Posted in: Games, Video Games | Tagged: Castlevania, EarthBound, Final Fantasy, health items, video games, world of warcraft

The Weirdest Things in Games That Heal Your Ails

You already know (quite obviously) that looking to games for realism isn't exactly a great idea, but that sentiment is amplified tenfold when applied to in-game recovery items. While it's absolutely impossible to heal fatal wounds with a feather or patch yourself up by standing still long enough without taking additional damage, there are recovery items out there that still manage to make even less sense: pain pills that magically patch you up, and pizza that refills magical heart points? They don't exactly add up when it comes to the limitations of the real world. Just between us gamers, some of these things aren't exactly logical. Get your new year started off right with these five improbable and downright bizarre recovery items in gaming.

Mallet

Cures: Mini status ailment

Appearance: Final Fantasy series

The Mallet is a curiosity in that it's somehow expected to act as a panacea for the status ailment "mini," in which party members are miniaturized and physical defense is reduced dramatically — physical attacks pop off for one measly point of damage and the party member actually appears as a tiny munchkin on-screen. What restores you to normal operational size? Only a magical mallet, of course! Not a type of elixir or potion like Alice in Wonderland, but an oversized hammer. Perhaps pulverizing someone actually works to counterbalance the smallness and that party member then springs back up to size? The intentions and usage of the item are quite bizarre, but the magical mallet is your one-stop shop to grow up again. We suppose it makes about as much sense as the term "echo screen" to cure silence, but at the very least the word "echo" refers to noise. What's the connection between brute force and miniaturization? No clue.

Cup of Life Noodles

Cures: All status ailments, fallen party members, full health restoration

Appearance: Earthbound, Mother 3

Did you fall in battle or find yourself otherwise incapacitated in some manner? Need a pick-me-up? Even if you can't move your mouth since you've found yourself without a pulse, slurp down a cup of life noodles and watch your ailments melt away! These magically delicious treats will rejuvenate mind, body, and soul and restore all depleted HP in the blink of an eye. And you thought ramen was simply a poor college student's idea of a gourmet dinner. Check out Earthbound and you'll see otherwise. Eating noodles while you're dead, though? That's a feat. Maybe it still works so long as you're able to get some of the juices around or in the mouth? Your guess is as good as ours. Maruchan certainly doesn't come packing these benefits in real life.

Bandages

Cures: Just about everything.

Appearance: World of Warcraft

We all reach for a Band-Aid when we've got a boo-boo, but that's only usually to keep out the germs and protect a wound from further infection and damage. When has a bandage ever single-handedly restored a dying man to prime physical condition? We're gonna say never, but bandages sure are the bee's knees somehow in games. Slap one on and that fatal gunshot wound will mend itself. Any and all shrapnel will dislodge itself from your body. And think about how cheaply this medical treatment runs: a few bucks at a drug store. For a few dollars more you can probably swing a box of them with Batman's mug printed all over them. Why aren't we funding the development of even more varieties of Band-Aids?

Water

Cures: Low health

Appearance: Prince of Persia

It's hammered into our heads from an early age that drinking water is the key to a healthier life. Drinking enough ensures you're working with smoother skin, a brighter complexion, and a well-fueled system to keep you going from day to day. Of course you can't forget the obvious benefits that water has: like taking away your thirst, for one thing. Prince of Persia takes this one step further and heals physical ailments with the power of crystal clear water. Instances like these make us feel like the Fiji water we're drinking actually is a little overpriced when it can't deliver promises like this one. In the game the Prince can even drink sewage and ocean water to heal himself, which seems kind of counterproductive when you think about it. He'd probably just get sicker that way.

Wall Chicken/Meat

Cures: Health

Appearance: Castlevania series

You're exploring a dark and ominous castle, braving unspeakable horrors and other foul beasts, when you find yourself clutching your side in pain. What do you do? Run to the nearest clinic? Stop, drop, and roll? No! You eat a delicious piece of chicken or side of meat found within the castle's disgusting, dingy walls. Not only will this give you the strength you need to press on, but you know it's going to be basting in some very interesting juices. Wipe all the crumbs and the mold off. It's probably still going to have a decent amount of meat left on it (thanks, friendly mice, bugs, and germs!) and you'll be back up to speed in no time.

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