Welcome again to The Week in Comics — maybe for the final time, who knows — a column in which we sift through the burning dumpster of news from the comics industry over the past seven days and celebrate it with mockery. This week is a special milestone for The Week in Comics, not just because we've published three columns in a row without giving up, but also because we have our first major interview, with investigative journalist Ali Jaffery the Hunk, who uncovered a massive conspiracy about comic creators and male pattern baldness. But first… some news!
The Week in Comics News
Do They Have to Buy All the Variants Too?
Bleeding Cool Rumourmonger-in-Chief Rich Johnston opened up The Week in Comics by breaking the news that a group of rich fanboys are hoping to obtain the rights to buy DC Comics from Warner Bros. Sure, it all sounds like fun and games until the leader of the group is revealed to be Dan Didio, who immediately launches the NuNu52 Reboot and hires himself to write the Nightwing comic.
Trading Cards are BACK, Baby!
A copy of X-Force #1, a comic that spent the last three decades relegated to the 25 cent bin, sold for $100 on eBay, with another containing two Deadpool trading cards listed at $1200. Immediately upon seeing the listing, God fell into a rage and smote the entire state of Texas with a blizzard.
Batwoman Goes Donald Ducking on the Rooftops of Gotham
We here at The Week in Comics would like to present to you, with no additional commentary, this image from Batman/Catwoman #3.
Heroes Reborn a Wealth Redistribution Scheme?
A new editorial on Bleeding Cool accuses Marvel of engaging in "thinly veiled wealth redistribution" with its Heroes Reborn super-mega-crossover event, as the event and its tie-ins will have a cover price of $46 for May alone. Reached for comment, a Marvel spokesperson began to explain that readers didn't have to buy all the tie-ins to grasp the story and could just read the ones they want, but broke out in uncontrollable laughter in the middle of a sentence and hung up the phone on us.
The Comeback is Greater Than the Setback
Comics distribution monopoly Diamond closed their New Memphis Warehouse, putting out of work dozens of workers whose jobs were to dropkick boxes of comics around the warehouse before shipping them to retailers. In a press release, Diamond swore that the loss of the facility will in no way impact their ability to damage the crap out the product they ship to comic shops in the future.
But Did Anyone See a Body?
Comic creators had a largely positive reaction to the death of polarizing conservative talk radio goblin Rush Limbaugh this week, but biographical comic book publisher Blue Water Comics smashed the political divide between left and right to celebrate the universal American value of unmitigated greed, rushing out a Limbaugh bio-comic faster than ComicBook.com could publish 72 clickbait articles about the death of Stan Lee (which is to say, within forty-eight hours).
In Latest Sign of Apocalypse, Wizard Magazine Returns
Emboldened by X-Force #1 finally increasing in value earlier in the week, Wizard revamped its iconic magazine for ComicsPRO. "Told Ya So," read the headline of the magazine's lead story, which was simply a YouTube video of Shaq dissing Kobe in a freestyle rap.
Where Are They Now?
Trading Cards are Still BACK, Baby!
Completing an unholy 90s speculator trinity along with the X-Force #1 price inflation and the return of Wizard Magazine, Marvel announced it would bring back trading cards. "And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them," said John the Elder, a popular comics critic, about the news.
Matthew Rosenberg is Feuding with the Post Office… Again
Finally, Matthew Rosenberg has released the latest chapter in what we have to believe is an annual performance art piece where he complains on Twitter for days about the post office not delivering a package to him on time. For more on this story, The Week in Comics turns to Bleeding Cool reader James Lamere, who commented on the story, "I would never start a fight with my mailman. I'm old enough to remember why the term 'going postal' got coined."
The Week in Comics Interview: Ali Jaffery the Hunk
Last week in The Week in Comics, we told you about the vast conspiracy allegedly uncovered by investigative comics journalist Ali Jaffery the Hunk. Let's review…
Two Comic Creators, One Toupee?
Finally, capping off another incredible week of comic book news, comics journalism auteur Ali Jaffery the Hunk published an expose on comic book creators Tom King and Mitch Gerads and what Jaffery claims is a conspiracy to hide the fact that King and Gerads are two different people who share the same toupee. If what Jaffery claims is true, it's a scandal that would rock the comic book industry to its foundations. Bleeding Cool is legally obligated to state that there is absolutely no evidence that anything Jaffery is saying is, in fact, true… but there is no evidence it isn't, either.
You can read the article, which features interactive graphics so readers can explore the conspiracy for themselves, at saliva-themed belligerent comics news outlet Comic Spit. Jaffery has promised The Week in Comics an EX-X-XCLUSIVE interview on the subject next week, so be sure to do your research ahead of time, true believers!
Well, next week is here, true believers, and so is Ali. Let's get right to it.
A lot of comic book journalism is either lazy, clickbait drivel, or outright verbal fellatio of the output of corporate comic book publishers. What drove you to create this exquisite piece of unbiased investigative journalism, and how much did you get paid for it?
A hunch and my inability to confront my personal responsibilities. Once I saw what I saw when I was squinting my eyes, I knew I had to put aside any court dates, divorce papers, and due bills, and pursue a higher truth. There is a larger power and that allows me to devalue the smaller things. I didn't do it for the $250 my editor paid me to stop calling him in the middle of the night and pursue the story. I did it because people need to know the truth. I am biased, I am, for the truth. Did Rogaine pay me an undisclosed fifty thousand dollars as an incentive? Let me get back to my lawyer.
Were there a lot of obstacles to uncovering this story? Did anyone try to stop you?
Do you mean the ones not mentioned in the article? Lost of lifelong nipple chafing and I am now banned from the CIA Instagram, Twitter, and Twitch accounts. Mitch is suing me currently for calling him bald, Tom is suing me currently for calling him hair. The CBLDF is suing me currently for free speech, but I think that last one is just them getting confused and finding themselves on the wrong side of history yet again. The CIA is suing me currently in military court for alleging that Tom worked for them in any capacity outside of their social media marketing department. The Army is suing me currently for insinuating that they would ever let an innocent brown man leave their premises alive. I am also now on trial for extraordinary parking violations by the Ohare Airport after I left my car in the food court next to the Cinnabon.
A lot of times, when you're breaking a story that isn't necessarily what people want to hear, there can be some backlash. Like "What's your agenda?" or "Why are you thinking about Wolverine's dick(s) so much?" Have you encountered much of that from fans because of your work?
My agenda is the truth. To part the hair, and reveal the dirty scalp of a comic conspiracy where two men were actually two different men. Fanboys love to idolize their creators, even more so than the characters. I am definitely feeling that right now. I even had one of the tens of tens of people that read superhero comic books, call me a 'piece of shit fucker' through a man-made glory hole at the combination comic book store and prophylactic dispensary, Bag 'Em. I think once emotions are calmed, the people will see that this needs to be outed. I am like that one guy that leaked that government information. I don't think the comic book readers will forgive me for disrobing the illusion, that is because comic book readers are a weak and cowardly lot, where I am a truth-defining big brave boy.
If people take away one thing from this story, what do you hope that is?
I took the name for granted, but please, please carry a Gogurt with you at all times. You'll never know when you'll find yourself fully erect in a Syrian hole for weeks, being waterboarded by the CIA for uncovering that Tom King and Mitch Gerads are two completely different people, all while with an empty stomach.
Again, you can read about the mind-blowing conspiracy Ali allegedly uncovered here.
X-ual Healing – The Week in X-Men Comics
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics for lovers of soap opera drama.
Cable and Domino go out for gyoza and run into a middle-aged Stryfe Clone at a restaurant in Tokyo, who leads them to find a dozen young Stryfe clones, which was pretty lucky because Cable was looking for them. The middle-aged clone and eleven of the young clones end up dead in the ensuing melee, but one escapes. They track it, and it gets the jump on them. It plans to kill them and return to Krakoa to take Cable's place, but a meteor falls out of the sky and kills him. Again, pretty lucky. In the future, Old Man Kid Cable enters an abandoned building and falls into a trap.
The draw of this issue was the bonding between Domino and Kid Cable, seeing how their relationship has changed since Kid Cable killed his older self, and how it hasn't.
The Marauders have been buying up property in Madripoor's Low Town, with the dual goal of both giving back to the poor side of the island that has been a refuge for many mutants in the past, and also of screwing with Verendi. Emma Frost scores bonus points by screwing with Magneto and Xavier in building a free hospital on Madripoor and naming it after Moira MacTaggart. Callisto brings Masque to that hospital where he's introduced as an expert plastic surgeon. A bewildered Masque uses his powers to heal a baby with a cleft palate, earning a hug from the parents, and the look on his face afterward says it all.
Bishop, Iceman, and Pyro are attacked at a bar they just purchased in Low Town by a new group of Reavers who have been created by Verendi by giving cybernetics to people who have been maimed by fighting the X-Men and their allies. The brawl is a setup to get the Marauders bad publicity and have them banned from Madripoor. The Reavers are then dispatched to Low Town for some revenge.
This issue was alright.
X-Men Legends #1
The purpose of this issue, set in the 90s by Fabian Nicieza and Brett Booth and officially in-continuity, is to finally establish, officially, that Adam X the X-Treme is a Summers Brother. It's a story that, as the comic repeatedly points out, is 30 years in the making. The issue is totally 90s from cover to cover. Erik the Red and his cult, The Crystal Claws, kidnap the grandparents of Scott and Alex Summers with the goal of holding them for ransom to get his hands on Adam X so that he can make him the Emporer of the Shi'ar. The Crystal Claws also attack Cyclops and Havok, who survive and go looking for their grandparents. We get some Adam X backstory and then Cable visits him in Iowa to find out information about the kidnappers and offer to hook him up with Scott and Alex for a team-up.
Adam hits the road instead but finds himself pursued by Raja and Hepzibah of the Starjammers. Cyclops and Havok show up to intervene, and in the ensuing battle and chase, Adam and the Summers Bros find out that their powers don't work on each other. Then Corsair shows up, tells them they're brothers, and shoots his blaster at Adam X to end the issue on a cliffhanger.
Post-Claremont 90s X-Men isn't even really my jam and mainly serves to amuse me when watching Millennials get nostalgic about it, completing the circle of life. But I'm very glad this series exists and I think it's way better than the one-shots Marvel has been making for this same purpose over the last couple of years, especially because it seems like this series will have consequences… though how exactly they're going to explain the Summers family never mentioning this again in the three decades after the story takes place remains to be seen.
Wolverine's Wiener X-Pick of the Week
Do you even need to ask? X-Men Legends #1 is the Wolverine's Wiener X-Pick of the week this week. Congratulations to the creative team on this honor.
And so ends this week's edition of The Week in Comics. Maybe it will be back next week. Maybe it won't. Now piss off!