rights to Firefly and give them to Nathan Fillion so he[...]

Puffinbottoms, lead electionologist at the prestigious University of Phoenix. But despite being basically single-handedly responsible for saving American democracy, Dave Bautista remains humble Just look at his response to a statement by new Secretary of Transportation, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, who wrote on Twitter after he was confirmed by the Senate on Tuesday, "I'm honored and humbled[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Capullo's stance actually complies with CDC recommendations," Puffinbottoms explained "So long as he doesn't rub his eyes with his fist or put his fist in his mouth, this should keep him safe, assuming he also follows all other guidelines In fact, it may help to quell the spread of coronavirus worldwide." Really? "Yes," Puffinbottoms explained[...]

"Plans can change." "Well, you know, brother, let me tell you something," said Seltzer's co-host, retired 1980s pro wrestler Thaddeus "The Professor" Puffinbottoms "It's a well known scientific fact that whether or not C.M Punk will appear at a wrestling event can be determined by watching to see if he signs up for a convention." "If Punk[...]

Puffinbottoms "Lots of comics have marketed themselves as being 'like Game of Thrones,' but this is the first one to specifically play on the sense of loss millions of fans are experiencing as the beloved TV drama enters its final season." Professor Puffinbottoms went on to say that we can likely expect dozens more comics to[...]

"The Crusher" Puffinbottoms, a world-renowned expert and wrestlologist at one of the country's most prestigious higher learning academies, the WCW Power Plant. "It's really very simple," Professor Puffinbottoms explained "Dean Ambrose is facing a dilemma Should he stay in WWE, where he has reportedly been unhappy with his creative direction? Or should he go somewhere where[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Technically, the C.I.A report is correct," Professor Puffinbottoms told us "But it was unnecessarily cruel to attack the nation of Wakanda's primary resource both on the same night the movie lost the Best Picture Oscar and while the country's ruler, King T'Challa, is still missing following Thanos's finger snap of doom at the end of[...]

Puffinbottoms. "A tubby gossip reporter waddled into my office, looking about as hungry for a story as a he was a roast beef sandwich," said Professor Puffinbottoms "If I'd known it known it would be this kind of day, I'd have had more bourbon at breakfast." Professor, you're narrating out loud again. "Sorry," he replied, tossing his fedora[...]

Puffinbottoms "Humans at that time would use services like Dropbox or Google Docs to save a digital copy of files, which was then available on something called 'The Cloud' for sharing and collaboration No doubt, experts at DC were able to restore an archaic data access device from the era, such as an iPhone 6,[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Of course there are hidden messages in the numerology of Fantastic Four #1," Puffinbottoms revealed "Just look at the solicit There will be 16 variant covers for Fantastic Four #1 That's 4 times 4 variant covers, or 4 squared What is Marvel trying to say here?" According to Professor Puffinbottoms, the number of variant covers for[...]

Puffinbottoms. "When is the last time a child dressed up like a bat and patrolled the dark and seedy streets at night, protecting law-abiding citizens from a criminal menace?" Professor Puffinbottomas asked "Never! That's the answer Children aren't allowed to stay up past their bedtime." According to Puffinbottoms, children are not superheroes at all. "Just like teachers, children[...]

Puffinbottoms, but Puffinbottoms informed us that the mail-order academy that issued his doctorate in Scotology was discredited in a massive fraud lawsuit, and he is therefore no longer legally permitted to speak on the subject However, the professor was able to put us in touch with his cousin from across the pond, and a Scotology expert hailing[...]

Puffinbottoms. "How can you have a sequel to something that hasn't been released yet?" Professor Puffinbottoms pondered "It flies into the face of the entire body of knowledge assembled in the field of continuology!" Professor Puffinbottoms explained that it's possible to release a movie or comic book, and then later release a prequel, which takes place before[...]

Puffinbottoms. "You don't want to know what a laryngeal contusion feels like," Puffinbottoms warned us, shaking his head solemnly "To compound it with both trapezius and rhomboid strains is even more dangerous, and Shane McMahon will have a long road to recovery ahead of him." Thankfully, Puffinbottoms noted that McMahon avoided potentially even more serious injuries at[...]

Puffinbottoms. "These two events happened sequentially, so it looks plausible to me," said Puffinbottoms, barely paying attention. Hey! This is important here! "Sorry, I'm trying to shift all of my assets to bitcoin," the professor explained "This is bad It's really bad." Could the poor critical reception of a Netflix movie really cause this kind of financial chaos? "The war[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Unfortunately, despite hopes that the Snyder Cut, which is a totally real thing that definitely exists, might be hidden amongst these ancient ruins, perhaps at the center of a large pyramid guarded by booby traps and the souls of dead Mayan warriors, scientists haven't been able to locate any trace of it," Puffinbottoms reported. "A lot[...]

Puffinbottoms "Sure, Jack Black is still overbearing and obnoxious, but most people hardly notice it anymore due to antibodies produced in our gall bladders The human body is extremely resilient." However, according to Puffinbottoms, our immune systems could easily be overwhelmed by an extreme concentration of Jack Black. "A few years ago, HBO played Shallow Hal, Gulliver's[...]

Puffinbottoms. "Oh, yes, the transfer of wealth to the richest 1% of people which has been happening for decades could very well result in the exact type of wasteland you describe," Professor Puffinbottoms agreed "Though the tax plan offers short term cuts for most Americans, many of those will eventually expire, and it's the wealthiest who[...]

Puffinbottoms. "These numbers all but guarantee that Disney will end up taking the top spot at the box office this year, knocking Warner Bros. back down to second place," Professor Puffinbottoms told us, taking a cheap shot at Warner Bros for seemingly no reason Bleeding Cool has heard the complaints of our commenters saying that we've been[...]

'Pulverizer' Puffinbottoms "That a high ranking WWE executive both proposed and approved this plan, that it was able to slip by human resources without raising any alarms, and that not a single one of the wrestlers objected to participating in a premeditated assault against their RAW brand colleagues, indicates a complete breakdown of ethical boundaries[...]

Puffinbottoms "But some TV critics theorize Marvel's Inhumans could be a mega-bomb a thousand times a thousand times more powerful than that." Puffinbottoms explained that military analysts were taking North Korea too literally when they tried to interpret their threats to attach a nuclear warhead to an intercontinental ballistic missile "Metaphorically speaking," the professor warned, "a[...]

Puffinbottoms. "What's happened here is a classic case of the theory of Schroedinger's Batfleck," Professor Puffinbottoms explained "Quantum mechanics dictates that, until one arrives at the movie theater and watches The Batman for themselves, the movie will both star and not star Ben Affleck." But how can that be? "The nature of Ben Affleck's role in the film[...]

Puffinbottoms. "The government has been looking for ways to weaponize bad movies for decades, and this could be just the opportunity they were waiting for," Professor Puffinbottoms explained "Just think about the damage that could be inflicted on an unsuspecting population if a strain of bacteria were released into the wild with, for instance, the entirety[...]